Living out of a Car

Blah blah blah we all lived out of a car at one point.

Mad Money

I've seen about 50 ads for the Queen Latifah movie already, and I get it that they're trying to get us to be like "Oh - maybe I'll go see that movie when it opens this weekend." But I also have this built in filter in my head, called a mind, that tells me, every time I see an ad for Mad Money, "That looks like a bad movie. I will not go to that movie."

Avoiding the Neighbors

If I am coming home and I see neighbors in their driveway, I will purposely drive past to avoid the awkwardness of having to make small talk. I would much rather drive around the block one more time than live through this awkward encounter. I'm an avoidant person. I don't imagine the neighbors are offended - they are probably glad.

Library Books Overdue

I got a new library card last week, and low and behold, the books I took out are due today and they're still here, beside me. And I didn't read one, they just sat right there, all week. Brand new card and a late charge already.

Dust

I've got a lot of dust in my house. I like it though. Sometimes I purposely don't dust my house because I want to leave the dust bunnies some food. What else would they eat? They don't eat carrots, I tried that. I left a carrot under my bed for them once and I could tell they tried to eat it, because it got fuzzy and smaller. I like to leave food for them in places that allow them to get some exercise. That's why I don't dust my top shelves or my pictures hanging on the wall. I know that the dust bunnies are grateful because they get bigger and come out of their hiding places.

Fuck Me

Fuck Me! What the hell? I HAD been spelling WEIRD right all along! I checked it out in the dictionary. Fuck that "i before e except after c" crap. Who the fuck created that rule?

Vagina Diagrams

What's with all the uterine and vag diagrams I see on TV? I'm so sick of seeing diagrams of uteruses and vaginas on TV. Please take them off. When you put that one uterus on TV it's like you're putting all our uteruses on TV.

Colbie Callait

I like that Colbie Colbert girl. She's got all those songs in all those commercials for sweaters and banking. Every time I hear one of those songs, I want to put on a sweater and go to the bank. This is troublesome, because I got no sweaters, so I gotta go to the bank first, to get money to buy the sweater. But it's cold outside, and I got no sweater to put on. Then, I forget what I was thinking about doing, and why, and I'm confused. And then another one of her commercials comes on and I remember, and I'm back to square one.

English Brat Shows

What the hell's with those english Brat Camp shows and their parents? They're always so washed out looking. I mean I get it, your kid caused you hell for the last 16 years, but there are other things to your life than your children. Or at least put some makeup on.

Arrested Development Actors

I feel sorry for all those Arrested Development actors who are getting famous for being on that show. Now that everybody's caught up, the public appreciates these actors and producers want to cast them. If I was one of these actors, I would be very angry, because I would have jumped off a bridge by now.

Man Band

I wish I was a man, because then I'd form a man-band. It would have five lead singers, and some baggy clothes, and some tight clothes, and we'd switch it up between baggy clothes, and tight clothes; baggy clothes, tight clothes; baggy clothes; tight clothes.

Music Moguls

The G-Unit music moguls are just trying to survive. We've got to understand, they're just trying to get by. Maybe they can only eat mansions and wear Bentleys. We wouldn't want them to starve to death and not have clothes. We should support them by purchasing their CDs and then listening to one song a whole bunch of times, and then never listening to the CD again.

I'm Pregnant

Ooooooh look at me. I had sex 9 months ago. My husband banged me like a drum without a condom on. We had sex without a condom. We did it bareback. Look at me I had bareback sex. I had a man inside me.

3 Muskateers

Who eats those motherfuckers?

Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle is the King of comedy because he broke his own record of performing stand up comedy for 6 straight hours. I would like to break that record by doing one really really good second of stand up comedy. The one second stand up comedy routine. They could call me the Joker of stand up comedy, I wouldn’t mind carrying that title because the Joker is a lot smarter. He flies under the radar and doesn’t play in too many games. He doesn’t get himself too involved, and then just when you’ve forgotten about him he shows up for the games he’s not invited to. He does this on purpose because he's a joker. You are the fool, not him. The next time you play Crazy 8’s and the Joker’s face pops up, know that his smile is one of ridicule and mockery towards you.

Neighbors

I was hoping the new neighbors across the way were hot, nice boys. Then their bedroom curtains were open tonight and I saw one or two flashing lights coming from it. Now I'm thinking it's old people who are taking pictures at night. Why does my mind automatically go there?

Convenience Stores

The other day I was in a convenience store trying to take out money from an ATM. It told me I only had $0.60 in my bank account and would not give me the $0.60 because it does not carry that denomination, which is too bad because I would have bought 12 small candies. I love convenience stores. You can always find something you can afford in the convenience store unless you have 4 pennies. Some convenient stores are very nice, and they have a "Take-a-penny, Leave-a-penny" policy. In these convenient stores, if you have only 4 pennies, you can take a penny and afford a 5 cent candy. But you got to remember to fulfill your other half of the bargain at some other time in your life. You've got to leave a penny somewhere else, in one of those containers, although it doesn't matter where the penny comes from. If you use a penny you find on the ground, it might mean extra-lucky.