I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I'm almost 30 and still a virgin. I've always been not so much a prude and not afraid of sex but I've sort of been secretly saving myself for love the way virgins do. I just can't bear to have unmeaningful sex, especially for my first time. The problem is that I haven't found love, or even someone I want to share that with. And I don't know if I ever will. The older I get the more anxious I am to lose my virginity, for every reason in the world. The boat's long gone. Nobody's a virgin anymore except me. My 14 year old niece is even maybe not a virgin anymore. She has a boyfriend she's been seeing for over a year and I'm like, how can she be a virgin still? They say they are but how would you not be experimenting at that viable age, especially with someone you trust? So my niece might not be a virgin and I am. But that's not all. It's not just that I feel pathetic.
I'm also starting to feel resentful, that I didn't have fun in my 20s like everyone else, because I was waiting for an ideal that doesn't exist. I passed up a lot of opportunities. Some with guys I sort of liked but who were sleazy. But who knows where it could have gone. You know those players who are SO into you, then you say NO to them and then the next girl they get with they stay with forever? So I feel like, just fuck it, I'll fuck whoever comes along who I'm sexually attracted to. That at least happens once in a while.
So there's patio repairs going on at my building right now. They've been going on for 2 months. It's been annoying. They start at 8am every weekday and if I'm ever not working I can't sleep in because their hammering begins at 8am sharp. I've also been annoyed as hell because on the days that I work, several times, I've had run-ins with the patio men as they're "getting supplies" from the technical room in my parking garage. Many times, as I've gone down to my car, I've seen the technical room open and lit up, and then a guy or two comes out, and they always notice me leaving in my car. I try to avoid people for the most part so it's been extra annoying for me. I don't mind the occasional neighbor here or there, but the same patio guy seeing me every day started to weird me out, especially since I'm single, being a virgin and all, and I live alone and their scaffolding scales the outside of the building. Who's to say he's not someone who'd slip in through my patio door late at night and sexually assault me, rape my virginity away. I mean that's extreme, and I've never really explored that shadow of my paranoia til now. But it's a possibility. Or, I'm mean I'm sure he wants to do that. He wants to fuck me. I can tell when a guy wants to fuck me. Most men do. This guy it was obvious because he's always "coming down" at the same time in the morning when I'm walking out to my car. And he always looks to be dicking around and paying attention to me, not really into the patio gathering.
One time I even considered parking my car on the street, just to not have to see him the friday morning. See him come out for "patio wood." I knew there was a 90 percent chance he'd be there and I couldn't bear one more awkward run-in and me getting annoyed at another fucker wanting to fuck me.
He didn't end up being there that day, what a relief. I think it might have been raining too hard or something. And then it was the weekend and I didn't see him or his patio partner for a couple days. Then one monday or tuesday morning, I was walking to my car on my way to work, through the parking garage, and I heard voices out of nowhere. Then patio man was right in front of me, with his patio partner. They were laughing jovially about something, and patio man said something like "How bout them Canucks eh?" (the Canucks have been doing really well in hockey this season and there had been a game they won the night before). But I thought he said "this rain sucks eh?" and so I was like "yeah it sucks." So he thought I was anti Canuck. And he and patio friend were like "oohhhhhhh not a fan" and all impressed I'd one-up'd them. So I was like " I didn't watch it" which was true. So they got even more impressed/intrigued, and that's when the tables turned for Patio Man.
They went off laughing, and me kinda amused at the horribly awkward encounter, and I went to my car and shook the social confrontation off, drove to work, forgot about it, etc. One thing about patio man though, close up he's kind of like a Mike Rowe, who I find hot when he's in a hat, even though he's gross. Or even sort of a Hugh Laurie with patio clothes on. He's hot. He's like one of those hot dads except single. I'm assuming, with how much he loves me. So then the other day, I was driving home at an odd time because I got off work early, went around the front way to my building (not the way I usually go), not thinking about patio men at all because I never come home at that time (they're ALWAYS gone when I come home from work - only encounters have been in morning). And I drive by patio man working out front! And he sees me! Or so I thought he might have seen me. What made me sure he'd seen me was that I drove into my parking garage, here I am all parked and ready to go up when, low and behold, who comes down "for wood." Patio Man. And I kinda didn't mind this time. I ignored him as usual but as I went up to my apartment, I thought about how hot it would be to invite him up. Fuck him in the middle of the day when he's supposed to be fixing patios, have a full on love affair with him for the remainder of his patio repairs. And he was a hot older guy too, which this virgin has come to want to pop her cherry more than a young guy. It's like more extreme if I get my cherry popped by a hot older guy, like a May-December. And it's not like he'd say no. So it was completely up to me, I could make that happen if I wanted. I could lose my virginity to this guy.
BUT. I don't want to lose my virginity to a patio man. I just can't do it. I've messed around with guys before, it's been fun but they've always proven to be losers and I'm glad my virginity is intact after. My virginity is hanging on to my ideals. I want this to be love, and I can't fall in love with a patio man. That's sad. And not to mention, I'm pretty sure it was my virgo common sense that was so turned off by him in the beginning. And also, it's my virgo criticism that's like, "ew he'd stink, having worked half the day doing manual labor. I don't want him in my bed." Stuff like that. AND, this is the worst thing and embarrassing for him, but they use a fucking port-a-potty that's on my building's front lawn that's been here since they started. Eww. I drive past it and I'm like "Patio Man shits in there every day." Yuck yuck yuck. I don't wanna think about that. Patio man shits on my front lawn. Noooo. And if we had the love affair he'd be so glad to be able to use a real restroom (ie mine) that he'd shit in there after a lunch session, a bunch of fucking then a crap. No no no. OR he'd be too embarrassed to shit in my apartment and go down to the port-a-potty right after leaving my apartment. I know I'm a judgmental bitch and that's probably why I'm a virgin. I don't deserve that body pleasure because I reject every other bodily act. Ick. Anyways, can't fuck the patio man for now. I figure if fate will have it, we'll have another run-in and see what happens. See if I'm more attracted to him. If I like him enough I won't mind about the shits. I'll be able to overlook that. But he's a patio fixer. And kinda sad. Plus I always look like shit in the morning, I've always just rolled out of bed. I don't care how I look for work. So that's a turn-off, that he likes me even though I look like shit. Shows how desperate he is. "Oh a female - look a female! I'm a dog in heat."
PLUS, I always pictured it to be way more significant than this. If I fucked the patio man for a couple weeks, not even knowing that much about whether I even like sex or not (although I'm pretty sure I would, given my libido these days), that would be sad too. It's weird because the longer I go being a virgin, the less it means and the more it means. DILEMMA
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