Klepto's Guide to Ethical Shoplifting: Excerpt from Chapter 2

Being that it's almost the end of 2011 and that time of year when it's nearly impossible not to shoplift, I read my own book, Klepto's Guide to Ethical Shoplifting, that I published a couple years ago. Not so much because I was feeling tempted to shoplift; but more because it's inspiring to remember the things I can do to satisfy my cravings in fun and festive ways. I'd like to share these ways with other kleptos in the hopes you can make your holiday season fun and arrest free.

Here's an excerpt from Chapter 2: Don't take things People Need:

"Once you can gauge what people might need in order to run their business, you can get a better idea of what to slip in your purse. Contrary to popular belief and media distortions about kleptomaniacs, we often experience shoplifter's remorse. I've had many a guilty night scouring piles of things I stole but didn't even want. As a kelpto, how often have you wished you could go back and exchange your steals?

When you take things people don't need, you eliminate a lot of the guilt associated with being a klepto, and in doing so you often find a place for the things you do steal because you're more accepting of them and klepto less often.

You can refer to Appendix A for a "Do they need it?" checklist that might help you decipher if the person/business you're stealing from is in need of the item you're about to steal.

Is it a costly item?
Are there lots of the item around you?
Will the item be noticed if it goes missing?
Is the item big?
Is the item small?
Is the person/company you're stealing from going to lose money if you take the item?

These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself before performing an ethical shoplift. There are different degrees of ethicality as well so sometimes it will be your own judgement call. 

Restaurants and Bars
Eating establishments are great places to be klepto. In fact, I avoid stores altogether and do most of my stealing at non-retail establishments. Knives, forks, cups, salt shakers, menus, candles, griddles, the list goes on. I have a fully stocked kitchen with various items I've stolen throughout the years. What most people don't know about restaurants is that they budget for the loss of items such as these. They know glasses break and forks accidentally get discarded in the trash. I justify my steals at restaurants by telling myself the glass is going to break anyway, I am saving the glass.

Bars are equally rich with opportunity. Aside from shot glasses and cliche steals such as that, bars often stock walls and shelves full of trinkets and junk that would appeal to no one but a klepto. I have my own library of stolen books from the volumes of hardcover collections that were nothing but a space filler at the establishments I took them from. I justify my home library by telling myself my acts were ethical, the books were a fire hazard, and nobody would have ever read them if I hadn't taken them. Bars do not need books and items, they are there as mere space fillers and will probably go to the landfill when the bar goes bankrupt in a couple of months.

Tis the season to be klepto at a restaurant or bar. If you enjoy Christmas decorations, most places will put out wreaths, garland, bows, lights and cheap decorative ornament balls for the taking. If you're into being klepto for christmas decorations exclusively, then bars and restaruants, along with hotels, are the perfect places ."

...

Hope you enjoyed this excerpt from Chapter 2 of Klepto's Guide to Ethical Shoplifting. The full version is available on Amazon and at limited bookstores. If you are thinking about stealing this book off the shelf, I have mixed feelings about it, which are included in the Preface of the book.

Margaret

Felicia

Red Face Man

Red Face Man <----- Click to listen to Red Face Man song

I wore a rad pair of Barbie shoes today while the owner was in gym class

Cleaning out my iphone, found some slutty pics

Got my son to take this for me.



Managed to get out to the club for an evening. I stayed way past midnight so I had to pay the babysitter double time. Was worth it though.

Knife Calling

Ok, knives. Ok. You want to come out, I get it.

Sleeping Beauty Alternate Beginning Pt 2

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Sleeping Beauty Alternate Beginning Pt 1

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Writing 2's Like a Man

This is how you write 2's like a man:

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Hey, Tampon Girl

I know about 1000 men who would buy tampons for you without hesitation. They're all on myspace, 50 or older, overweight, and wearing a thin white t-shirt and cheap deodorant. Most of them are in my Friends list and would drool at the opportunity to touch the outer surface of something that will be going up your vagina.

ANA Confession 28556)

I think about what a delicacy I would be for cannibals or any other animal that eats flesh. Any predator would go for me out of a pack of humans, I'd be the most enjoyable and provide the most stored energy until their next meal. Animals or cannibals eating other humans caught (if there were any) would move over to my body like hyenas, cause I'd taste better cause I'm fattier. I picture them devouring my fatty legs and my thighs, they'd be all crowded in those areas. If I were sold at the deli my meat would be worth more, because it's the fattiest cut. It would sizzle on the barbecue the most, and cannibals would rave about it the most after because it tastes the best and melts in your mouth. I would clog their arteries the most with my fat and my ass would be like crispy bacon, what everyone wants at brunch. I deserve to get eaten with a body like this.

Me and the Slugs

It's so weird writing for other people. There's some feeling I feel that I just don't expect other people to feel, and that I shouldn't expect myself to be able to get across. Like, last week I took a walk. I had routed the walk, it was a walk I wanted to take, a loop. It was a 2 hr loop in my area, down a mountain, then around the residential bottom, then back up the residential mountain, then down a busy street to the beginning where I started. I routed the loop early, drove it many times with the kids, over and over, depending on if the song in the car was good or not. If the song was a good song when I got to the end of it I'd start the loop again and if it wasn't a good song I'd go do what I was supposed to be doing. Rain or sun, bad songs or good songs, I drove that loop many times. And I got excited about walking it, wondered how long it would take me, if it was possible, if it would kill my feet, if I'd have to worry about people I know seeing me walk it.



Before I walked it, I tried two times, on two consecutive days. The first day I parked my car in the spot I wanted to start it and then I realized I didn't have any power in my phone for my ipod, or any songs I wanted on it. And I had to piss. So I drove home, which I was very disappointed about because it was such a sunny, good day to do it on. The next day I had made an extra effort to get the right shoes and the right clothes and to have music on my ipod that I wanted, then I got to the same spot and realized I didn't have earphones. So again home I went.



The third day, it was cloudy, drizzly all day. But in the direction I wanted to walk it was clearing up. So I took a chance and did the walk. I started on a mountain ruggedy path, deserted but for me and the power lines and the huge black slugs I noticed. I must have seen about 20 or 30 huge black slugs on the dirt. But I was distracted by the fact that I had to piss really bad. I thought about turning around, but figured maybe I could hold it. When I got to the bottom of the hill, without having turned around, and being in a residential area now, I thought about where I might piss this bladder out. I thought about going up to a house, asking to use the can. Seeing what doors to other realities would open, who I would meet. How I would affect their realities by knocking on their door. I'm not much one to be that bold with immediate reality though. I prefer to do something at my own pace and then write about it later.









So I found some bushes in a bushy back path to piss in, did a good job, didn't get it on my shoes, noticed the spit looking globs from whatever insects do that on leaves and wondered if I'd gotten any of that on my crack during my squat. But overall was proud of myself for everything dodged, literally, any neighbours in their tall houses who I'm sure peep out of their windows knowing that people go along those bushed paths to piss and do whatever the empty wrappers say they do.



Then I continued along, passing a few people, passing a jogger, passing some people going into their tall middle class boxes with 24s of beer. I passed a vacant lot and a bus stop with a woman who watched me and another woman with a baby in a stroller whose baby covered her eyes to me. I did a bunch of stuff on the walk, got out of breath, got hot, listened to a podcast I'd recorded that day. Passed 3 teenage girls who were as aware of me as I was of them.



Then I ascended back up the mountain, at the other side of the loop. Excited about this part, I liked this part in the car when I had done it a ton of times. It was harder than I thought, steeper, Blah blah. I thought about going into a path that went into the woods instead, blah blah.



Anyways, after 1 hour 45 minutes I made it to my fucking car. And I don't know how else to explain what happened on that walk other than that it was a defining moment because everything that happened before that walk and everything that happened after that walk and everything that happened during that walk will forever be relative to that walk in my mind. And I don't know how else to explain it to an audience who is always listening in my mind and who I owe nothing to but who I'm writing this to.

Just kidding, assholes

Here's Sunburn Girl, tho. She gets off on people rubbing her sunburn.

Rene Denise: Oven Preheat

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Got Stoned by myself and went to Garden Works

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Rene Denise: Gas Station

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I don't want to lose my virginity to the Patio Man

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I'm almost 30 and still a virgin. I've always been not so much a prude and not afraid of sex but I've sort of been secretly saving myself for love the way virgins do. I just can't bear to have unmeaningful sex, especially for my first time. The problem is that I haven't found love, or even someone I want to share that with. And I don't know if I ever will. The older I get the more anxious I am to lose my virginity, for every reason in the world. The boat's long gone. Nobody's a virgin anymore except me. My 14 year old niece is even maybe not a virgin anymore. She has a boyfriend she's been seeing for over a year and I'm like, how can she be a virgin still? They say they are but how would you not be experimenting at that viable age, especially with someone you trust? So my niece might not be a virgin and I am. But that's not all. It's not just that I feel pathetic.

I'm also starting to feel resentful, that I didn't have fun in my 20s like everyone else, because I was waiting for an ideal that doesn't exist. I passed up a lot of opportunities. Some with guys I sort of liked but who were sleazy. But who knows where it could have gone. You know those players who are SO into you, then you say NO to them and then the next girl they get with they stay with forever? So I feel like, just fuck it, I'll fuck whoever comes along who I'm sexually attracted to. That at least happens once in a while.

So there's patio repairs going on at my building right now. They've been going on for 2 months. It's been annoying. They start at 8am every weekday and if I'm ever not working I can't sleep in because their hammering begins at 8am sharp. I've also been annoyed as hell because on the days that I work, several times, I've had run-ins with the patio men as they're "getting supplies" from the technical room in my parking garage. Many times, as I've gone down to my car, I've seen the technical room open and lit up, and then a guy or two comes out, and they always notice me leaving in my car. I try to avoid people for the most part so it's been extra annoying for me. I don't mind the occasional neighbor here or there, but the same patio guy seeing me every day started to weird me out, especially since I'm single, being a virgin and all, and I live alone and their scaffolding scales the outside of the building. Who's to say he's not someone who'd slip in through my patio door late at night and sexually assault me, rape my virginity away. I mean that's extreme, and I've never really explored that shadow of my paranoia til now. But it's a possibility. Or, I'm mean I'm sure he wants to do that. He wants to fuck me. I can tell when a guy wants to fuck me. Most men do. This guy it was obvious because he's always "coming down" at the same time in the morning when I'm walking out to my car. And he always looks to be dicking around and paying attention to me, not really into the patio gathering.

One time I even considered parking my car on the street, just to not have to see him the friday morning. See him come out for "patio wood." I knew there was a 90 percent chance he'd be there and I couldn't bear one more awkward run-in and me getting annoyed at another fucker wanting to fuck me.

He didn't end up being there that day, what a relief. I think it might have been raining too hard or something. And then it was the weekend and I didn't see him or his patio partner for a couple days. Then one monday or tuesday morning, I was walking to my car on my way to work, through the parking garage, and I heard voices out of nowhere. Then patio man was right in front of me, with his patio partner. They were laughing jovially about something, and patio man said something like "How bout them Canucks eh?" (the Canucks have been doing really well in hockey this season and there had been a game they won the night before). But I thought he said "this rain sucks eh?" and so I was like "yeah it sucks." So he thought I was anti Canuck. And he and patio friend were like "oohhhhhhh not a fan" and all impressed I'd one-up'd them. So I was like " I didn't watch it" which was true. So they got even more impressed/intrigued, and that's when the tables turned for Patio Man.

They went off laughing, and me kinda amused at the horribly awkward encounter, and I went to my car and shook the social confrontation off, drove to work, forgot about it, etc. One thing about patio man though, close up he's kind of like a Mike Rowe, who I find hot when he's in a hat, even though he's gross. Or even sort of a Hugh Laurie with patio clothes on. He's hot. He's like one of those hot dads except single. I'm assuming, with how much he loves me. So then the other day, I was driving home at an odd time because I got off work early, went around the front way to my building (not the way I usually go), not thinking about patio men at all because I never come home at that time (they're ALWAYS gone when I come home from work - only encounters have been in morning). And I drive by patio man working out front! And he sees me! Or so I thought he might have seen me. What made me sure he'd seen me was that I drove into my parking garage, here I am all parked and ready to go up when, low and behold, who comes down "for wood." Patio Man. And I kinda didn't mind this time. I ignored him as usual but as I went up to my apartment, I thought about how hot it would be to invite him up. Fuck him in the middle of the day when he's supposed to be fixing patios, have a full on love affair with him for the remainder of his patio repairs. And he was a hot older guy too, which this virgin has come to want to pop her cherry more than a young guy. It's like more extreme if I get my cherry popped by a hot older guy, like a May-December. And it's not like he'd say no. So it was completely up to me, I could make that happen if I wanted. I could lose my virginity to this guy.

BUT. I don't want to lose my virginity to a patio man. I just can't do it. I've messed around with guys before, it's been fun but they've always proven to be losers and I'm glad my virginity is intact after. My virginity is hanging on to my ideals. I want this to be love, and I can't fall in love with a patio man. That's sad. And not to mention, I'm pretty sure it was my virgo common sense that was so turned off by him in the beginning. And also, it's my virgo criticism that's like, "ew he'd stink, having worked half the day doing manual labor. I don't want him in my bed." Stuff like that. AND, this is the worst thing and embarrassing for him, but they use a fucking port-a-potty that's on my building's front lawn that's been here since they started. Eww. I drive past it and I'm like "Patio Man shits in there every day." Yuck yuck yuck. I don't wanna think about that. Patio man shits on my front lawn. Noooo. And if we had the love affair he'd be so glad to be able to use a real restroom (ie mine) that he'd shit in there after a lunch session, a bunch of fucking then a crap. No no no. OR he'd be too embarrassed to shit in my apartment and go down to the port-a-potty right after leaving my apartment. I know I'm a judgmental bitch and that's probably why I'm a virgin. I don't deserve that body pleasure because I reject every other bodily act. Ick. Anyways, can't fuck the patio man for now. I figure if fate will have it, we'll have another run-in and see what happens. See if I'm more attracted to him. If I like him enough I won't mind about the shits. I'll be able to overlook that. But he's a patio fixer. And kinda sad. Plus I always look like shit in the morning, I've always just rolled out of bed. I don't care how I look for work. So that's a turn-off, that he likes me even though I look like shit. Shows how desperate he is. "Oh a female - look a female! I'm a dog in heat."

PLUS, I always pictured it to be way more significant than this. If I fucked the patio man for a couple weeks, not even knowing that much about whether I even like sex or not (although I'm pretty sure I would, given my libido these days), that would be sad too. It's weird because the longer I go being a virgin, the less it means and the more it means. DILEMMA

My Daughter Called Me a Slut Today

Yeah, she did. Not so much in a confronting way, but in a passive, much more smug innuendo. Bitch. I never thought I'd be calling my 16 year old a bitch. It was just so hurtful, and she knows it was hurtful and she backed out the driveway in her boyfriend's car, doing up her little seatbelt like a good little stuck up snob and kinda glanced up at me with those same eyes she used to when she'd done something wrong but then when she saw me see her changed her gaze to indifferent. I'm sorry. I'm always venting about my daughter on here.

They were going out to some sports dinner thing, but she and Tom her boyfriend were at our place beforehand, I made them appies. They wanted alcohol but I wouldn't let them. So that's when she got bitchy. And started taking little jabs. "You have wine all the time before you go out." Like, what is she suggesting? That I'm a loose floozy? I don't even know what to say to her in return, it's weird because she has this amazing ability to make anything I say in my defense sound stupid just by the way she sits there. And I know she tells Tom everything about me. He's a nice young guy, he's 2 years older and is in school studying business. But fuck. They go out and do settled couples shit like go to movies and then she gets mad when I don't let her drink my liquor? Jesus, it's cause I need it. Plus they're under age. Plus he comes from money. Which is annoying too, because I know his folks aren't crazy partier drinkers who buy them booze, but ok, it's okay to ask for your broke mother's booze when all she's got is half a bottle before a date with a guy she kinda gets nervous for. That's why, honestly. I'd let her have the wine but I had banked that wine for before the date. It was zinfendel for fuck's sakes, god the fact that I'm being called a slut for 2 glasses of zinfendel is beyond pathetic.

So before they went she was like "Are you coming home tonight?" She knew I was going on a date, gave me a look like I get all drunk and fucked on every date I go on. I always come home. I said "Of course I'm coming home, why?" I really like this guy, I wasn't gonna blow him or do anything beyond a kiss. I didn't even want to do that. Of course we did, but he was completely respectful, something Case would never fathom her mother could ever attract.

The worst part is that she's a fucking little slut with Tom. She probably wanted me to go get fucked so she could get fucked in my house. Little slut probably fucks in my house more than I do. I don't let them fuck in the house but I've found condom remnants and birth control cardboard, little sexually responsible brat. Went and got the pill behind my back, not because I'd oppose that but just to not tell me. Just so I'd find them and be hurt she doesn't disclose that with me. So the little slut is having more sex than I am. I have sex average 1 or 2 times a month (albiet with different men every time) and she probably has it 1 or 2 times a day. So who's the real slut? I hope she gets pregnant. I don't really mean that but maybe I do. Maybe a motherhood scare would wipe that smug little discernment off her face.

16 year old daughters are the worst. Only thing that comes close was when she was 9, whole other story of the way she acted when I lost my job and she got head lice. That changed her forever. She still hates me that she caught lice. (?? I know).

MAKE YOUR OWN BRA

Tampon People...

getting us to do all their advertising for them for free. Because you can't wear a tampon on the outside.









They also could have made the girl under "Own It" look a little less like Justin Bieber. I just assumed it was him out of my peripheral. Maybe they did it on purpose, who knows. All those little bieber lovers getting their first periods.

I battled my klepto last night and won

I wanted to steal this so bad. But then my conscience came along and thought about all the girls who would have dry asses for me doing a good deed and leaving it in there. I don't know why I always want to steal big ones. With toilet paper it goes back a long way with me. It's not about really needing it so much (even though at times I definitely have), as it is wanting to shove a giant role of toilet paper in my purse and carry it out. And laugh to myself about that. That I have a 2 lb roll of butt paper in my purse that I'm carrying around and smiling at guys and the idiots who work there about. Hmm.

But I don't like stealing little ones anymore, I've noticed. I only get a strong impulse when it's something bigger than a regular sized standard tp roll. Twice as big. For a klepto reaction. I guess because I like the exaggeration of it. Well, that's what it's come to, anyway, with my klepto.

Anyways, I guess that's a good thing I'm not stealing big ones anymore either. Actually sometimes it gets annoying, like the next day when I forget it's in there and accidentally take it to the mall with me. But it's also come in deathly handy too.

The interesting thing to me is that with the little ones I just kinda lost interest in them but the big ones I have to fight sometimes to deny the impulse. I get all moral. Yuck. Like, I also think it's funny that a ton of chicks have lip drip because of me. I'd forgive whoever took the giant roll. I get it. I get other kleptos. That's why I could never own a store. I just wouldn't care. I'd want to steal my own stuff.

Oh and some girl asked me for tp from under the stall beside me, so I told her I didn't have any either, even though had a giant roll.

I guess it's weird because I published Ethical Shoplifting a couple years ago and didn't think about all the moral ramifications of stealing a tp roll from a bathroom stall. Like, that's a lot more immoral than stealing a dress from a store that nobody will ever really miss. I'm really rethinking the right/wrong thing these days I'm not sure I didn't have it backwards.

Rene Denise: Garage Sales

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American Apparel's 12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over conformity - that our lives had become aimlessly ironic.

2. Came to believe that a corporate Power greater than individuality could restore our sense of self.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of American Apparel as we saw it in all the ads.

4. Made a numbing and pointless inventory of our demoralized selves.

5. Surrendered to American Apparel, to our stupid selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our stupidity.

6. Were entirely ready to have American Apparel amplify these defects of character.

7. Narcissisticly asked American Apparel to reflect our narcissism.

8. Made a list of all persons we had blindly bought into, and became willing to kiss asses with them.

9. Made desperate imitations of such people wherever possible, except when to do so would cause them to be more attracting of attention than ourselves.

10. Continued to take personal shopping trips and when we were broke promptly called mom.

11. Sought through spending and randomizing our wardrobes to improve our desperate contact with American Apparel as we wore It, spending only for validation of its acceptance of us and the retardery to carry that out in public.

12. Having had a cultlike brainwashing as a result of these steps, we tried to send this message to conformists, and to infiltrate the world of art, literature, music, style, comedy, everything, the world, ever to remind us to place our veneration of American Apparel before everything else.

Knives for a Week

Well since I'm such a chicken about doing suit-for-a-week now, 2 years after wanting to, 20 Moores 2-for-1 sales later, I think a good way to work up to that would be to take my knives with me everywhere I go for a week. They'll still be in the bag, safe. But, I'd like to alter my reality that way, bring the knives, see what happens. Bag O'Knives.

My knives rode shotgun tonite

I took my knives out with me. I put them in an old gym bag and carried them down through my parking garage into my car. Then I put them on the front passenger seat and drove them around. We went to a couple places but I left them in the car, I don't feel they're ready to go out into the public yet.

Not that I wouldn't conceal them. But they're just getting acclimated to the real world. They haven't really been out much, until now.


They're still confused as hell. I'm taking pictures at them through the window and they're stunned. But, it's like taking a baby out for the first time. They just don't have a choice. I keep thinking what if I got in a car accident, and they investigated my car and found a bag o knives. Then an even bigger investigation would open up as to why I have a bag o knives in my car, all the knives in my home (the sharp ones). It would be a cold case. I was 2 stores away from the cop shop when I took the photo, I didn't even realize.

Fiancee Proposed During Sex

I played "Should I take That?" today

ANA Confession 23225)

I have a 20 month old, and had a mild bout of post partum depression after she was born. Before that I suffered roller coaster ana for most of my young adult life. While I was pregnant I worked really hard to overcome the illness so as to not starve the baby, and thought I had overcome it for the first year after. But lately all I do is compare what I eat to what she eats. I can't allow myself to eat more than she does at meals. Actually it's worse - I find she overeats and I have to stop myself. I feel horrible about this because what mother eats less than their 1yr old baby on purpose? What mother competes with her baby about how much they eat? What will I be comparing next - her measurements? (which I have measured btw - I know her arm and thigh measurements and I hate myself that mine's almost twice as big). I even am sometimes tempted to try on her shirts but have been able to refrain but who knows.

Rene Denise: Graveyards

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Twister Survey

Rejection Letter

My next step is to pitch it to CTV.

DON'T take all your knives to bed with you

even if you're having a shitty night and you want them all there for the sympathy they bring and their potential for harm in a primrosey, knivey way.

Just kidding, I actually just brought them to bed as a joke. I felt they were more disrupted than I was, they were like a pack of wild animals being brought over to live on a domestic farm. They were confused as hell, poor things. But we had a good night, it reminded me of the time I had to sleep with a pitbull. I was a little concerned about having a face in the morning but I trusted. No crazy energy like with the crystals. And we stayed on our respective sides for the most part, no cuddling. Maybe one day though, Id like to think one day I'll cuddle my knives.

Well, I'm alive today

I slept with my knife again last night. Didn't use it on myself.

ANA Confession 27897)

I used to spell things with my alphagetti like "FAT"..."BITCH"..."FUCK YOU." My family thought it was funny. They'd give me vowels and noodles I didn't have to finish the phrases. What they didn't see was me glaring at the alphagetti in the toilet bowl when it came back up later, with some of the letters acid corroded and indecipherable and some letters still being left to spell things like G-U-N-T.

Hey, Drugmate

Hurry up. I've got a bag full of cactus powder I'm dying to roll into balls and a smaller baggie of cocaine from a sex house that I tasted on my gums and under my tongue the other night and it was horrible! And all it did was make my mouth numb. I could have tattooed you onto my frenulum with that numb. I've been sitting on this book for two years because I can't get past pg 13 because it makes me want to try LSD so bad. But I won't, I won't because I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for you to swipe my D card with.

I want to swallow cactus balls with you in the desert. I want to put acid in each others' anuses and live in a missile for a while like this chick and her drugmate did. I want us to snort cocaine out of both ends of a hundred dollar bill. I want us to share the same heroine needle. I want to inhale your exhaled puff of meth smoke. I want to use a pill cutter to cut all our percocets in half. I want to pick mushrooms in the forest with you and take them home and look them up on google to see if they're poisonous or not. I want to move into really shady territory like experimentation w bear tranquilizers and be validated by your wanting to do that too.

I want you to be my sitter and vise versa.

Classic Nursery Rhymes

The Big Day

DON'T take all your Crystals to bed with you

even if you're having a shitty night and you want the support of all your crystal friends.

Trolling KFC Tonight

even if no sluts are on.

Food Names

...so many food names

Luke - noodles, beef stroganoff
Keith - quiche, cheese quiche
Paul - nail polish
Kennedy - kidney beans
Chad - cheese cubes, cubed cheese, mice cheese
Curtis - phlegm
Sam/Samuel - cat food, Fancy Feast
Marcus - snot
Doug - donuts
Graham - graham crackers
Neil - fingernails

I feel like Alexander might trigger something but I'm not sure what yet. Something in the meat department.


Dillon- dill pickle
Rick - ribs, that smell when you cook them, smell up the house
Derrick - margarine or ice cream in a big 2 litre bucket that's starting to melt
Oliver/Olivia - olives

Steve - gravy
Jeff - ROAST BEEF
Dave - flank steak
Charles - cheese, those cheese nibs crackers
Scott - (this one's gross) bologne with that circle cheese in it, colorful bologne.
Corey - oreo cookies
Raymond - carrots (this is probably bc I knew a carrot top in elementary school named Raymond)

Melanie - grapefruit cut in half and eaten at breakfast time with a spoon. Does not remind me of a MELON. Reminds me of a GRAPEFRUIT cut in half, not a whole grapefruit.
Jerry - easy -- cherry
Lyle - lyme disease
Wes/Wesley - cooked weasel or rabbit
George - porridge, that's easy, like Georgie Porgie
Brent - french toast
Brett - hair barrettes
Craig - beer
Cory - also oreos, like Corey. But not as much. Just the black part, not the white part.

Dillon

- dill pickle

Rick - ribs, that smell when you cook them, smell up the house

Derrick - margarine or ice cream in a big 2 litre bucket that's starting to melt

Oliver/Olivia - olives

Steve - gravy
Jeff - ROAST BEEF
Dave - flank steak
Charles - cheese, those cheese nibs crackers
Scott - (this one's gross) bologne with that circle cheese in it, colorful bologne.
Corey - oreo cookies
Raymond - carrots (this is probably bc I knew a carrot top in elementary school named Raymond)

Melanie - grapefruit cut in half and eaten at breakfast time with a spoon. Does not remind me of a MELON. Reminds me of a GRAPEFRUIT cut in half, not a whole grapefruit.
Jerry - easy -- cherry
Lyle - lyme disease
Wes/Wesley - cooked weasel or rabbit
George - porridge, that's easy, like Georgie Porgie
Brent - french toast
Brett - hair barrettes
Craig - beer
Cory - also oreos, like Corey. But not as much. Just the black part, not the white part.

My Alter Ego at Work

I can't even buy my Daughter Lip Gloss

My 16 year old came shopping with me the other day. We'll go together once in a while, but to be honest I try to avoid taking her. It's weird because I know she'd rather go with her friends to the mall and stuff, but sometimes she wants to come with me like teens do because they know their moms will buy them stuff. It's that expectation they have.

And she does, that's reasonable. My mother used to buy me little things when I'd go out for a girls afternoon with her. I don't remember what the fuck, not stuff I wanted. I wanted beauty magazines dirty novels with sex in them and stuff, and my mother would not buy those things for me. She'd get me a dress or something, for church. A dress I'd fantasize about cutting the neckline down and showing off to the priest who was in his early 30s and made eye contact with me a few times during those days. I used to be excited going to church because of him. I don't know if he was a priest actually, don't know what he was, maybe just a pastor. A servant to god nonetheless.

Anyways, my ugly church dresses. I used to try and sway mom into something sexier. Which didn't exist in the Girls section. So I'd rip little seams. Every time I put the ugly thing on I'd rip a little seam down the neckline. Just one or two. Little thread pops. Mom didn't notice, nobody fuckin did. All I wanted for was that priest to notice but you think he looked beyond my face? Hell no. Fuck I hate men like him, he fucked me up. I knew he wanted me but just wouldn't look past my eyes.

Anyways, Case really wanted to go shopping, which I enjoy doing, I just hate it too because I can't buy her anything. Normal moms will buy their children shoes that they really want. I dont. Because I can't, I can't afford it and that's why I hate shopping with her. And she's judgmental as fuck so she knows I have no money, and she plays on that. Not in a mean way, but in a "I'm your kid, can't you buy me something?" way. So anyways, she was being nice this day, not suggesting things she wanted too much, probably because I'd been smoking while doing my bills the week before (I never smoke except when Im stressed. I try not to do it in front of the kids but Case is obviously smart and knows what I'm up to so I don't hide it from her. The way I get her to accept my smoking is to let her smoke with me. We have a cigarette together and call it a night. I know for a fact she doesn't smoke and thinks it's cool that her mom lets her have a smoke when moms doing the bills).

So we were in the department stores, yeah, and she comes across this makeup station that she is raving about and I guess all the girls are into. Expensive stuff, like they all are. She wants this lipgloss stick that is a shimmer lipgloss, purple, and it's $24! I can't afford that crap, especially for ugly purple shit. So I tell her no, try to just get out to the car (we ate at the food court, thought that might be enough to appease her), and she's all passive agressive about it like she goes to try it on in the mirror they have set out there, actually looked ok on her because she's Casey. And then she's like "It's ok mom, don't worry about it. Michele's coming here on the weekend with her mom and they invited me." So what- suggesting Michele's moms' gonna buy her the purple lip stick? Fuck off.

So you know what I did? I fuckin bought it for her. I paid $24 for a fuckin lip gloss to not feel like a loser for my daughter. And do you know what that $24 replaced? Groceries for the week and tampons. Tampons for me, I need super absorbent, and the $15 I would have spend on groceries for at least some dinners. A lot of the time the kids aren't home for dinner anyways so that probably would have covered 4 dinners.

I fucking did that, and I feel pathetic. Not pathetic that I gave into my daughter. I want to buy her shit like that. I'd buy her a fucking car if I could. Pathetic because I had to give up dinners and a box of tampons to impress my daughter. For dinners that week I scrounged the freezer and managed to pull it together, told the kids I was experimenting. No complaints from their department, just chewing. But for tampons I was in my first week and haven't got it yet. I'm due right away. Not sure what I'll do. I dread to think but I'll probably sneak into my daughter's closet and grab a handful of her's. Tampons I bought for her months before. That's I'm stealing from her now.

Does it get any more pathetic?

Morning Meditation

Please send me any messages during this meditation in the form of feelings, thoughts, words, images, or auditory sounds that might be of help or in answer to what I'm looking for in this moment.

Answer:

-Look in your rear-view mirror
-Open drawers without handles on them

Visions received:

-Little Indian girl
-Bra

ANA Confession 28765)

I've come to use masturbation in place of eating or to curb my food cravings. Yesterday I masturbated so many times I lost track. I can't believe how despicable I feel. And it doesn't even work that well. Often times after I orgasm I'll go eat anyway and feel like such crap after that I go and masturbate again. It's a vicious cycle. I'm so ashamed I can't even look people in the eye, I can't have sex properly with my boyfriend. My privates have become sore and I'm still fat.

Chicken N' Whores

I thought I was the only one who trolled on KFC's FB wall. Apparently not. It's full of sluts looking for business. Why they think KFC FB would be the place to sell wank, I don't know, but I'm probably going there tonight so long as there's lots of sluts trollin.

ANA Confession 26458)

I've had anorexia and a corresponding aversion to shitting since before I was a teenager. I don't know what started first, the food issues or the shit issues, all they've done is amplify one another and help each other out. Every time I shit I feel like a dirty person and I want to end shitting altogether. I've not shat for weeks at a time with use of diarrhea pills and starving. One time I didn't shit for a 3 weeks and I had to go to the hospital. I thought I dealt with the problem but lately when I'm on the toilet I hate myself again. When I have to wipe my ass after is the worst I get, I've gone so far as to wipe my shitty toilet paper on the food I'm going to eat so I don't eat it and to remind myself how disgusting I am. My parents used to hate changing my diaper, they fought over it. I remember this from when I was 2. Then they hated wiping my ass when I was potty trained. If they only knew how much I hate wiping my own ass now.

Tonight I'm applying at McDonalds

I read the children Asseops Fables today