Stick a Rice Cake on It

A good way to stop bleeding from a minor cut or wound is to stick a rice cake on it. It’s actually better than a band aid because it absorbs more and doesn’t hurt when you take it off, it just gets crumbly. Make sure the rice cake is not salted.

My Smart Phone

Here are some dumb words my phone comes up with when I am trying to text “home” or “good” on automatic writing.

good
home
gone
hood
hoof
hone
goof
imme
inne
hond
inof
gooe

Cute, Phone... cute.

Party Hats

Party Hat: (definition) : dunce cap. That's why you feel dumb wearing them. Don't be fooled. The joke's on you, dumbass.

A Question I Hate

You know what question I hate? “Would you like to revert to the saved copy of this version?” What the hell does that mean? Any time that thing pops up (which is every time I open a word document I have saved, which is a lot), I am hee-ing and haw-ing and uh-duh-duh-duh I-don’t-know-what-to-do-ing. And so 50 percent of the time I pick 'yes' and 50 percent of the time I pick 'no', and 100 percent of the time it does absolutely nothing. What the fuck?

Halloween Peanut-Free Boxes

I’m not so sure how I feel about those. I don’t really like them. Kit-Kats, Coffee crips, Smarties and Aero. They suck. Coffee crisp is ok but those are always the first to go. Aero’s always last because nobody wants an aero unless they’re trying to lose weight. I feel sorry for all the people who can only eat out of peanut free Halloween boxes because they’re missing out in life in ways they could never imagine. Those peanut free boxes are a bit pretentious too, I feel like. They remind me of waif alien-boy supermodels of today, where the boxes with snickers and peanut butter cups and all that make me think of the 90s supermodel. Is there any comparison? And don’t kid yourself – Kit kat will make you as fat as an Oh Henry will, they’re not a nice lite snack. At least with Oh henry you feel full after, whereas Kit Kat makes you feel like such a good choice-maker and then you eat 10 of them.

Clothes Sleeper

Any body else out there sleep in their clothes, or is it just me? I don’t know why everyone feels it’s so important to put different clothes on before you go to bed. I can see maybe cause it’s more comfortable than sleeping in jeans, but c’mon it’s not worthy of a weird look when I come out of bed in the morning and am still dressed in the same clothes as last night. Who cares? On more than a handful of occasions I’ve slept in my clothes and then cared enough in the morning of what the peanut gallery on the other side of my bedroom door thought to actually change into my pajamas IN THE MORNING in order to look like I’d slept in them all night. And then of course you get the “how come your pajamas aren’t wrinkled?” questions and I just give up after that and admit to sleeping in my clothes and admit to being a BIG WEIRDO and stuff. You still sleep the same, believe it or not. In fact, your dreams are more adventurous because you subconsciously know you’re prepared to go on whatever journey your mind has set out for you, whereas when you’re dreaming in your pajamas – yeh—have fun in those.

Update: I forgot to mention that this usually happens when I'm drunk. Which is almost every night, cause I drink every night.

Flatulence Etiquette

Don’t you hate it when this happens? I’m sure we’ve all been in the situation where there are two of us standing in any public place, most likely where there is closed space and poor air circulation, like where I was last weekend, the bar. I was with a friend and we were in this smoldering club, the air already smelt like a sweat lodge where instead of using clean water they rung out someone’s B.O. saturated T-shirt sprinkled with a little asparagus-piss over the coals.

Anyways, we were ordering drinks at the bar, and despite the evaporated sweat that was clinging to my nasal ciia, my olfactory sensors detected a pong so raunch it could only be produced by one thing: flatulence. I don’t even wanna guess what the person had to eat that night, but let me tell you it wasn’t cotton candy and gum drops. This rank hit me so hard I was beginning to hope the bartender had emergency smelling salts in stock. It was so bad that I knew both my friend and I had smelled it, and as my nose was crinkled up like a little button, I just about said something – but then stopped myself.

What if she dealt it? Her potential embarrassment for the rest of the evening was not worth my acknowledgment of the farty air. But because of this courteous reasoning, I got myself into a rather pickle of sorts: What if she had not birthed these cosmic explosions of nauseous gas, and assumed that I had because I wasn’t saying anything??

So here I was, stuck between a fart and a hard place. What do you do in that situation? I liken it to going into a washroom where someone else has just shat, and then feeling like you have to take the blame after, even though you just go to pee pee but the person who goes in after will assume you’re the one who shat if the smell is still lingering. In the end, I didn’t mention the fart, and neither did she, and I also gave her the benefit of the doubt that the ugly smell did not come from her anus but that of one of the 100 or so more disgusting people in there. I assume she gave the same benefit to me.

Fucktober

Fucktober, Fucktober, Fucktober. I can't believe it's come to this. The summer is dead, the air is freezing fucking cold, and Fucktober is upon is. At least Fucktober brings with it Halloween. Even though we have to wait through the whole fucking month of Fucktober to ever see that holiday. Mostly, Fucktober brings apples like Fucktember, scarecrows, fumpkins, and lots of other creepy shit, which is why it is redeemable. But still fucking.

Ovals

What the hell is up with ovals? What's up with that shape? Are ovals really that important, do they show up in our lives really that much? Cause it was one of the first shapes I learned on my shape-sorter when I was a baby and we learned a hell of a lot about ovals in math 30 class and, why? Did I really need to know about ovals? At least trapezoids and parallelograms and all that shit is interesting and they have cool names. But ovals are pretty useless.