Babies Being Pushed Out Of Vaginas

Channel 41: babies being pushed out of vaginas
Channel 34: babies being pushed out of vaginas
Channel 52: chefs running around for ingredients

...guess I'm watching the Food Network again

Let's Try It Anyway

Red Robin Coupon

I also want to enjoy the finer things in life

like bigass Yankee candles.

I Just Wanna Talk to a Flower

Am I the only person looking forward to this?

Where are all the weird people?

Thanks John Mayer, thanks

I think I’m warming up to John Mayer a bit. Actually I’ve been warming up to a lot of things and morons and enemies I can't stand in the recent weeks. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, I’m worried for my hateability.

I didn’t try to like John Mayer. I have not been trying to like anybody I presumably hate. Some acoustic album of his was playing on repeat at a party I was working at. If I didn’t hear cheers from half the people there that John Mayer was on, I probably would have asked somebody who it was with the intention of getting the album. I’m embarrassed for myself. It helped John Mayer’s case that his lyrics and voice were fuzzed out by the party atmosphere and that he was sandwiched between the beloved Hall & Oates and Van Halen and Journey and Whitney Houston. So I was already buttered up. He also had one on there with Eric Clapton or some legend. He’s really been stacking himself up against me.

All I have to say is, FUCK YOU John Mayer, FUCK YOU. I’m not giving up. I’m not surrendering to your douchedom. Even if it means I have to make excuses to hate your music. Even if it means I have to hear your high pitched voice of a queef over your guitar riffs that are lukewarm with seduction. Even if it means I have to hate myself in order to hate you, I’ll do it. I’ll hear your voice as a high pitched queef and I’ll repeat the mantra, Fuck you John Mayer, fuck you until the day I murder myself because your voice comes on during a lovemaking session.

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[no blog]

Hey Scenesters,

Hey Scenesters,
Maybe you should try putting noble gas inside your scenester balloons at your next scenester party. That way, maybe disrespectful shoddy broads wearing 2 inch white stilettos won’t come out of nowhere and pop them with her heel and RUIN everything. Maybe you won’t be so irritated if you bring a tank of noble gas to your next scenester shin dig.

Word to the Noble Gases

Still really into the periodic table of elements. Wanna pay some respect to the noble gases, to the guys on the far right. You’ve brought light in the creation of:

balloons
elf voices
80s clothing
superman
palm tree/beer lights
demon voices
lasers
Jupiter’s air

Normally I wouldn’t feel I have merit to be the one honoring your greatness, Noble gases, since I am no chemist nor am I as obsessed with or enamored in you as the true chemists are. I don’t know much about you, have only but scratched that superficial surface with my humble awareness. However, I justify my lowly tribute by saying that most humans and 3rd density beings could care less about your existence, so I would hope that you gracefully take what you can get, which I trust you will oh Noble ones. I hope I speak for many, conscious or not, in saying that you impress me and fascinate me with your 1st density greatness.

No Funeral

I had a thought while driving today that if I die tomorrow, and there is a funeral for me, I will be MAD. I do not want a funeral the same way I do not want a wedding. Everybody doing the same standardized thing in the same church wearing the same colors to fulfill the same external expectation, bleh bleh. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to weddings as much as I love going to funerals. I just don’t want my own. I guess I’ll have to talk to my parents over the holidays or something, let them know I’ll be really mad if they throw me a funeral if I die. I don’t want no casket. Don’t want no smiling picture of me in a frame on a pillar. Don’t want no lunch after. Don’t want no dead body smelling flowers. Putrid, it’s PUTRID.

Tipping at Starbucks: American Version

Been spending a little time in the states and after frequenting about 10 Starbucks's I noticed that they have completely different tip jars. They don't have Canadian tip jars, which are usually wide open holiday mugs or something ugly that never sold during markdowns. In America they have locked boxes with slots in them that are attached to the counter!

SO. I could revise my tipping instructions, to include options for americans to tip on the cheap, as well. However. I noticed that starbucks people in america don't seem to exude that they want or care about a tip. But INTERESTINGLY, I am feeling more generous. I like to fold up a 1 and slip it in that little see through prison of change.

Observations:
-tip box slot is kinda small, good for change, not great for bills. Conclusion: American starbucks employees only want to be tipped in crappy change (cause they don't have loonies or toonies here - although I did get some weird token looking things that supposedy are $1)
-tip box if full of dimes and pennies and crap change, maybe one bill in the entire box. People treat them like muscular dystrophy boxes in grocery stores where you put your shit change in there cause you don't want it. That's what they look like.
-tip box is usually not right out in the open, have to search for it with your eyes

My overall advice about this is that you shouldn't even bother tipping at American Starbucks's, especially if they have tip boxes. Nobody else does. It's like the bystander effect. I just don't feel guilty about it here. However, if you're feeling generous, by all means, tip. I'm slippin 1's in there like it's canadian tire money! I've never thrown a loonie in a tip jar in canada, EVER.

Peak Flaccid

Whistler = OVERRATED. Peak Season = LIES.

You can beg all you want...

I will not let go of your buoy. There is plenty of air in your buoy to keep us both afloat. You may have gotten to your buoy first, but I got to your buoy second, which means I will hang on to your buoy for longer. I have swum from buoy to buoy. I know buoys. I know a good buoy when I see one. You’ve been at your buoy for too long. You need to learn to swim.

Conversation between Me and Myself

Even though me and myself are best friends, we sometimes get ourselves into kerfuffles.

ME
Did you know that red wine needs to breathe?

MYSELF
Oh, that’s so stupid.

ME
Like how does red wine breathe? Does it also need to brush its teeth because it will stain itself red?

MYSELF
Haha, yeah it must have really stained teeth to go with its breathable lungs.

ME
Well, not necessarily. Not everything that has lungs has teeth.

MYSELF
Hmm

ME
Maybe I’m wrong about a lot of things.

MYSELF
Yeah, you might be. You might be wrong about everything. Maybe you’re stupid, Maybe you’re a big loser. Maybe nobody likes you. You’re so in your head. People think you’re weird. You stand for nothing.

ME
I need to distract myself immediately. Booze or masturbation?

MYSELF
Both.

Love and Satan

People who worship Satan still love Satan. It is an act of love to love Satan. There is still an overwhelming direction of love toward something, in this case Satan. Whereas if everyone hated Satan, that would be true Hell, which it kinda is with all those Satan haters out there.

Fuckvember

Fuckvember is the time when I've got to buy the most gifts. Not because it's also Fucksmas season, but because everybody fucked around Vagentines day in Fuckruary of whatever year and then a ton of babies were born in Fuckvember. Haven't you noticed? Everybody's fuckin birthday is in Fuckvember. It's the universal symbol that everyone is still having sex and making babies. Fuck you, Vagentines day. Now I gotta buy presents because a bunch of people fucked.