He works 10 hrs a Day!

Well…since nobody has come up with the ingenious idea of making a Dean Koontz novel into a movie, I guess I'm going to rip that ticket and put it in my pocket and run with it all the way to fifth dimensional jackpot bonanza. Dragon Tears. 1995. Dean. Me. And the dog who smelled the farts.

Anybody know Dean's email?

I Don't Have The TMZ Bracelet

I'm not in the club.

I go home for lunch, I don't have that critical window of lunch hour to gossip and actually be somebody. Sometimes I feel like when I come back from lunch, TMZ has made fun of me or talked about me with the other girls in the ring. She's so omnipresent, you know?

I don't wanna be on TMZ's bad list, so I won't say anything about her, to ANYBODY. Cause if I do, she might make everybody hate me, she's the post popular girl in class. For now I'll just settle for not having the bracelet and being a nobody.

I've got one friend, a journal, and a pack of open cigarettes I found in a field.

Hey Guess What, You're All Slaves

Hmm, how should we keep the people working like animals without them rioting and pitchforking and revolutionizing all over the place?
Oh I know, I know, we'll pay them a little chicken feed. Give them some chicken feed and tell them they're working, they're not slaving, and then they'll shut up and be happy to at least have a job. They'll spend all their time worrying about how they're gonna feed all those mouths than actually question what the hell is going on.


Next week: Hey Guess What, You're All Dumb

Hey Alison...

I'm your biggest fan

My New Standard For Comedy

Does it sound like something someone would say on Twitter?

...guess I'm back to writing long blogs again.



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Tweet that!

PS

why didn’t Christine choose the Phantom?. She’s an idiot.

I can’t wait to go see ALW’s new The Phantoms of the Opera starring those Jabberwockies. She’s gotta choose at least ONE of them out of the 10.

How Scary Will This Day Be?

The day I say “damn I wish I was 37 because I am 42.” Five years difference. It’s like the difference between 22 “I’m the hottest thing on earth” compared to 27 “I’m not as shit hot as I thought I was” Oops I meant “27 I’m the hottest thing on earth” compared to “32 I’m not as shit hot as I thought I was” Oops I meant “32 I’m the hottest thing on earth” compared to 37” I’m not as shit hot as I thought I was.” Oops I meant “37 I’m the hottest thing on earth” compared to 42” I’m not as shit hot as I thought I was.” What?

What a Nutjob

Alby's totally just fucking with this guy

http://dlisted.com/node/36549

Bored #12

I don't know how the hell to fix a motherbored. I'll just buy a new computer.

Bored #11

Springboreds aren't like trampolines.

Bored #10

I'm Jon Mayer. I don't want you to hit your head on my headbored without my hand behind it during sex while I sing you a song in my queef voice.

Bored #9

Bulletin boreds forever and always have tons of information that I don't want to read.

Bored #8

Wedding trade shows are a smorgasbored of white things and gaggling pinheads.

Bored #7

Why would I want to cross over the boreder to Canada? Nothing happens there.

Wonder what will Happen When...

women start baring their breasts in public, legally, for say 10 years till it becomes no big deal to see a woman in our society topless...then what will happen? Will we go get labia implants? Maybe. But maybe it will become more "in" to have smaller labes - to get labal reductions. My prediction is..............Bigger labes. Guys will love that shit when tits don't matter. Long, boisterous labilicious labes.

Predictionnnnnnnsssss.

Water Nymphs

It's not nymphomaniacs in water, guys.
Don't know who got it wrong - the people translating or the people writing it.



This (above) is not a water nymph. This is someone(s) who is trying to impress/satisfy a man through sex. Or get paid. This should just be a picture of her sexually worshiping and lapping through the waves of money, cause that's what she wants.
Obviously drawn by a man.



That's porn.

Porn. Porn. (use your imagination or google image)

Someone who's a water nymph, not a porn star, not a sex addict, loves sex but is just a little bit more in love with the water than she is with sex. It's a close call, but she loves water a little bit more. She wants them both, but she would choose the water over the sex. Sex - water = nothing. Water - sex = sexy. She's a water nymph. She's not a sex slave.




CALYPSO!!!

Don't Fuck Up This One

Gooooooooddddddddd. Better not sip this drink over the keyboard of this new laptop. Don't want to FUCK UP THIS ONE like I did the other one. Not with my water sip. Or my elbow kneel. I'd hate to be irresponsible and have a computer destroy itself because it can't handle a bit of universal cleanser.

Mel Gibson

What’s with Mel Gibson and his creepy energy lately? Creepy McCreeperson McGinty. He’s so schizotypal PD. He reminds me of the basketball star in high school who moved on to become a real estate agent with shifty eyes and a billboard on Calgary Trail.