Hey, Drugmate

Hurry up. I've got a bag full of cactus powder I'm dying to roll into balls and a smaller baggie of cocaine from a sex house that I tasted on my gums and under my tongue the other night and it was horrible! And all it did was make my mouth numb. I could have tattooed you onto my frenulum with that numb. I've been sitting on this book for two years because I can't get past pg 13 because it makes me want to try LSD so bad. But I won't, I won't because I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for you to swipe my D card with.

I want to swallow cactus balls with you in the desert. I want to put acid in each others' anuses and live in a missile for a while like this chick and her drugmate did. I want us to snort cocaine out of both ends of a hundred dollar bill. I want us to share the same heroine needle. I want to inhale your exhaled puff of meth smoke. I want to use a pill cutter to cut all our percocets in half. I want to pick mushrooms in the forest with you and take them home and look them up on google to see if they're poisonous or not. I want to move into really shady territory like experimentation w bear tranquilizers and be validated by your wanting to do that too.

I want you to be my sitter and vise versa.

Classic Nursery Rhymes

The Big Day

DON'T take all your Crystals to bed with you

even if you're having a shitty night and you want the support of all your crystal friends.

Trolling KFC Tonight

even if no sluts are on.

Food Names

...so many food names

Luke - noodles, beef stroganoff
Keith - quiche, cheese quiche
Paul - nail polish
Kennedy - kidney beans
Chad - cheese cubes, cubed cheese, mice cheese
Curtis - phlegm
Sam/Samuel - cat food, Fancy Feast
Marcus - snot
Doug - donuts
Graham - graham crackers
Neil - fingernails

I feel like Alexander might trigger something but I'm not sure what yet. Something in the meat department.


Dillon- dill pickle
Rick - ribs, that smell when you cook them, smell up the house
Derrick - margarine or ice cream in a big 2 litre bucket that's starting to melt
Oliver/Olivia - olives

Steve - gravy
Jeff - ROAST BEEF
Dave - flank steak
Charles - cheese, those cheese nibs crackers
Scott - (this one's gross) bologne with that circle cheese in it, colorful bologne.
Corey - oreo cookies
Raymond - carrots (this is probably bc I knew a carrot top in elementary school named Raymond)

Melanie - grapefruit cut in half and eaten at breakfast time with a spoon. Does not remind me of a MELON. Reminds me of a GRAPEFRUIT cut in half, not a whole grapefruit.
Jerry - easy -- cherry
Lyle - lyme disease
Wes/Wesley - cooked weasel or rabbit
George - porridge, that's easy, like Georgie Porgie
Brent - french toast
Brett - hair barrettes
Craig - beer
Cory - also oreos, like Corey. But not as much. Just the black part, not the white part.

Dillon

- dill pickle

Rick - ribs, that smell when you cook them, smell up the house

Derrick - margarine or ice cream in a big 2 litre bucket that's starting to melt

Oliver/Olivia - olives

Steve - gravy
Jeff - ROAST BEEF
Dave - flank steak
Charles - cheese, those cheese nibs crackers
Scott - (this one's gross) bologne with that circle cheese in it, colorful bologne.
Corey - oreo cookies
Raymond - carrots (this is probably bc I knew a carrot top in elementary school named Raymond)

Melanie - grapefruit cut in half and eaten at breakfast time with a spoon. Does not remind me of a MELON. Reminds me of a GRAPEFRUIT cut in half, not a whole grapefruit.
Jerry - easy -- cherry
Lyle - lyme disease
Wes/Wesley - cooked weasel or rabbit
George - porridge, that's easy, like Georgie Porgie
Brent - french toast
Brett - hair barrettes
Craig - beer
Cory - also oreos, like Corey. But not as much. Just the black part, not the white part.

My Alter Ego at Work

I can't even buy my Daughter Lip Gloss

My 16 year old came shopping with me the other day. We'll go together once in a while, but to be honest I try to avoid taking her. It's weird because I know she'd rather go with her friends to the mall and stuff, but sometimes she wants to come with me like teens do because they know their moms will buy them stuff. It's that expectation they have.

And she does, that's reasonable. My mother used to buy me little things when I'd go out for a girls afternoon with her. I don't remember what the fuck, not stuff I wanted. I wanted beauty magazines dirty novels with sex in them and stuff, and my mother would not buy those things for me. She'd get me a dress or something, for church. A dress I'd fantasize about cutting the neckline down and showing off to the priest who was in his early 30s and made eye contact with me a few times during those days. I used to be excited going to church because of him. I don't know if he was a priest actually, don't know what he was, maybe just a pastor. A servant to god nonetheless.

Anyways, my ugly church dresses. I used to try and sway mom into something sexier. Which didn't exist in the Girls section. So I'd rip little seams. Every time I put the ugly thing on I'd rip a little seam down the neckline. Just one or two. Little thread pops. Mom didn't notice, nobody fuckin did. All I wanted for was that priest to notice but you think he looked beyond my face? Hell no. Fuck I hate men like him, he fucked me up. I knew he wanted me but just wouldn't look past my eyes.

Anyways, Case really wanted to go shopping, which I enjoy doing, I just hate it too because I can't buy her anything. Normal moms will buy their children shoes that they really want. I dont. Because I can't, I can't afford it and that's why I hate shopping with her. And she's judgmental as fuck so she knows I have no money, and she plays on that. Not in a mean way, but in a "I'm your kid, can't you buy me something?" way. So anyways, she was being nice this day, not suggesting things she wanted too much, probably because I'd been smoking while doing my bills the week before (I never smoke except when Im stressed. I try not to do it in front of the kids but Case is obviously smart and knows what I'm up to so I don't hide it from her. The way I get her to accept my smoking is to let her smoke with me. We have a cigarette together and call it a night. I know for a fact she doesn't smoke and thinks it's cool that her mom lets her have a smoke when moms doing the bills).

So we were in the department stores, yeah, and she comes across this makeup station that she is raving about and I guess all the girls are into. Expensive stuff, like they all are. She wants this lipgloss stick that is a shimmer lipgloss, purple, and it's $24! I can't afford that crap, especially for ugly purple shit. So I tell her no, try to just get out to the car (we ate at the food court, thought that might be enough to appease her), and she's all passive agressive about it like she goes to try it on in the mirror they have set out there, actually looked ok on her because she's Casey. And then she's like "It's ok mom, don't worry about it. Michele's coming here on the weekend with her mom and they invited me." So what- suggesting Michele's moms' gonna buy her the purple lip stick? Fuck off.

So you know what I did? I fuckin bought it for her. I paid $24 for a fuckin lip gloss to not feel like a loser for my daughter. And do you know what that $24 replaced? Groceries for the week and tampons. Tampons for me, I need super absorbent, and the $15 I would have spend on groceries for at least some dinners. A lot of the time the kids aren't home for dinner anyways so that probably would have covered 4 dinners.

I fucking did that, and I feel pathetic. Not pathetic that I gave into my daughter. I want to buy her shit like that. I'd buy her a fucking car if I could. Pathetic because I had to give up dinners and a box of tampons to impress my daughter. For dinners that week I scrounged the freezer and managed to pull it together, told the kids I was experimenting. No complaints from their department, just chewing. But for tampons I was in my first week and haven't got it yet. I'm due right away. Not sure what I'll do. I dread to think but I'll probably sneak into my daughter's closet and grab a handful of her's. Tampons I bought for her months before. That's I'm stealing from her now.

Does it get any more pathetic?

Morning Meditation

Please send me any messages during this meditation in the form of feelings, thoughts, words, images, or auditory sounds that might be of help or in answer to what I'm looking for in this moment.

Answer:

-Look in your rear-view mirror
-Open drawers without handles on them

Visions received:

-Little Indian girl
-Bra

ANA Confession 28765)

I've come to use masturbation in place of eating or to curb my food cravings. Yesterday I masturbated so many times I lost track. I can't believe how despicable I feel. And it doesn't even work that well. Often times after I orgasm I'll go eat anyway and feel like such crap after that I go and masturbate again. It's a vicious cycle. I'm so ashamed I can't even look people in the eye, I can't have sex properly with my boyfriend. My privates have become sore and I'm still fat.

Chicken N' Whores

I thought I was the only one who trolled on KFC's FB wall. Apparently not. It's full of sluts looking for business. Why they think KFC FB would be the place to sell wank, I don't know, but I'm probably going there tonight so long as there's lots of sluts trollin.

ANA Confession 26458)

I've had anorexia and a corresponding aversion to shitting since before I was a teenager. I don't know what started first, the food issues or the shit issues, all they've done is amplify one another and help each other out. Every time I shit I feel like a dirty person and I want to end shitting altogether. I've not shat for weeks at a time with use of diarrhea pills and starving. One time I didn't shit for a 3 weeks and I had to go to the hospital. I thought I dealt with the problem but lately when I'm on the toilet I hate myself again. When I have to wipe my ass after is the worst I get, I've gone so far as to wipe my shitty toilet paper on the food I'm going to eat so I don't eat it and to remind myself how disgusting I am. My parents used to hate changing my diaper, they fought over it. I remember this from when I was 2. Then they hated wiping my ass when I was potty trained. If they only knew how much I hate wiping my own ass now.

Tonight I'm applying at McDonalds

I read the children Asseops Fables today

Potpourri Dishes vs Coin Trays

ANA Confession 24373)

For the month of February I only let myself eat snowflakes. I've been eating snow and had ed since about 14. My first year university i ate snow for the whole month bc I was actually able to without others' questioning. It's the only way I can look forward to the most depressing month of the year, is if I know I'm gonna lose 30 Ibs. Any time it snows all I'm allowed to eat is to go outside and stick my tongue in the air and catch snowflakes on my tongue. If it doesn't snow for 3 days I'm allowed to make snow cones (no flavoring, just snow) and I can also eat icicles if I can find them. I only drink water, but I try to get it with the snow. I ate a part of a snowman once. I hated myself, because I was binging on a kid's snowman. But I felt so satisfied ripping that carrot off its face and throwing it as far as I could and then just eating its head.

Ana Karma Dream

This is what I get for posting fake posts on the ana confessionals.


Monday April 11, 930am-12pm

Ana dream

-I decided to admit myself to an eating disorder recovery centre kind of thing. I had some kind of note someone had given me as admission, because they were concerned. I went with Dre, who was there as a resident herself. I was surprised by how casual it was. I didn't see any anas around, nobody actually, no nurses or ppl working there.
-It turns out that as soon as I would be admitted, I'd have to eat something. I thought, Fuck this, and ruin my fast? I'm only on Day 3, that would be such a waste. I'd feel like such a failure, I'd hate that, I hate breaking fasts. So I snuck off, just left. I figured they wouldn't care anyway.

-[Another dream might have happened in between here, can't remember, I feel like I might have hung out with my sister and stuff]

-The next day I had the thought that, if I would just admit myself to the ED place, I would get first hand research for my script of what it's like to be on an ana ward, I wouldnt have to rely on anyone else to tell me what it's like. I would just know and be able to extract from my own experiences. So I decided to go back.

-Dre wasn't all that impressed with me, and supposedly there was a series of admissions I'd have to go through because I'd run away (apparently it wasn't such an uncommon thing). We went to a big mess hall kinda thing where everyone was. Dre really knew the routine, knew her way around like she'd lived there for a year. Was totally casual about it and settled in. We got water from some sort of running fountain tap and then sat down with ppl who were not anorexic. Or maybe they were, but the old man she was talking to wasn't. He was the owner of the place or something, about 60 yrs old, good vibe, Dre really got along with him. They were talking spiritual and shit. They seemed like friends. I looked below us where there was another level sort of half way down, and you could see down there bc (sort of like a mall, that's how you could see) and there was a giant table of about 6 or 7 ppl sitting around feasting, and they all looked middle aged inmates from a wealthy jail or something. I asked Dre about it and she said they run the place too? (cr) The all appeared casual as well and to be having a good time. One was a half asian female cuddled up with one of the men (think Kimora Lee and Russel, prob cause I watched his intern show last night). It was a very Russel Simmons place.

-Dre and I got up for her to show me around. I told her the reason I'd run away was because I didn't want to be the fat ana of the group (sorta a lie, because the reason Id run away was bc I didn't think I'd needed treatment, and the reason I was back was for the sole purpose of my screenplay). I started to get emotional and cry, cry for real prob because I was sure I'd be feeling fat soon, especially if I didn't need to gain weight and I'd presumably be gaining weight at this place, that's why I was there. Dre was sort of indifferent, like everybody went through that emotion. She told me I definitely exhibited signs of Ana and reminded her of Danielle. I also asked if they offer the anas vegan food and she kinda gave me another unsympathetic look like "of course, all anas are vegetarian" and said Yes, I could get veggie.

-Dre took me to our living area. It was like a huge hotel suite. In the main room, her dad was sleeping in one of the beds. I didn't really think much that her dad was there too. Then in her room, was like the executive bedroom, two king beds, red and black colors. Her new stepmom was in the other one, I forget her name, Stacey or something, she was sleeping. I'd met her once and REALLY liked her, was so glad Dre had a decent stepmom. she had long red curly hair and was sort of a psychic type.

-Dre pointed to my room to lead me there, and as she did she ripped one of the blankets off Stacey's bed to give to me, explaining Id need it or something, prob bc I was ana and anas are always cold. As she did this, Stacey woke up and was like What the hell? They began arguing, I had the blanket in my hands and it was shit anyway. It was the most uncomfortable blanket I'd ever touched, was all pockmarked and rough like sandpaper and cottony like I hate, the ones that give me goosebumps to touch. I was like, thanks Dre, giving me the shitty one that everyone's fighting over now.

-I went to my room while they continued to argue (cr, what Dre said exactly, some profound quote so her stepmom that she kept repeating that I woke up to, something along the lines of her stepmom not being selfish) I tried to decide which bed to sleep in. There was like a queen size bed in the middle and two cot sort of mattress things right on the floor below. I wanted the queen bed but it had a bedspread on it that said "Don't sleep in Dad's Bed" and I didn't know if that was for real or just part of the design of the bedspread. Walter was sleeping in a diff bed so I knew it wasn't her dad's bed. And this is when I woke up from my ana dream.

-Dre was about 80% Dre, 20% someone else I don't know who.

A Thing I've been Doing

I've been going here and submitting totally phony posts.

I've taken it too far.
Only do this if your Jiminy Cricket has fucked off with his wooden coo-coo clock doll.

...I just want to make an Ana laugh.

Rumpelstiltskin the Sequel

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Starting my 7 Day spring fast tomorrow

I've got a looner shoot coming up, I need the bones in my ass be able to pop balloons like a razor.

Scott

Sleeping Beauty Pt 3 - Where Should I Kiss Her?

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Good HTML template if you wanna Learn

http://www.niteflirt.com/help/using_html

Sleeping Beauty Musical Interlude - The Princess Is Dead

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Sleeping Beauty Pt 2 - Kill Me Too

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