Hugh Hef

Old Hugh. He is a PIMP. He doesn't even wear clothes, he just wears a robe all day. I looked at Halloween party pictures from his mansion and he didn't even dress up for Halloween. There's no way in hell that guy's gonna change for Halloween. And also, he's a PIMP because he makes money off all those women who pose nude, and he sleeps with some of them (? really?). I don't know, he seems pretty uninterested in sex these days. If you look at his eyes, his mind is definitely on something a normal old man's mind is on, like...sex. FUCK. Old perv. He's got it in the bag, brilliant old fuck.

ROTFLMAO

What the hell is with ROTFLMAO? That's fucking annoying. Plus, you're not even doing that. As if. Here's what I'm doing: RAJAGHIB. You should try it sometime ROTFLMAO.

Bouffants

Why do girls have bouffants? Do you think Amy winehouse's bouffant is real? I don't. Some girls have real bouffants that god knows how much time that took. And nobody likes them! Hello! Guys do not like bouffants, they are scary. Would you want to go to bed with a bouffant? Yuck. Makes me wonder if girls without bouffants tell girls with bouffants that they like their bouffants so that they keep wearing their bouffants and looking BAD. Girls do that you know. We like to lie to eachother and tell eachother we look good when that is not the case. It's a competitive thing.

My Super Sweet 16

My super Sweet 16 is coming up. Well, it's actually my super sweet 26, but whatever. I was thinking about having a dress designed, but I'd rather just wear my birthday suit, because it's my birthday! So we're gonna pay off the city police so that I am able to attend my birthday party naked. I'm gonna take a tank down to hastings street and round up a whole bunch of homeless people. I'm gonna feed them cake and purple kool-aid, and we're gonna roll on through the streets of downtown killing people. We get points - 2 points for squishing someone with the tank and 3 points for shooting somebody with guns that the government is supplying, and 5 points for killing somebody who swears at us or tells us to fuck off. Then we'll all die from the kool-aid! I'm actually doing Vancouver some good because now we won't have to worry about the bums and over-population for the 2010 olympics! Happy birthday to me!!!

Correction - Pubic Hair Coats

Correction - it takes 100 vaginas OR 50 hairy sac/butt combos to make a pubic hair coat.

Shaving

Why do you always have to cut yourself every time you're shaving? Like yesterday I was shaving my legs in the shower, and I cut myself and blood started dripping everywhere. And then I slipped and fell in the tub and hit my head. I lost consciousness, which wouldn't be a big deal, except I like to take shower-baths. I fill the tub half with water, and then shower in the half filled bath tub. So the bath tub was half full because of my shower-bath, I fell and hit my head and passed out, and the shower was running so the bathtub naturally overflowed, with my dead body in it. Yep, that's right. I died shaving my legs yesterday. I'm dead. I'm writing this from my spirit form, but you know what the worst part of it is? My roommate found me shortly after, and because all the water in the tub was all red from my god damned bleeding leg, she thought I killed myself. The bitch didn't even bother to check if I cut my wrists or not, and my fuckin family isn't surprised - they all think I killed myself too. So now I'm dead and everyone on earth thinks I killed myself. And you know what the worst part about that is? I'm stuck on this planet too because everybody thinks I killed myself. They all prey to God for my dead, killed off soul and now God thinks I killed myself and he won't let me in to heaven. So now I'm stuck in purgatory/earth, being dead and being able to guarantee to you that heaven is 100 times better than myspace, and I'm STUCK ON MYSPACE! Fuck! If you read this -- I didn't kill myself. I was fucking shaving my leg. Fuck.

Pubic Hair Coats

I can't stand people who buy pubic hair coats and then have the nerve to wear them out in public. I'm sorry, but if you're actually gonna spend money on a pubic hair coat and flaunt it around like you're a p.i.m.p, then expect to get a lot of gawks and frowns. And don't pretend you don't know why. One hundred and fifty vaginas are killed for every pubic hair coat that is made. That's a hell of a lot of vaginas.

Glasses

Fuck broken glasses. One of the plastic nose pads on my glasses broke off, so now I’m wearing broken glasses. It’s too much trouble to take them to get fixed, not to mention that costs money, so I imagine I’ll just keep wearing them like this. Actually the honest truth is, they’re so god damned dirty that I’m embarrassed. I’ve had them for 4 years and know how many times I’ve washed them? Never. Not one time. I wipe them on my shirt and that’s it. And now they’re broken and the most dirty things I ever see (all the time, very close to my eyes).

Snow White

What the hell's up with Snow White and that blue dress?

Eye Contact

Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact. Some people go to the bar to find dates, some people go to the bar to have fun, and some people go to to the bar to make eye contact. We ought to be using the Smile as the universal signal that we want a person to pick us up, but nope, we're using eye contact, even though it could mean a lot of other things. For example, it could mean "I am scanning the room." Or it could mean "I feel your eyes staring at me but I just need to make sure...OH SHIT Shit shit shit -- I accidently made eye contact with you." I use the One Strike rule at bars. If I accidently make eye contact with a man I RUN AWAY. Another thing that works once in a while if you're about to strike out and there's no hope in getting away is to look at the person like they're a moldy sandwich. Sometimes that works, but not usually. It will often just give them the excuse to come up and ask why you're not having fun or why you never smile, which I get a lot.

Martha Stewart

Anything I own from the Martha Stewart line always has top preference to anything else I own. If I use one of my Martha Stewart towels as opposed to my other towels, I feel cleaner and dryer and more worthy. Fuck, that bitch is powerful. If I'm in the store and I see Martha Stewart shit on sale, I'll buy it.

Norman Bates

Norman Bates walking up the stairs = weird = sexy.