Life of the Party

Anyone who is the life of the party is really an attention seeker because the true life of the party is the party in your head. You don't have to be talking to anybody to have a good time. You can just talk to yourself, in your head. Or you can talk to an object that is not alive, and see what it has to say about it, in your head. Or you can watch people and laugh at them, in your head. You can get really drunk with yourself and think really rude thoughts about people you are watching, in your head, while you are saying it out loud, to their face, but you forget about it after because you black out.

Freaky Kids

I was watching TV and I saw two freaky kids who have an indy band, and I thought Hey, can't you just play Tag? It would save you from having to practice instruments, go on tour, and do drugs.

Maynard's Song

There's a band that plays that song in the Maynard's candy commercial with the girl(s) walking. I was excited when they released that song, so I went and bought the single. Then I realized I could have just watched the commercial 6 times in a row. And I would have had $10 left over for the candy I'm craving.

Furry Hood

I have a coat that's got fur on the hood. It's great because when I put on the hood, I feel like I still have hair; and when I take off the hood, I still have hair. When you're wearing a normal hood, no one really knows if you have hair or not. But when you're wearing a hood with fur, you feel confident that everyone still thinks you've got hair.

Writers Guild

I heard the Writers Guild went on strike a couple of months ago, and I never really knew what that meant. Every time I strike a match or an iron spike, I think about it though.

Malls

I was at west edmonton mall today and I didn't shop, I played Red Rover. Except I didn't want to play Red Rover. I get it that you're a couple and you hold hands, but please fuck off and stop catching everybody in your trap.

Nutcracker

Crack those nuts, nut cracker

Hot Girls

Dont worry, there's lots of hot girls out there to go around. You may not have gotten a good look at that hot girl over there, but there's a million other hot girls coming out of that store across the street, so don't worry. There will be more hot girls around the corner when you come. Don't walk yourself into a pole over it.

News

Thank you, news, for reporting every car accident, bomb, murder, shooting, and animal/ baby death that took place in the world today.

Dumb Things

Waterbeds

69

I have exactly 69% battery power left in my computer.

Crackpouch

I carry my crack pouch with me everywhere I go.

Accidently Pissing People Off

Nothing is better than pissing people off by accident. Today this guy in front of me was trying to parallel park and I stopped so he could get in the spot. But I didn't realize I had my signal light on, so he thought I wanted the spot too. So he just sat there, got pissed off I'm sure, and finally drove up and went into a different spot. When I drove past him, and he saw that I didn't even want to park in the original spot, he was PISSED. I didn't even try to piss him off, I was trying to be courteous. It was an accident.

Celebrities Tripping

SMACK!

Payday!

I'm so excited that friday is coming up, and I get paid. I can't wait to pay my bills!

Pants

It's great to go shopping at winners for pants because all the sizes are wrong, so you can wear a size 2 pant and be proud of it. You can wear your size 2 pant and feel confidence, and if your insecure girlfriends check the label on your pants, it will actually say "2!"

Come and wipe my bum, please!

Throwback!

Dumb ipod Commercials

What's dumber than dumb ipod commercials are commercials that advertise they sell dumb things like ipods. As if we're all dumb and we don't know that future shop sells ipods. God, that's so dumb.

Uuman Rights

I'm becoming an advocate for uuman rights. I really believe in that kind of stuff, and who better to help on this earth than other uuman beings? Lets start with the uumans and go from there.

Cops and Robbers

Remember cops and robbers? It was always more fun to be a robber. I hope that means that I'll get to be a kleptomaniac one day. That would be fun, like wynona rider. Me and wynona rippin down the town.

Laptops

I've decided to throw my laptop away because I saw a press release from the cancer people that laptops can cause cancer, and I really don't want to get lap cancer. Apparently lap cancer is one of the worst.

Ottawa

Otta-waaa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Life

I think it's about time I stopped taking my life so seriously. I'm gonna make some decisions here, pretty soon, starting with my password. Forget numbers and exclamation marks and all that crap.

Pubic Hair Phones

Has anyone else out there heard about pubic hair phones? Well supposedly they make these things in Thailand and take pubic hair sheared off people from 3rd world countries and then twist all the pubic hair until it's hard like plastic and then they mould it into a phone. Apparently it's better material for phones than plastic or fibreglass even, because of its sound conductability or some crap. Sounds like bullshit to me. That makes me fucking mad.

Nakedness

The way the world is going, it looks like pretty soon people aren't going to wear clothes when they go out. People will carry their lives about in a nude state. And would that be really all that bad? At least then it wouldn't be such a big deal if you got flashed a boob or a ball. Because you'd be getting flashed all the time. You wouldn't care anymore. There would be far fewer criminals because of all the arrests made for nudism in public. Would it really kill us to be naked? Maybe our sexual tension would cease and people wouldn't be all addicted to sex and porn any longer. It's all about resistance and suppresion, people.

Weed

I just ran out. I'm down to crumbs and putting a few crumbs in a pipe and smoking that and then wondering if youre high for the rest of the night. Damn it!

Dumb Shows Out There On TV

What the hell's with all those dumb shows out there on TV?

The ones that are drama/investigative/horror or whatever they are and they're always in a nightclub investigating a murder. It's always a man-woman team and there's always lots of sluts around as witnesses. And the woman investigator can never trust anyone.

Long Red Boots

Who doesn't want a pair of long red boots?

Avril

Avril Lavigne: "There are so many more talented people out there. I am just one of the lucky ones."

Avril, I am here to tell you that,
Yes, you are absolutely right.

Pink Hair

I really want to dye my hair with a strip of hot pink, sort of like Avril Lavignes. Then I can be a sk8ter girl, just like her. I've always wanted to be a sk8ter girl. It's okay Avril, you don't have to be a sk8ter girl anymore.

Alone

What does that mean again when you're at home by yourself and you start drinking and you finish the whole bottle, every day?

Money Trees

I'm surprised not very many people know about all the money trees that exist. Basically they're every tree that can make paper, so every tree.

Fire Pokers

What the hell's with fire pokers? Why haven't they evolved by now? Still the same old black fire poker.

Fire Pokers

What the hell's with fire pokers? Why haven't they evolved by now? Still the same old black fire poker.

Hugh Hef

Old Hugh. He is a PIMP. He doesn't even wear clothes, he just wears a robe all day. I looked at Halloween party pictures from his mansion and he didn't even dress up for Halloween. There's no way in hell that guy's gonna change for Halloween. And also, he's a PIMP because he makes money off all those women who pose nude, and he sleeps with some of them (? really?). I don't know, he seems pretty uninterested in sex these days. If you look at his eyes, his mind is definitely on something a normal old man's mind is on, like...sex. FUCK. Old perv. He's got it in the bag, brilliant old fuck.

ROTFLMAO

What the hell is with ROTFLMAO? That's fucking annoying. Plus, you're not even doing that. As if. Here's what I'm doing: RAJAGHIB. You should try it sometime ROTFLMAO.

Bouffants

Why do girls have bouffants? Do you think Amy winehouse's bouffant is real? I don't. Some girls have real bouffants that god knows how much time that took. And nobody likes them! Hello! Guys do not like bouffants, they are scary. Would you want to go to bed with a bouffant? Yuck. Makes me wonder if girls without bouffants tell girls with bouffants that they like their bouffants so that they keep wearing their bouffants and looking BAD. Girls do that you know. We like to lie to eachother and tell eachother we look good when that is not the case. It's a competitive thing.

My Super Sweet 16

My super Sweet 16 is coming up. Well, it's actually my super sweet 26, but whatever. I was thinking about having a dress designed, but I'd rather just wear my birthday suit, because it's my birthday! So we're gonna pay off the city police so that I am able to attend my birthday party naked. I'm gonna take a tank down to hastings street and round up a whole bunch of homeless people. I'm gonna feed them cake and purple kool-aid, and we're gonna roll on through the streets of downtown killing people. We get points - 2 points for squishing someone with the tank and 3 points for shooting somebody with guns that the government is supplying, and 5 points for killing somebody who swears at us or tells us to fuck off. Then we'll all die from the kool-aid! I'm actually doing Vancouver some good because now we won't have to worry about the bums and over-population for the 2010 olympics! Happy birthday to me!!!

Correction - Pubic Hair Coats

Correction - it takes 100 vaginas OR 50 hairy sac/butt combos to make a pubic hair coat.

Shaving

Why do you always have to cut yourself every time you're shaving? Like yesterday I was shaving my legs in the shower, and I cut myself and blood started dripping everywhere. And then I slipped and fell in the tub and hit my head. I lost consciousness, which wouldn't be a big deal, except I like to take shower-baths. I fill the tub half with water, and then shower in the half filled bath tub. So the bath tub was half full because of my shower-bath, I fell and hit my head and passed out, and the shower was running so the bathtub naturally overflowed, with my dead body in it. Yep, that's right. I died shaving my legs yesterday. I'm dead. I'm writing this from my spirit form, but you know what the worst part of it is? My roommate found me shortly after, and because all the water in the tub was all red from my god damned bleeding leg, she thought I killed myself. The bitch didn't even bother to check if I cut my wrists or not, and my fuckin family isn't surprised - they all think I killed myself too. So now I'm dead and everyone on earth thinks I killed myself. And you know what the worst part about that is? I'm stuck on this planet too because everybody thinks I killed myself. They all prey to God for my dead, killed off soul and now God thinks I killed myself and he won't let me in to heaven. So now I'm stuck in purgatory/earth, being dead and being able to guarantee to you that heaven is 100 times better than myspace, and I'm STUCK ON MYSPACE! Fuck! If you read this -- I didn't kill myself. I was fucking shaving my leg. Fuck.

Pubic Hair Coats

I can't stand people who buy pubic hair coats and then have the nerve to wear them out in public. I'm sorry, but if you're actually gonna spend money on a pubic hair coat and flaunt it around like you're a p.i.m.p, then expect to get a lot of gawks and frowns. And don't pretend you don't know why. One hundred and fifty vaginas are killed for every pubic hair coat that is made. That's a hell of a lot of vaginas.

Glasses

Fuck broken glasses. One of the plastic nose pads on my glasses broke off, so now I’m wearing broken glasses. It’s too much trouble to take them to get fixed, not to mention that costs money, so I imagine I’ll just keep wearing them like this. Actually the honest truth is, they’re so god damned dirty that I’m embarrassed. I’ve had them for 4 years and know how many times I’ve washed them? Never. Not one time. I wipe them on my shirt and that’s it. And now they’re broken and the most dirty things I ever see (all the time, very close to my eyes).

Snow White

What the hell's up with Snow White and that blue dress?

Eye Contact

Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact. Some people go to the bar to find dates, some people go to the bar to have fun, and some people go to to the bar to make eye contact. We ought to be using the Smile as the universal signal that we want a person to pick us up, but nope, we're using eye contact, even though it could mean a lot of other things. For example, it could mean "I am scanning the room." Or it could mean "I feel your eyes staring at me but I just need to make sure...OH SHIT Shit shit shit -- I accidently made eye contact with you." I use the One Strike rule at bars. If I accidently make eye contact with a man I RUN AWAY. Another thing that works once in a while if you're about to strike out and there's no hope in getting away is to look at the person like they're a moldy sandwich. Sometimes that works, but not usually. It will often just give them the excuse to come up and ask why you're not having fun or why you never smile, which I get a lot.

Martha Stewart

Anything I own from the Martha Stewart line always has top preference to anything else I own. If I use one of my Martha Stewart towels as opposed to my other towels, I feel cleaner and dryer and more worthy. Fuck, that bitch is powerful. If I'm in the store and I see Martha Stewart shit on sale, I'll buy it.

Norman Bates

Norman Bates walking up the stairs = weird = sexy.

Line to Drop

Here's a line to drop from your vocabulary:

"Drop me a line."

No I'm not going to drop you a line of my hard earned cocaine! Fuck off!