I can't even buy my Daughter Lip Gloss

My 16 year old came shopping with me the other day. We'll go together once in a while, but to be honest I try to avoid taking her. It's weird because I know she'd rather go with her friends to the mall and stuff, but sometimes she wants to come with me like teens do because they know their moms will buy them stuff. It's that expectation they have.

And she does, that's reasonable. My mother used to buy me little things when I'd go out for a girls afternoon with her. I don't remember what the fuck, not stuff I wanted. I wanted beauty magazines dirty novels with sex in them and stuff, and my mother would not buy those things for me. She'd get me a dress or something, for church. A dress I'd fantasize about cutting the neckline down and showing off to the priest who was in his early 30s and made eye contact with me a few times during those days. I used to be excited going to church because of him. I don't know if he was a priest actually, don't know what he was, maybe just a pastor. A servant to god nonetheless.

Anyways, my ugly church dresses. I used to try and sway mom into something sexier. Which didn't exist in the Girls section. So I'd rip little seams. Every time I put the ugly thing on I'd rip a little seam down the neckline. Just one or two. Little thread pops. Mom didn't notice, nobody fuckin did. All I wanted for was that priest to notice but you think he looked beyond my face? Hell no. Fuck I hate men like him, he fucked me up. I knew he wanted me but just wouldn't look past my eyes.

Anyways, Case really wanted to go shopping, which I enjoy doing, I just hate it too because I can't buy her anything. Normal moms will buy their children shoes that they really want. I dont. Because I can't, I can't afford it and that's why I hate shopping with her. And she's judgmental as fuck so she knows I have no money, and she plays on that. Not in a mean way, but in a "I'm your kid, can't you buy me something?" way. So anyways, she was being nice this day, not suggesting things she wanted too much, probably because I'd been smoking while doing my bills the week before (I never smoke except when Im stressed. I try not to do it in front of the kids but Case is obviously smart and knows what I'm up to so I don't hide it from her. The way I get her to accept my smoking is to let her smoke with me. We have a cigarette together and call it a night. I know for a fact she doesn't smoke and thinks it's cool that her mom lets her have a smoke when moms doing the bills).

So we were in the department stores, yeah, and she comes across this makeup station that she is raving about and I guess all the girls are into. Expensive stuff, like they all are. She wants this lipgloss stick that is a shimmer lipgloss, purple, and it's $24! I can't afford that crap, especially for ugly purple shit. So I tell her no, try to just get out to the car (we ate at the food court, thought that might be enough to appease her), and she's all passive agressive about it like she goes to try it on in the mirror they have set out there, actually looked ok on her because she's Casey. And then she's like "It's ok mom, don't worry about it. Michele's coming here on the weekend with her mom and they invited me." So what- suggesting Michele's moms' gonna buy her the purple lip stick? Fuck off.

So you know what I did? I fuckin bought it for her. I paid $24 for a fuckin lip gloss to not feel like a loser for my daughter. And do you know what that $24 replaced? Groceries for the week and tampons. Tampons for me, I need super absorbent, and the $15 I would have spend on groceries for at least some dinners. A lot of the time the kids aren't home for dinner anyways so that probably would have covered 4 dinners.

I fucking did that, and I feel pathetic. Not pathetic that I gave into my daughter. I want to buy her shit like that. I'd buy her a fucking car if I could. Pathetic because I had to give up dinners and a box of tampons to impress my daughter. For dinners that week I scrounged the freezer and managed to pull it together, told the kids I was experimenting. No complaints from their department, just chewing. But for tampons I was in my first week and haven't got it yet. I'm due right away. Not sure what I'll do. I dread to think but I'll probably sneak into my daughter's closet and grab a handful of her's. Tampons I bought for her months before. That's I'm stealing from her now.

Does it get any more pathetic?