Ana Karma Dream

This is what I get for posting fake posts on the ana confessionals.


Monday April 11, 930am-12pm

Ana dream

-I decided to admit myself to an eating disorder recovery centre kind of thing. I had some kind of note someone had given me as admission, because they were concerned. I went with Dre, who was there as a resident herself. I was surprised by how casual it was. I didn't see any anas around, nobody actually, no nurses or ppl working there.
-It turns out that as soon as I would be admitted, I'd have to eat something. I thought, Fuck this, and ruin my fast? I'm only on Day 3, that would be such a waste. I'd feel like such a failure, I'd hate that, I hate breaking fasts. So I snuck off, just left. I figured they wouldn't care anyway.

-[Another dream might have happened in between here, can't remember, I feel like I might have hung out with my sister and stuff]

-The next day I had the thought that, if I would just admit myself to the ED place, I would get first hand research for my script of what it's like to be on an ana ward, I wouldnt have to rely on anyone else to tell me what it's like. I would just know and be able to extract from my own experiences. So I decided to go back.

-Dre wasn't all that impressed with me, and supposedly there was a series of admissions I'd have to go through because I'd run away (apparently it wasn't such an uncommon thing). We went to a big mess hall kinda thing where everyone was. Dre really knew the routine, knew her way around like she'd lived there for a year. Was totally casual about it and settled in. We got water from some sort of running fountain tap and then sat down with ppl who were not anorexic. Or maybe they were, but the old man she was talking to wasn't. He was the owner of the place or something, about 60 yrs old, good vibe, Dre really got along with him. They were talking spiritual and shit. They seemed like friends. I looked below us where there was another level sort of half way down, and you could see down there bc (sort of like a mall, that's how you could see) and there was a giant table of about 6 or 7 ppl sitting around feasting, and they all looked middle aged inmates from a wealthy jail or something. I asked Dre about it and she said they run the place too? (cr) The all appeared casual as well and to be having a good time. One was a half asian female cuddled up with one of the men (think Kimora Lee and Russel, prob cause I watched his intern show last night). It was a very Russel Simmons place.

-Dre and I got up for her to show me around. I told her the reason I'd run away was because I didn't want to be the fat ana of the group (sorta a lie, because the reason Id run away was bc I didn't think I'd needed treatment, and the reason I was back was for the sole purpose of my screenplay). I started to get emotional and cry, cry for real prob because I was sure I'd be feeling fat soon, especially if I didn't need to gain weight and I'd presumably be gaining weight at this place, that's why I was there. Dre was sort of indifferent, like everybody went through that emotion. She told me I definitely exhibited signs of Ana and reminded her of Danielle. I also asked if they offer the anas vegan food and she kinda gave me another unsympathetic look like "of course, all anas are vegetarian" and said Yes, I could get veggie.

-Dre took me to our living area. It was like a huge hotel suite. In the main room, her dad was sleeping in one of the beds. I didn't really think much that her dad was there too. Then in her room, was like the executive bedroom, two king beds, red and black colors. Her new stepmom was in the other one, I forget her name, Stacey or something, she was sleeping. I'd met her once and REALLY liked her, was so glad Dre had a decent stepmom. she had long red curly hair and was sort of a psychic type.

-Dre pointed to my room to lead me there, and as she did she ripped one of the blankets off Stacey's bed to give to me, explaining Id need it or something, prob bc I was ana and anas are always cold. As she did this, Stacey woke up and was like What the hell? They began arguing, I had the blanket in my hands and it was shit anyway. It was the most uncomfortable blanket I'd ever touched, was all pockmarked and rough like sandpaper and cottony like I hate, the ones that give me goosebumps to touch. I was like, thanks Dre, giving me the shitty one that everyone's fighting over now.

-I went to my room while they continued to argue (cr, what Dre said exactly, some profound quote so her stepmom that she kept repeating that I woke up to, something along the lines of her stepmom not being selfish) I tried to decide which bed to sleep in. There was like a queen size bed in the middle and two cot sort of mattress things right on the floor below. I wanted the queen bed but it had a bedspread on it that said "Don't sleep in Dad's Bed" and I didn't know if that was for real or just part of the design of the bedspread. Walter was sleeping in a diff bed so I knew it wasn't her dad's bed. And this is when I woke up from my ana dream.

-Dre was about 80% Dre, 20% someone else I don't know who.