How's Cory Larkin Doing?

Cory Larkin! How’s business been in the fiscal year of 2009? Get any action? Get any mortgages paid off for your clients? Get pussy? I tried to help you out last year when I saw your smile where I put my toddler’s bottom. If you do a new ad this year, maybe I’ll put it on my blog again. I don’t know if you should put your ad on a grocery cart though. Most people who have enough money to need a whole cart’s worth of groceries already have their mortgages paid off. Maybe you should try a calendar, that’s what my dad does. Nah that's gay. That's for oldies. You need something fresh. Hmm. What about something different, like margarine? Cory Larkin margarine containers. I tell you why. Everyone uses margarine. And people always save the containers and reuse them forever. It’s like magazine advertising. People put their Christmas nuts and bolts in them. Or use them for paint water in art classrooms. Your face could turn up in all different cupboards and timelines. People living in 1234 Burnaby Terrace are old peeps with arthritis who move shit from their car up the elevator to their door with your grocery cart. That’s where you were, Cory. I don’t know if I told you that. You’re practically in a retirement facility with lonely renters. And you’re not going anywhere, you’re staying in the parking garage. They’re never going to buy a home, Cory. I’m probably the only one who noticed you and this is my way of paying you forward since I won’t need your services, ever ever ever. I don’t know how you would go about getting your ad on a margarine container but you could prob find it in one of those corporate branding catalogues. They do all kinds of stuff like watches and shit. Maybe I’ll get a T-shirt made for you. If the T-shirt people at the Cherry Bomb give me a hard time and ask why I’m putting a mortgage advisor on my shirt I’ll tell them you’re my husband. And that I’m trying to support you. I’ll tell them we’re having a baby and we’ve been showered by the shrapnel of the detonated economy. Maybe I’ll get a discount. I’ll wear it. I’ll wear it out for you. Put your number on my boobs. Lots of people look there. Maybe I’ll wear the shirt under my suit. And if I need a break from my suit-for-a-week I’ll take off my blazer and have Cory Larkin smiling at the world from my marginal wavelength.