How's Cory Larkin Doing?

Cory Larkin! How’s business been in the fiscal year of 2009? Get any action? Get any mortgages paid off for your clients? Get pussy? I tried to help you out last year when I saw your smile where I put my toddler’s bottom. If you do a new ad this year, maybe I’ll put it on my blog again. I don’t know if you should put your ad on a grocery cart though. Most people who have enough money to need a whole cart’s worth of groceries already have their mortgages paid off. Maybe you should try a calendar, that’s what my dad does. Nah that's gay. That's for oldies. You need something fresh. Hmm. What about something different, like margarine? Cory Larkin margarine containers. I tell you why. Everyone uses margarine. And people always save the containers and reuse them forever. It’s like magazine advertising. People put their Christmas nuts and bolts in them. Or use them for paint water in art classrooms. Your face could turn up in all different cupboards and timelines. People living in 1234 Burnaby Terrace are old peeps with arthritis who move shit from their car up the elevator to their door with your grocery cart. That’s where you were, Cory. I don’t know if I told you that. You’re practically in a retirement facility with lonely renters. And you’re not going anywhere, you’re staying in the parking garage. They’re never going to buy a home, Cory. I’m probably the only one who noticed you and this is my way of paying you forward since I won’t need your services, ever ever ever. I don’t know how you would go about getting your ad on a margarine container but you could prob find it in one of those corporate branding catalogues. They do all kinds of stuff like watches and shit. Maybe I’ll get a T-shirt made for you. If the T-shirt people at the Cherry Bomb give me a hard time and ask why I’m putting a mortgage advisor on my shirt I’ll tell them you’re my husband. And that I’m trying to support you. I’ll tell them we’re having a baby and we’ve been showered by the shrapnel of the detonated economy. Maybe I’ll get a discount. I’ll wear it. I’ll wear it out for you. Put your number on my boobs. Lots of people look there. Maybe I’ll wear the shirt under my suit. And if I need a break from my suit-for-a-week I’ll take off my blazer and have Cory Larkin smiling at the world from my marginal wavelength.

Where the FUCK did all the Men go?

Where the FUCK did all the Men go?

.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

Who the HELL is this?? And where the hell did all the guys go? If I want to play tea party with my bears I’ll go back to grade 4. I wasn’t even this lame in grade 4, no girls were. Not ones I knew anyway. We made thriller sexcapades with our topless barbies. What’s with the cutsey-wutsey? Is this what girls want these days? I’m too far-gone in my deranged reality to know what the hell’s up with people anymore. I don’t think all my invisible friends are talking about PHIL when they are talking about 4^th density ascension and the male balancing himself out with the female. I don’t think they’re talking about EMO BOY.

Not to mention you're boring, say something we haven't all thought before whilst taking a dump.

....

I know I liked kite and puppet store boy and enchanted forest boy. But those guys weren’t working there because they loved kites and puppets and fairy tales and the 3 pigs. And if they did, they’d probably be gay and genuine. They were like 29 and they worked there cause they needed the money. They didn’t work there cause they knew it would get them hundreds of thousands of gaggling emo loving bimbos. These guys just wanted to get the fuck off work and probably go kite surfing, or do some other cool hobby, not puppeteer with tootsie rolls and vlog on youtube and be cute.

....

I’m sending my owl on you, emo sap, she’s gonna rip your little fluff ball apart trying to find guts and edible parts…Nah she’s too smart for that. She’s too good for you.

Maybe a Funeral

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Shit, I forgot to talk to my parents about not having a funeral. Actually I didn’t forget, I just didn’t have the opportunity. It’s kinda hard to bring up. Like what am I supposed to say, “Guys don’t have a funeral for me if I die, k?” They already think I’m weird enough. They’re gonna be like “why are you even thinking about that?” and then they’ll be like “what dumb conspiracy are you following now?” then they’ll be like “what have you been smoking?” in their parent voices. You know parents, they always ask that. Like smoking’s the only way to administer a drug. And then they’ll just tune me out and not even hear my plea. When people think you’re crazy they just ignore you. Try telling your parents the Queen mum was an 8 foot lizard who shape-shifted back to true form when she passed on to the next realm. Try not being labeled crazy slipping them that morsel of truth.

Best Note

So good and she'd never even know why.

A Bio Alcohol Fireplace?

Wow, thanks mom & dad, that sounds really cool. Does it have a trap door on the other side? Is it like the sarcophagus gate that will take me to SAGITTARIUS B???

Get Ready For It

Get ready for it. Mother Earth is going to cull her world. She is going to cull her world of all the weak runts and eat the dead ones after.

If You Smell a Donut

You MIGHT not be in a donut shop! Be careful! You might be in a strip club. There might be whores all around you. The donuts and cotton candy you are smelling might be a hooker who strategically placed that scent on her pulse points in order to garner a sexual response from the male part of the brain that gets him to spend money. Watch out! It's not cotton candy! It's a hookerR! She smells like candy and fluff but she doesn't on the inside. I knonw it's overwhelming, I smelt it too. But you've got to control yourselfc. You've got marshmallows at home. You ccan spend a little bit on the hooker. $5 at most. She will be happy with that. But don't let her carnival carnivorous cotton candy smelling neck and backbone and back tattoo fool yhou. She put that scent on her back tattoo. The put them on all her tattoos! She did it on purpose. She rubbed it in there. It will overtake you. she reads cosmo magazine and she knows about the studies they've conducted and she knows that the #1 turn on smell for a guy is DONUTS. And not just constable wiggums guys, Every guy! She's fucking with you,man. She's fucking with you., Don't spend $30 on a 5 min lap dance. Not worth it. Just buy a donut from Tim hortons, they're 80 cents and it opens at 4.

Winter Poem

[a poem that explores my fear of being locked outside of the house after a night of partying in -30 degree temps. Inspired by Deadmonton. Goes to the song 'Bow Down' by Ice Cube, or any Ice Cube song will work]
.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

Larry put your gloves on
Come dig your daughter out of the snow
She’s frozen like a popzicle
A popzicle a lobzicle
Lopsided kamikazikal
....
See her little hair stickin out there?
That’s where she’s buried in her underwear
And a snowsuit that didn’t even help
Cause you didn’t hear her puppy yelps
....
Dad. Daaaad. DAD.
Ring ring goes the bell
Pound pound goes the door
Daughter’s locked out, door’s frozen shut
Papa’s eyes are frozen shut you hibernatin putz
....
Daddy get the shovel
The occupational handle one
The one with the curved handle
Yeah that’s the one, The one you got from Costco
You gonna dig your daughter out
....
Put her by the fire
Melt that ice block off her knuckles
Make sure that arm doesn’t snap off
Too bad she drinks so much
She might have felt her heart freeze up
....
Daddy get the coals
Daddy get the kindling
Get some financial statements to burn
Get the fork and rake them in
And don’t forget to bring the urn

"Every time you say a swear...

..Jesus gets nailed a little bit more on to the cross."

-Mrs. Nemetti, Gr. 3 Teacher, St. Augustine school, 1991

Who Would Win This Fight?

VS

SANTA - DO NOT put these two together under the tree! They will KILL each other. The children do not need to see that bloodbath under the tree on Christmas morning.

Cougars Vs Murderers

What Am I More Afraid Of?...
Murderers or Cougars in the Woods?

Murderers won last one so I'll put something up that matches them a little closer in stature. There are known cougars in the mountains of BC. One attacked a child in her backyard on a mountain near where I live. The kid's mom got in and saved her (thank god) but I'm still afraid of those bloodthirsty cats. So:

Murderers vs Cougars (in the woods)

Murderers: chop up my body after
Cougars: eat my body after
Murderers: you can plead with a murderer
Cougars: you can't plead with a cougar
Murderers: you can play along with a murderer and outsmart them
Cougars: you can't play along with a cat that is eating you and feeding you to its young unless playing along = being fed to young
Cougars: easy enough to avoid - just don't go to the woods
Murderers: could be anywhere
Murderers: evil
Cougars: hungry
Murderers: lots of people have been killers
Cougars: not many cougars have killed people
Murderers: shows about crime killings make me feel awful but I watch them anyway
Cougars: I like National geographic

Drumroll...
Murderers wins. Thinking about a beautiful majestic animal makes me feel fuzzy on the inside. Thinking about the vacuum eyes of charles manson and ted bundy makes me feel dead.

No He's Not

I am, yep, yep. I met him on a cruise. We really hit it off. He lives in Oklahoma but we talk on the phone every day. I have a flight booked there for January. I think he could be the one…I haven’t talked to him in a few days but that’s because he was home for thanksgiving and the time difference and stuff. He’s going to call me tonight.

How To Have

How To

You Validate Meeeeeeeee

I just want to be with you! Because you would validate me. You would validate me as a human being. You would make all those people I went to high school with think that I’m actually okay now that I’m grown up. You would make everybody I pass on the street spin their heads in utter awe of our union together. We could be a power couple! You would validate my eye patch. And it’s size!

Weather Forecast

Might as well blog about the weather like everyone else. If you are in the Lower Mainland area, it’s going to be cloudy. It will probably be raining. There might even be frost and you’ll have to find some way of getting that off your car.

There are upper troughs moving in from the west and lower troughs moving in from the east and they're blowing into each other and creating a grand formation of cumbinglinigus clouds. The cumbinglinigus clouds have a very positive charge, and this mixed with warm winds from the Pacific ocean means that it is going to start raining men. This is nothing to Hallelujah about. Crime will increase. People will get raped. Many people will die. If it starts to rain men, we suggest you lock your doors and run to your bomb shelter if you have one, for as long as you can or at least until the sperm dries up, which will be in about a week.

Guy's Big Bite

Have you ever seen this Guy on the Food network? I get weird watching him because he feels like a major food addict and it's hard to watch, like it would be a meth addict cooking meth and then shooting it up after. It's just like that. He seems like a decent guy and everything, he is just WAY too much of an addict to be comfortable watching. He’s be like a dog the way dogs are when they’re waiting for food that you’re eating, he'd be like that dog but also have the ability to use a can opener and open his own food and the fridge and the pantry. HE IS THAT DOG.

Fuckcember

Fuckcember. What can I say about Fuckcember besides that it just makes me not really want to be a part of this world? And then I start to fear that I am going to attract death. And what a better time to die, than right around Fucksmas. If I'm not too careful, the universe is going to line it all up for me. Better call Operation Rednose. Just to make myspace that much more important, instead of filling out my donor card, I am proclaiming through this site that you can take my organs for other children, or teenagers, clitoris included, they probably need lots of those in Africa where they are routinely mutilated. I don't have a foreskin to donate for all the people mutilated here.