Recipe for Survivor

.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

1. Girl with short dark hair and giant tits

2. Black person

3. Good looking male bartender/actor with dumb eyes

4. Cute blond girl who has a loving platonic relationship with a nice older man

5. Nice older man

6. Loudmouthed obnoxious middle-aged barrel shaped bulldyke

7. Patrick Swayze look-alike

8. Old lady with southern accent and sun damage

9. Girl with brown hair who only wears it in braids

10. White catholic man who thinks he’s the tribe leader

Lol, Remember Lloyd Banks?

Poor Ja Rule, too. I feel sorry for Ja Rule from back when 50 Cent started making fun of him. He was cool until then. Then he Disappeared.

My Elevator

We could make out in my elevator. It smells like people's cooking and has fake wood paneling. There's no guarantee it won't break down, and it lasts 2 minutes.

I'm pretty sure you want that.

That family that can't stop having kids

You're modest??? How are you modest? You have 19 kids! You're just as much an advertisement for sex as the red light district you hypocrites.

Something We All Did

Who didn't watch the Hitchhiker late at night as a young kid in order to catch some soft core porn?

Andy Weaver

My English 100 instructor's name was Andy Weaver. Andy Weaver was a small bald man who I remember to have worn a fish necktie during the one or so class I attended. Andy Weaver sometimes talked about how he knew Tom Green growing up and how Tom Green was an ass. Andy Weaver assigned us to read 1. Dorian Gray by that famous guy and 2. something about cowboys by Michael Ondatje who wrote the English Patient (barf barf). I wonder about you, Andy Weaver. I wonder about you.

Ring Ring

Your lame phone's ringing. 2004 is calling.

Parking Meter Twins

We're twins. We work together to make your have to parallel park and to collectively take your money and give it to the same entity.
We're parking meter twins.

My first Motivational Poster

Corona!

Fine, I'll reply to loser posts instead

Summer support staff (Gastown)
We welcome boys and girls to apply for this position, 'cause were just cool that way... seeking someone with lots of smiles, witty remarks, and super style. You must be interested in amazing food and cocktails, great music, and be interested in learning more. This is an entry level position with room to grow. Have you always wanted to work somewhere where you get to just be yourself (even if your tattooed!), have great crew of people to work for and with, and have a brilliant chef serving great food that you can't wait to try? THAT'S US. Looking for someone outstanding to greet our guests, run our food, and stock our bar!

Seeking part and full time "Winstonites".

Please email your cover letter and resume to this address- we can't take resumes at the restaurant as we are way too busy right now....and the hiring manager's office is blocks away!

...ps. Can't wait to read those cover letters! Why ARE you our brilliant new hipster host or super support? What makes you so darn special?

...pps. No phone calls, please.



Hello my name is Sparkle and I would be interested in working for your cool amazing restuarant! I'v been told many many times I have super style and I like to ve bery well dressed when I go in to work that is importent to me.

I have one peircing only in non visual private place. I has worked on many many restuarants and given many smiles and has had smiles returned. I take tips in smiles, ha ha. I use cum as a hand lotion, ha haha! just kidding.

I got fierd once but that was because my boss was a bonkers.

I am looking foreword to mitting with you very very super cool people at your brilliant restuarant and becuming a part of you're team. Hers my resumae and photo.

Craigslist has blacklisted me!

Now I can't post fake listings on there anymore. What am I going to do for a hobby now?

Let's not all pretend we drink Grey Goose vodka

Come ooooooonnnnnnn. I'll buy grey goose vodka when I can afford to buy grey goose vodka. Until then I'm somewhere in the mid range, a mediocre absolut or a stoli raz. I'll do russian prince if I have to do russian prince. It's not a matter of quality, it's a matter of doing what you need to do to get drunk. If we were all stranded on an island with only russian prince to sustain us, I'm pretty sure we'd all be damn happy with that. And when russian prince ran out we'd make our own from fermented rot.

Oh Not Again

Great, who's this? Who's this asshole? Really? 1 million views? Who? Why?

I'd rather watch porn. At least it's less offensive in the sense it is what it is.

Quick affirmation for this guy:
-There is enough room in this world for me and loser above
-My intention is for this loser above to continue to amuse people and make them laugh (?) while eternally expanding into his higher self (this lifetime)
-I hope this guy finds true love in whatever he's looking for (Justin Bieber)
-I hope loser above makes a lot of money so that he can retire to an island somewhere
-I wish for Dave Chappelle to come back

Now to counter that:

Acid Rain?

What ever happened to acid rain? How come nobody ever talks about acid rain anymore? It was so big in elementary. Doing our projects on acid rain and the dangers of smoking. Now it's all tsunamis and global warming and crap like that.

Tilt-a-Whirl

I will be attending a parking lot carnival this weekend and will inevitably be riding on the Tilt-a-Whirl, a lot. Question is, what should I BRING on the tilt-a-whirl?

Scrambled eggs?
Liquid?
10,000 ducats?

I want something that will fly right out of my compartment and bounce everywhere and into people's faces and the carnies and stuff.

Rubber balls?
Springs?
A wig? Yeah I'll wear a wig that files off each time.

Maybe something that will make people think the ride is falling apart?

Ha ha.

Oh if there's a Zipper I could take suggestions for that too. All the rides, actually. Cookie, Gauthor57. What would you guys bring? I'm sure you've done this before. I'll ask my dad too. Hopefully they're playing some Classic rock on the rides! Nothing like that backwards cowgirl ride to ELO on the cr station.

My New Novel

I finally finished my first novel. It's gonna be out this summer, it's called Confessions of a Shopliftaholic. I'll give you a little rundown.

Trisha, 24 years old and fresh out of university, isn't really sure about what to do with her degree or her life. When her friend Jennifer suggests they take a summer trip to the small Okanagan town of Osoyoos for a houseboating trek, Trisha unwillingly obliges. Things get interesting when the rest of their boat roomies turn out to be good looking 40-something men on a fishing trip from Montana. Trisha quickly finds herself stealing a box of condoms from the only convenience store in town.

For the rest of the summer, Trisha embarks on a daring game of shoplifting and dodging authorities that gets her higher and higher with every swipe. It doesn't help that her handsome suitor, Jareth Duncan, is a newly divorced and recovering shopliftaholic on the bend. They spend the summer sacking cosmetics, snacks, ice cream, even a car.

Things get complicated when Jareth tempts Trisha to cross the border with him -- on stolen visas.