Poo Brains Diamonds

Why do our brains have to look like spaghetti? Why oh why can’t they look like diamonds or something a little more love-worthy? It’s just like poo, like, why couldn’t we poop out diamonds that smell like perfume? WHY why why why why? I want poo brains diamonds perfume. Is it to remind us that we’re earthy? To ground us? Then fine, I’m grounded, jeez. I can’t get away from the poo. Like, should I just die now and be romantic that way?

Enough with this “naughty or nice” bullshit. Yeah, way to teach a child unconditional love you conditional fuck. Well know what, parents? Santa ain’t gonna be around much longer if you keep dishing that bullshit. Kids are being born smarter and wiser every day and pretty soon they’re gonna start asking why Santa will only come when they’re good and then they aren’t gonna give a fuck about Santa anymore. They’re going to reject Santa. They’ll call you out, Parents. They’ll call you and your behavior control mechanisms out and then your behavior control mechanisms won’t work any more.

"Who's This Idiot?"

A phrase that replays in my head hundreds of times a day as I am driving down the highway and having to swerve around idiots who drive slower than the speed limit for god knows what the fuck reason. I always have to check them out while I drive by them before speeding off. I have to. I HAVE to see who the idiot is.

PB&J

Still listening to the 3 good songs on the Peter Bjorn & John CD. Haven’t out-listened em yet.

I'm Smokin the Branches Tonight (again)

I'm smmmmmmokin the branches tonighhhhh.

Before (serious): Someone: 'Smoking the branches gives you a headache. Don't smoke those.'
Before (serious): Me: Oh. I won't smoke those then.
Now (desperate): I'm smokin the branches tonighhhhh.

Low Speed Internet

I’ve got a low speed internet connection. Got low speed internet hooked up at my place. That’s why I never get anything the fuck done. Just so you know.

Where You Are In His Top Friends

shows a lot about what kind of relationship you and your boyfriend have. If you are in any of these spots in his top friends, congratulations, you are:

First spot: pussywhipping your boyfriend every moment of every day. Congratulations, this guy is your slave.
Second spot: You will never be his number one. You only take second place to all other things.
Third spot: this guy is making it obvious that you really aren't that important in his life.
Fourth spot: not bad, not bad. At least you made it to the top row.
Fifth-20th: you're on the roster! You are one of his girlfriends. Good for you!

Note: If you did not make it into his top friends, don't fret. He may be keeping you a secret, and sometimes that's a good thing.

Yeah, yeah

Oh, okay Mr. CSI man, you can really tell that a fleck on that guy’s shirt is dried cream corn just by glancing at it. Sure, sure. You have a fat chin.

Please Stop Using the Word Cunt

Please stop using that word. If everyone continues to use the word cunt at the rate they are, it will lose all its power and then I won't have anything to call people I hate when I'm raging out. Please don't let the cunt fade away. Use cunt sparingly. Cunt is like antibiotics. Not all bugs need drugs. When dealing with the precious word cunt, one must be precise about who they are dealing it to. The party receiving cunt must be completely deserving of cunt, it can't just be the asshole who cunt you off in the turning lane. There is currently no heir to the word cunt, nothing that even compares to the raunchy dankness of this cunnting word. Keep cunt alive and keep it in power. Don't be greedy with cunt. Use it only when you need it. You'll know when the time is right.

Ghost Car Police

seem waaaay cooler than regular police. The police in police cruisers seem like loser try-hards compared to the ones in ghost cars. The ones in ghost cars, I would be way more likely to fuck. If I were trying to get out of being pulled over for speeding or something. Hopefully a ghost car does it next time that happens.

Wake-Up Music

If you like a song just a little too much, you should make it the song you wake up to in the morning. Then you won’t like it too much. You’ll fucking hate it. It’s a guarantee.
Or you could just use a recording of that bearded guy from the oxy clean commercial saying “People everywhere are discovering the stain fighting power of oxy clean.” And if you did that, you’d probably start killing people or fuck off to another dimension.

Septic

I love septic. It gives you photos a classy glow.

Fuckvember

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckvember. It's already Fuckvember. I can't believe this. I got nothing done this year that I wanted to. Now it's panic time. Cause pretty soon it's gonna be Fucksmas and everyone's gonna be wondering what I've been doing aaaaaaalllllll year. Fuck. Fuckvember's actually a good month though. It's a time when lots of Scorpios were born and we all love those. And it's also a time when we often get a chance to do a lot of sittin around which is also good. The leaves are red and yellow and poo color and it's Fuckvember and it's the time for falling in love.