His name is Billy Mays

I guess we're on our way to having a Billy Mays/Oxy Clean alarm clock. It's only a matter of TIME, haha.. haha. hahaha.

12/12/12

Well, it's the twelfth day of the twelfth month of the twelfth year—what? It's only 2008? Oh Fuck.

I Promise

We're friends. We just haven't met yet.

Drive-Thru Liquor Stores

One thing I've often wondered is why they don't have drive-thru liquor stores. Most people entering a liquor store want liquor on the go. Plus it would save a lot of embarrassment for a lot of people. Like, you're just gonna end up in a quiet parking lot drinking it and listening to the radio anyway, just like you do with fast food. I always prefer listening to the radio when I'm in a quiet parking lot cause the radio hosts make me feel like I'm with friends. But never when I'm driving. That's just annoying.

If You Can't Beat You, Join You

Can I just say that I have had some of the best times in the past couple weeks, with myself? There ain’t nobody I’d rather hang with, and my new motto is ‘If you can’t beat you, join you.’ And that’s what I’ve done. Next weekend I have a date at the Casino with myself. Slot machine for one, please.


(I will be wearing these like a fucker the whole time I’m sittin at my slot. What date would let me do that? Me. That’s who).

Poo Brains Diamonds

Why do our brains have to look like spaghetti? Why oh why can’t they look like diamonds or something a little more love-worthy? It’s just like poo, like, why couldn’t we poop out diamonds that smell like perfume? WHY why why why why? I want poo brains diamonds perfume. Is it to remind us that we’re earthy? To ground us? Then fine, I’m grounded, jeez. I can’t get away from the poo. Like, should I just die now and be romantic that way?

Enough with this “naughty or nice” bullshit. Yeah, way to teach a child unconditional love you conditional fuck. Well know what, parents? Santa ain’t gonna be around much longer if you keep dishing that bullshit. Kids are being born smarter and wiser every day and pretty soon they’re gonna start asking why Santa will only come when they’re good and then they aren’t gonna give a fuck about Santa anymore. They’re going to reject Santa. They’ll call you out, Parents. They’ll call you and your behavior control mechanisms out and then your behavior control mechanisms won’t work any more.

"Who's This Idiot?"

A phrase that replays in my head hundreds of times a day as I am driving down the highway and having to swerve around idiots who drive slower than the speed limit for god knows what the fuck reason. I always have to check them out while I drive by them before speeding off. I have to. I HAVE to see who the idiot is.

PB&J

Still listening to the 3 good songs on the Peter Bjorn & John CD. Haven’t out-listened em yet.

I'm Smokin the Branches Tonight (again)

I'm smmmmmmokin the branches tonighhhhh.

Before (serious): Someone: 'Smoking the branches gives you a headache. Don't smoke those.'
Before (serious): Me: Oh. I won't smoke those then.
Now (desperate): I'm smokin the branches tonighhhhh.

Low Speed Internet

I’ve got a low speed internet connection. Got low speed internet hooked up at my place. That’s why I never get anything the fuck done. Just so you know.

Where You Are In His Top Friends

shows a lot about what kind of relationship you and your boyfriend have. If you are in any of these spots in his top friends, congratulations, you are:

First spot: pussywhipping your boyfriend every moment of every day. Congratulations, this guy is your slave.
Second spot: You will never be his number one. You only take second place to all other things.
Third spot: this guy is making it obvious that you really aren't that important in his life.
Fourth spot: not bad, not bad. At least you made it to the top row.
Fifth-20th: you're on the roster! You are one of his girlfriends. Good for you!

Note: If you did not make it into his top friends, don't fret. He may be keeping you a secret, and sometimes that's a good thing.

Yeah, yeah

Oh, okay Mr. CSI man, you can really tell that a fleck on that guy’s shirt is dried cream corn just by glancing at it. Sure, sure. You have a fat chin.

Please Stop Using the Word Cunt

Please stop using that word. If everyone continues to use the word cunt at the rate they are, it will lose all its power and then I won't have anything to call people I hate when I'm raging out. Please don't let the cunt fade away. Use cunt sparingly. Cunt is like antibiotics. Not all bugs need drugs. When dealing with the precious word cunt, one must be precise about who they are dealing it to. The party receiving cunt must be completely deserving of cunt, it can't just be the asshole who cunt you off in the turning lane. There is currently no heir to the word cunt, nothing that even compares to the raunchy dankness of this cunnting word. Keep cunt alive and keep it in power. Don't be greedy with cunt. Use it only when you need it. You'll know when the time is right.

Ghost Car Police

seem waaaay cooler than regular police. The police in police cruisers seem like loser try-hards compared to the ones in ghost cars. The ones in ghost cars, I would be way more likely to fuck. If I were trying to get out of being pulled over for speeding or something. Hopefully a ghost car does it next time that happens.

Wake-Up Music

If you like a song just a little too much, you should make it the song you wake up to in the morning. Then you won’t like it too much. You’ll fucking hate it. It’s a guarantee.
Or you could just use a recording of that bearded guy from the oxy clean commercial saying “People everywhere are discovering the stain fighting power of oxy clean.” And if you did that, you’d probably start killing people or fuck off to another dimension.

Septic

I love septic. It gives you photos a classy glow.

Fuckvember

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckvember. It's already Fuckvember. I can't believe this. I got nothing done this year that I wanted to. Now it's panic time. Cause pretty soon it's gonna be Fucksmas and everyone's gonna be wondering what I've been doing aaaaaaalllllll year. Fuck. Fuckvember's actually a good month though. It's a time when lots of Scorpios were born and we all love those. And it's also a time when we often get a chance to do a lot of sittin around which is also good. The leaves are red and yellow and poo color and it's Fuckvember and it's the time for falling in love.

Stick a Rice Cake on It

A good way to stop bleeding from a minor cut or wound is to stick a rice cake on it. It’s actually better than a band aid because it absorbs more and doesn’t hurt when you take it off, it just gets crumbly. Make sure the rice cake is not salted.

My Smart Phone

Here are some dumb words my phone comes up with when I am trying to text “home” or “good” on automatic writing.

good
home
gone
hood
hoof
hone
goof
imme
inne
hond
inof
gooe

Cute, Phone... cute.

Party Hats

Party Hat: (definition) : dunce cap. That's why you feel dumb wearing them. Don't be fooled. The joke's on you, dumbass.

A Question I Hate

You know what question I hate? “Would you like to revert to the saved copy of this version?” What the hell does that mean? Any time that thing pops up (which is every time I open a word document I have saved, which is a lot), I am hee-ing and haw-ing and uh-duh-duh-duh I-don’t-know-what-to-do-ing. And so 50 percent of the time I pick 'yes' and 50 percent of the time I pick 'no', and 100 percent of the time it does absolutely nothing. What the fuck?

Halloween Peanut-Free Boxes

I’m not so sure how I feel about those. I don’t really like them. Kit-Kats, Coffee crips, Smarties and Aero. They suck. Coffee crisp is ok but those are always the first to go. Aero’s always last because nobody wants an aero unless they’re trying to lose weight. I feel sorry for all the people who can only eat out of peanut free Halloween boxes because they’re missing out in life in ways they could never imagine. Those peanut free boxes are a bit pretentious too, I feel like. They remind me of waif alien-boy supermodels of today, where the boxes with snickers and peanut butter cups and all that make me think of the 90s supermodel. Is there any comparison? And don’t kid yourself – Kit kat will make you as fat as an Oh Henry will, they’re not a nice lite snack. At least with Oh henry you feel full after, whereas Kit Kat makes you feel like such a good choice-maker and then you eat 10 of them.

Clothes Sleeper

Any body else out there sleep in their clothes, or is it just me? I don’t know why everyone feels it’s so important to put different clothes on before you go to bed. I can see maybe cause it’s more comfortable than sleeping in jeans, but c’mon it’s not worthy of a weird look when I come out of bed in the morning and am still dressed in the same clothes as last night. Who cares? On more than a handful of occasions I’ve slept in my clothes and then cared enough in the morning of what the peanut gallery on the other side of my bedroom door thought to actually change into my pajamas IN THE MORNING in order to look like I’d slept in them all night. And then of course you get the “how come your pajamas aren’t wrinkled?” questions and I just give up after that and admit to sleeping in my clothes and admit to being a BIG WEIRDO and stuff. You still sleep the same, believe it or not. In fact, your dreams are more adventurous because you subconsciously know you’re prepared to go on whatever journey your mind has set out for you, whereas when you’re dreaming in your pajamas – yeh—have fun in those.

Update: I forgot to mention that this usually happens when I'm drunk. Which is almost every night, cause I drink every night.

Flatulence Etiquette

Don’t you hate it when this happens? I’m sure we’ve all been in the situation where there are two of us standing in any public place, most likely where there is closed space and poor air circulation, like where I was last weekend, the bar. I was with a friend and we were in this smoldering club, the air already smelt like a sweat lodge where instead of using clean water they rung out someone’s B.O. saturated T-shirt sprinkled with a little asparagus-piss over the coals.

Anyways, we were ordering drinks at the bar, and despite the evaporated sweat that was clinging to my nasal ciia, my olfactory sensors detected a pong so raunch it could only be produced by one thing: flatulence. I don’t even wanna guess what the person had to eat that night, but let me tell you it wasn’t cotton candy and gum drops. This rank hit me so hard I was beginning to hope the bartender had emergency smelling salts in stock. It was so bad that I knew both my friend and I had smelled it, and as my nose was crinkled up like a little button, I just about said something – but then stopped myself.

What if she dealt it? Her potential embarrassment for the rest of the evening was not worth my acknowledgment of the farty air. But because of this courteous reasoning, I got myself into a rather pickle of sorts: What if she had not birthed these cosmic explosions of nauseous gas, and assumed that I had because I wasn’t saying anything??

So here I was, stuck between a fart and a hard place. What do you do in that situation? I liken it to going into a washroom where someone else has just shat, and then feeling like you have to take the blame after, even though you just go to pee pee but the person who goes in after will assume you’re the one who shat if the smell is still lingering. In the end, I didn’t mention the fart, and neither did she, and I also gave her the benefit of the doubt that the ugly smell did not come from her anus but that of one of the 100 or so more disgusting people in there. I assume she gave the same benefit to me.

Fucktober

Fucktober, Fucktober, Fucktober. I can't believe it's come to this. The summer is dead, the air is freezing fucking cold, and Fucktober is upon is. At least Fucktober brings with it Halloween. Even though we have to wait through the whole fucking month of Fucktober to ever see that holiday. Mostly, Fucktober brings apples like Fucktember, scarecrows, fumpkins, and lots of other creepy shit, which is why it is redeemable. But still fucking.

Ovals

What the hell is up with ovals? What's up with that shape? Are ovals really that important, do they show up in our lives really that much? Cause it was one of the first shapes I learned on my shape-sorter when I was a baby and we learned a hell of a lot about ovals in math 30 class and, why? Did I really need to know about ovals? At least trapezoids and parallelograms and all that shit is interesting and they have cool names. But ovals are pretty useless.

Tim Hortons

Make me some money for once, Tim Hortons. I eat at your restaurant andsupport you all the time, and you never do anything for me. You make mehalf cooked bagels that I eat anyway because I don’t want to go throughthe drive-thru again. So let me use your name without you getting madover it. Let me mention your company in my blog. I’m not even makingany money off this. In fact, I’m losing money because I’m sitting herethinking about this stuff when I could be working. Anyways, I supportyou. And I even still consider you a friend even though I get pissedabout the bagels. We’ve known each other for a long time and have lotsof good memories. And the good ones far outweigh the bad ones. Would ithelp if I baked you something? Would you take a box of donuts if Ifried them for you? Oh what, you’d be insulted by that? Why, causeyou’re the only one who can make donuts? Grow up, Tim Hortons. BecauseI’d like to do that. Let’s call a truce, and let’s just help each otherout and not worry about our futures and insecurities.

UPDATE: Ha ha I just went vegan Tim Hortons. So you and your buttered bageled egg salad sandwich can go fuck yourself.

Upside-Down Welcome Mats

What is that supposed to mean? Being ever so self conscious I would automatically think it means I am the opposite of welcome, which is not welcome. It's kind of like tarot cards, where if the card is upside down it means the opposite of what the normal meaning of the card is. But with doormats, it might be different. The message as a whole might still be that of "welcome." But maybe the message is not for me. Maybe the message is for those departing the house. It's "welcome to outside." If you own a home and you have a door mat, just make sure you are aware of how your door mat is placed and what guests may interpret it as. Because it may save a lot of paranoia and awkwardness.

What The Hell: Spokey-Dokes

I can't wait till spokey-dokes come back in style. They made the best sound. I'd like some for my purse, so that they make the spokey-doke sound when I'm dancing on the dance floor with my big purse.

Fuckhoo News: How to See the Solar Eclipse

1. Go outside.
2. Look up at the sky.
3. Stare right at the eclipse without any sunglasses or protective eyewear. Try to last the entire duration of the eclipse.

Now the eclipse will forever be burned into your mind. It will definitely be a memorable event if you follow these instructions of how to watch the solar eclipse.

Fuckhoo News Dating Tips: 4 Signs of a Good Date

1. You go to his basement for a movie. The date is going good if you have your first date in his basement watching DVDs while you chit chat. It's better than being in a theatre because you can talk.

2. He pays for everything and takes you on a yacht! It's smooth sailing if he takes you on a yacht your first date. If he takes you on a yacht it means 2 things: you will have fun, and he's loaded. And you're gonna be loaded soon too, because he's got the yacht full of expensive wine and he doesn't give a fuck if you drink 3 bottles of it, because he's got lots of money. He thinks it's funny.

3. You're good in bed. It's a great first date if you give him mind blowing sex, because guys don't get that very often. Don't worry about him not calling /respecting you and all that bullshit. He will. Here (throws book at you called "Sex Tips For Straight Women From a Gay Man"). If you apply the principles in this book you will have him wrapped around your proverbial dick and you will be in control of the relationship. If he can't bear the thought of not having sex with you, then it means you probably had mind blowing sex and that's a good date.

4. You get pregnant. It's a great first date if you end up with child. Time to start the wedding planning!

Fuckhoo News: How To Judge a Dood By His Food

Fuckhoo News has some great ways to judge the men you're dating. We especially love judging men by what they eat. Here are a few ways to judge your guy. He orders:

Steak: Oh yummy, meat burps later, or better yet, post sex. Well, whatever, as long as he flosses his teeth. And as long as he doesn't leave the flossed bits in the sink and on the mirror like my last boyfriend.

Fish: He likes to eat pussy.

Pasta: He's gonna get fat 10 years into your marriage.

Dumplings: This guy is fat.

Dessert: Gay. Then straignt. Then gay again. Then straight. Then gay.

Alcohol: Perfect, an alcoholic, just like me. Sex will be drunken and great later.

Salad: Not bad, not bad. Watchin the weight, I like that.

Nothing: Better yet. I love a guy who doesn't eat.

Fuckhoo News: Why Height Matters So Much

In today's Yahoo News they talked about why height matters in dating and how we should stop being superficial and instead try and find ways to cope with mens' shortness. It offered tips to men to make themselves appear taller, including:

-wearing thicker soles
-standing straighter
-standing next to short people

Because tall women were given no advice by Yahoo news on how to appear shorter, Fuchoo News has some tips:

-cut off your legs

Yahoo News also painted short men in a nice light. It let us all know that short men work harder. This is also known as Short Man Syndrome aka overcompensation.

Fart O'clock

It's fart o'clock in the morning right now. It's witching hour!

fff jjj

fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj fff jjj

Annoying Man Calling

When an annoying man calls your house and he’s called more than once and he wants to talk to your dad who isn’t home, yell as loud as you can "MOM!! IT’S THAT DUMB MAN AGAIN!" He probably won’t call back after that.

I Am Not Successful

I just want to make it clear to anyone who might be reading this that I am not successful, I repeat, I am not successful. I don’t have a real job and most of my friends are spam or people I don’t know. I think I might be a loser, actually.

Bus Love

I’m sure everyone’s familiar with bus love. Bus love transcends all boundaries of the bus. Whether it’s soft bus seats or seats that you can’t write on with a pen, bus love is still there, even when someone pulls out vincenzo's sandwich. Even if the bus is stuffed full of 500 people and bus love is challenged physically, there will still be hand on leg or small of back. That’s how bus love works. It’s always loving.

Go Fuck Yourself

Just kidding.

Not Without My Rose

fine, but only if my rose can come too!

The Other Kind of Party Cracker

is the edible cracker that gets less salty the more pretentious the party. If you have an unsalted bland party cracker that tastes like ass wafer, you’re probably at a dirty shoe party.

Living out of a Car

Blah blah blah we all lived out of a car at one point.

Mad Money

I've seen about 50 ads for the Queen Latifah movie already, and I get it that they're trying to get us to be like "Oh - maybe I'll go see that movie when it opens this weekend." But I also have this built in filter in my head, called a mind, that tells me, every time I see an ad for Mad Money, "That looks like a bad movie. I will not go to that movie."

Avoiding the Neighbors

If I am coming home and I see neighbors in their driveway, I will purposely drive past to avoid the awkwardness of having to make small talk. I would much rather drive around the block one more time than live through this awkward encounter. I'm an avoidant person. I don't imagine the neighbors are offended - they are probably glad.

Library Books Overdue

I got a new library card last week, and low and behold, the books I took out are due today and they're still here, beside me. And I didn't read one, they just sat right there, all week. Brand new card and a late charge already.

Dust

I've got a lot of dust in my house. I like it though. Sometimes I purposely don't dust my house because I want to leave the dust bunnies some food. What else would they eat? They don't eat carrots, I tried that. I left a carrot under my bed for them once and I could tell they tried to eat it, because it got fuzzy and smaller. I like to leave food for them in places that allow them to get some exercise. That's why I don't dust my top shelves or my pictures hanging on the wall. I know that the dust bunnies are grateful because they get bigger and come out of their hiding places.

Fuck Me

Fuck Me! What the hell? I HAD been spelling WEIRD right all along! I checked it out in the dictionary. Fuck that "i before e except after c" crap. Who the fuck created that rule?

Vagina Diagrams

What's with all the uterine and vag diagrams I see on TV? I'm so sick of seeing diagrams of uteruses and vaginas on TV. Please take them off. When you put that one uterus on TV it's like you're putting all our uteruses on TV.

Colbie Callait

I like that Colbie Colbert girl. She's got all those songs in all those commercials for sweaters and banking. Every time I hear one of those songs, I want to put on a sweater and go to the bank. This is troublesome, because I got no sweaters, so I gotta go to the bank first, to get money to buy the sweater. But it's cold outside, and I got no sweater to put on. Then, I forget what I was thinking about doing, and why, and I'm confused. And then another one of her commercials comes on and I remember, and I'm back to square one.

English Brat Shows

What the hell's with those english Brat Camp shows and their parents? They're always so washed out looking. I mean I get it, your kid caused you hell for the last 16 years, but there are other things to your life than your children. Or at least put some makeup on.

Arrested Development Actors

I feel sorry for all those Arrested Development actors who are getting famous for being on that show. Now that everybody's caught up, the public appreciates these actors and producers want to cast them. If I was one of these actors, I would be very angry, because I would have jumped off a bridge by now.

Man Band

I wish I was a man, because then I'd form a man-band. It would have five lead singers, and some baggy clothes, and some tight clothes, and we'd switch it up between baggy clothes, and tight clothes; baggy clothes, tight clothes; baggy clothes; tight clothes.

Music Moguls

The G-Unit music moguls are just trying to survive. We've got to understand, they're just trying to get by. Maybe they can only eat mansions and wear Bentleys. We wouldn't want them to starve to death and not have clothes. We should support them by purchasing their CDs and then listening to one song a whole bunch of times, and then never listening to the CD again.

I'm Pregnant

Ooooooh look at me. I had sex 9 months ago. My husband banged me like a drum without a condom on. We had sex without a condom. We did it bareback. Look at me I had bareback sex. I had a man inside me.

3 Muskateers

Who eats those motherfuckers?

Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle is the King of comedy because he broke his own record of performing stand up comedy for 6 straight hours. I would like to break that record by doing one really really good second of stand up comedy. The one second stand up comedy routine. They could call me the Joker of stand up comedy, I wouldn’t mind carrying that title because the Joker is a lot smarter. He flies under the radar and doesn’t play in too many games. He doesn’t get himself too involved, and then just when you’ve forgotten about him he shows up for the games he’s not invited to. He does this on purpose because he's a joker. You are the fool, not him. The next time you play Crazy 8’s and the Joker’s face pops up, know that his smile is one of ridicule and mockery towards you.

Neighbors

I was hoping the new neighbors across the way were hot, nice boys. Then their bedroom curtains were open tonight and I saw one or two flashing lights coming from it. Now I'm thinking it's old people who are taking pictures at night. Why does my mind automatically go there?

Convenience Stores

The other day I was in a convenience store trying to take out money from an ATM. It told me I only had $0.60 in my bank account and would not give me the $0.60 because it does not carry that denomination, which is too bad because I would have bought 12 small candies. I love convenience stores. You can always find something you can afford in the convenience store unless you have 4 pennies. Some convenient stores are very nice, and they have a "Take-a-penny, Leave-a-penny" policy. In these convenient stores, if you have only 4 pennies, you can take a penny and afford a 5 cent candy. But you got to remember to fulfill your other half of the bargain at some other time in your life. You've got to leave a penny somewhere else, in one of those containers, although it doesn't matter where the penny comes from. If you use a penny you find on the ground, it might mean extra-lucky.