Cleaning out my iphone, found some slutty pics

Got my son to take this for me.



Managed to get out to the club for an evening. I stayed way past midnight so I had to pay the babysitter double time. Was worth it though.

My Daughter Called Me a Slut Today

Yeah, she did. Not so much in a confronting way, but in a passive, much more smug innuendo. Bitch. I never thought I'd be calling my 16 year old a bitch. It was just so hurtful, and she knows it was hurtful and she backed out the driveway in her boyfriend's car, doing up her little seatbelt like a good little stuck up snob and kinda glanced up at me with those same eyes she used to when she'd done something wrong but then when she saw me see her changed her gaze to indifferent. I'm sorry. I'm always venting about my daughter on here.

They were going out to some sports dinner thing, but she and Tom her boyfriend were at our place beforehand, I made them appies. They wanted alcohol but I wouldn't let them. So that's when she got bitchy. And started taking little jabs. "You have wine all the time before you go out." Like, what is she suggesting? That I'm a loose floozy? I don't even know what to say to her in return, it's weird because she has this amazing ability to make anything I say in my defense sound stupid just by the way she sits there. And I know she tells Tom everything about me. He's a nice young guy, he's 2 years older and is in school studying business. But fuck. They go out and do settled couples shit like go to movies and then she gets mad when I don't let her drink my liquor? Jesus, it's cause I need it. Plus they're under age. Plus he comes from money. Which is annoying too, because I know his folks aren't crazy partier drinkers who buy them booze, but ok, it's okay to ask for your broke mother's booze when all she's got is half a bottle before a date with a guy she kinda gets nervous for. That's why, honestly. I'd let her have the wine but I had banked that wine for before the date. It was zinfendel for fuck's sakes, god the fact that I'm being called a slut for 2 glasses of zinfendel is beyond pathetic.

So before they went she was like "Are you coming home tonight?" She knew I was going on a date, gave me a look like I get all drunk and fucked on every date I go on. I always come home. I said "Of course I'm coming home, why?" I really like this guy, I wasn't gonna blow him or do anything beyond a kiss. I didn't even want to do that. Of course we did, but he was completely respectful, something Case would never fathom her mother could ever attract.

The worst part is that she's a fucking little slut with Tom. She probably wanted me to go get fucked so she could get fucked in my house. Little slut probably fucks in my house more than I do. I don't let them fuck in the house but I've found condom remnants and birth control cardboard, little sexually responsible brat. Went and got the pill behind my back, not because I'd oppose that but just to not tell me. Just so I'd find them and be hurt she doesn't disclose that with me. So the little slut is having more sex than I am. I have sex average 1 or 2 times a month (albiet with different men every time) and she probably has it 1 or 2 times a day. So who's the real slut? I hope she gets pregnant. I don't really mean that but maybe I do. Maybe a motherhood scare would wipe that smug little discernment off her face.

16 year old daughters are the worst. Only thing that comes close was when she was 9, whole other story of the way she acted when I lost my job and she got head lice. That changed her forever. She still hates me that she caught lice. (?? I know).

I can't even buy my Daughter Lip Gloss

My 16 year old came shopping with me the other day. We'll go together once in a while, but to be honest I try to avoid taking her. It's weird because I know she'd rather go with her friends to the mall and stuff, but sometimes she wants to come with me like teens do because they know their moms will buy them stuff. It's that expectation they have.

And she does, that's reasonable. My mother used to buy me little things when I'd go out for a girls afternoon with her. I don't remember what the fuck, not stuff I wanted. I wanted beauty magazines dirty novels with sex in them and stuff, and my mother would not buy those things for me. She'd get me a dress or something, for church. A dress I'd fantasize about cutting the neckline down and showing off to the priest who was in his early 30s and made eye contact with me a few times during those days. I used to be excited going to church because of him. I don't know if he was a priest actually, don't know what he was, maybe just a pastor. A servant to god nonetheless.

Anyways, my ugly church dresses. I used to try and sway mom into something sexier. Which didn't exist in the Girls section. So I'd rip little seams. Every time I put the ugly thing on I'd rip a little seam down the neckline. Just one or two. Little thread pops. Mom didn't notice, nobody fuckin did. All I wanted for was that priest to notice but you think he looked beyond my face? Hell no. Fuck I hate men like him, he fucked me up. I knew he wanted me but just wouldn't look past my eyes.

Anyways, Case really wanted to go shopping, which I enjoy doing, I just hate it too because I can't buy her anything. Normal moms will buy their children shoes that they really want. I dont. Because I can't, I can't afford it and that's why I hate shopping with her. And she's judgmental as fuck so she knows I have no money, and she plays on that. Not in a mean way, but in a "I'm your kid, can't you buy me something?" way. So anyways, she was being nice this day, not suggesting things she wanted too much, probably because I'd been smoking while doing my bills the week before (I never smoke except when Im stressed. I try not to do it in front of the kids but Case is obviously smart and knows what I'm up to so I don't hide it from her. The way I get her to accept my smoking is to let her smoke with me. We have a cigarette together and call it a night. I know for a fact she doesn't smoke and thinks it's cool that her mom lets her have a smoke when moms doing the bills).

So we were in the department stores, yeah, and she comes across this makeup station that she is raving about and I guess all the girls are into. Expensive stuff, like they all are. She wants this lipgloss stick that is a shimmer lipgloss, purple, and it's $24! I can't afford that crap, especially for ugly purple shit. So I tell her no, try to just get out to the car (we ate at the food court, thought that might be enough to appease her), and she's all passive agressive about it like she goes to try it on in the mirror they have set out there, actually looked ok on her because she's Casey. And then she's like "It's ok mom, don't worry about it. Michele's coming here on the weekend with her mom and they invited me." So what- suggesting Michele's moms' gonna buy her the purple lip stick? Fuck off.

So you know what I did? I fuckin bought it for her. I paid $24 for a fuckin lip gloss to not feel like a loser for my daughter. And do you know what that $24 replaced? Groceries for the week and tampons. Tampons for me, I need super absorbent, and the $15 I would have spend on groceries for at least some dinners. A lot of the time the kids aren't home for dinner anyways so that probably would have covered 4 dinners.

I fucking did that, and I feel pathetic. Not pathetic that I gave into my daughter. I want to buy her shit like that. I'd buy her a fucking car if I could. Pathetic because I had to give up dinners and a box of tampons to impress my daughter. For dinners that week I scrounged the freezer and managed to pull it together, told the kids I was experimenting. No complaints from their department, just chewing. But for tampons I was in my first week and haven't got it yet. I'm due right away. Not sure what I'll do. I dread to think but I'll probably sneak into my daughter's closet and grab a handful of her's. Tampons I bought for her months before. That's I'm stealing from her now.

Does it get any more pathetic?

What Happened with the Heels

I wore them to bed, they were fine. I slipped them off at about 6am because my feet were cramped. I often do that, that's normal.

This morning I had an issue though. Probably because I decided to fucking blog about this, now things are arising. My daughter likes to borrow my clothes. She's 16. I usually let her unless I'm planning on wearing the particular item she wants; or if she's been careless about it and not given it back or has let it sit at the bottom of her laundry pile for a month, then I retract the privilege. Anyways, she's a very aware, very intelligent girl. She's a libra.

She came into my room this morning, after I'd already put clothes on obviously and made my bed and everything (totally forgot the shoes were in there, which also happens a lot. Actually I like climbing into bed sometimes and feeling my shoes down at the bottom). I was going to take her to school today because the friend who usually picks her up was on vacation with her family for an extra long spring break. So she comes into my room, wanting to borrow a sweater. I told her no because I wore the particular sweater on a date with a guy who I blew at the end of the night and I feel weird about letting my daughter borrow my clothes that I've given blowjobs in. It would be different if it was my husband or a boyfriend, but it wasn't. It was a one time date, be both just wanted the same thing, he dropped me off after, Casey wasn't home anyway, she didn't even know I'd gone out on a date that night. But the blowjob shirt, that's what I think of right now when I see that sweater, it needs to be washed and I don't want Case wearing it to school.

So anyways, I made up an excuse like I couldn't find it. She gave me a look like she didn't believe me, and started looking for it. I tried to shoo her out with the excuse we were gonna be late, she really wanted the sweater for a basketball hostess thing (March Madness at her school) and so she looks in my laundry, not there, then sits on my bed to look in my drawers. I started to get pissed but then she's like "there's something in your bed", feeling the surface with her hand, all the while not taking her eyes off me. I knew immediately it was the shoes. I didn't know what to say. I was totally frozen.

So she pulls up the quilt, feels the shoes some more, and then says "Mom there's totally something in here," and pulls out my shoes. I completely panicked. The last time I felt so stupid was when I was 20 and worked as a bartender at a pub. I worked during the day, and often when we'd get new deliveries of bottled booze, before they had a chance to do inventory I'd take one or two bottles of vodka or long island mix or whatever and put them in the old boxes with the empty bottles. Then I'd take the empty bottle box outside like a good worker and put it by the dumpsters for recycling. Later in the night when the pub was closed, I'd return to the pub and retrieve the two bottles I'd snuck out, and then drink them throughout the week, until next inventory. Anyways, this one time I totally got caught. It wasn't even a manager, it was one of the kitchen guys for fucks sakes. I was taking the box outside, and he was like, really loud (within earshot of my manager) "why do those two bottles have caps on them?" Busted. All empties don't have caps. And it sucks because I had thought several times before that I should just undo the caps of the bottles I'd be taking outside, but I guess never thought someone would call me out on that. So I had nothing to say. I played dumb and said "I don't know." And then my manager came over and we took the bottles out and indeed, everyone saw they were full bottles. People seemed somewhat doubtful that I hadn't noticed the extra heaviness of the box. And everyone knew that someone was a culprit. Most gazes were in my direction because, who else would be handling the bottles like I did? A night bartender? Not really.

Anways, same feeling with my daughter today. I said "I don't know." And she just gave me this look, the shoe still in her hand, put it down, and left my room. Not even another word about the sweater, she wore something else to March Madness day.

Thing is, I know my daughter judges me. She thinks I'm a slut, and I kind of am. And the worst thing is, I don't want her to be a slut, and am glad she's not. I don't want her to be like me. If she wore little naked heels to bed in the night I'd be accepting of that and I'd understand, but I'd rather assume she's doing something intellectual or at the very least social and acceptable. And she probably is, that's why she judges me.

Also, about the clothes borrowing, she never wants to borrow my slut clothes. The cute stuff, yeah, and sometimes if something she borrows looks slutty on me, it will look good on her. I'm in no way jealous, but I just feel like such a skank and a loser. I actually think that I'd be disappointed if she stopped asking me to borrow clothes, I'd be hurt if she didn't want to wear my clothes. I hope she doesn't but it's looks like the one she gave me today that make me fear she probably will stop asking me soon.

I doubt mention of the shoes will come up again. I think she knows. There's no reason for her to have suspected the heel wearing, but she's so observant and smart. And there's been other things like that she's discovered, with other dates and stuff. Just very subtle hints but hints her smart little mind can put together. I don't know how this will affect my shoe wearing. Sometimes I wish I just lived alone, so I wouldn't feel like such a slut in my own home. Or I wish I was married so I could do all my kinky stuff within the radius of acceptability. Or I wish they'd move out. But then I'd be lonely, and they'd just judge me more because they'd be further away and have a more objective vantage point from which to judge. But then again, they wouldn't find out about things like my bed shoes. Thank god she doesn't read my blog.

To top it all off, she took a cab to school! She called a fucking cab. She has more spending money than I do, and the little bitch took a cab. I came downstairs and was like "ok are we going?" and she was like "I called a cab. I didn't want to be anymore late." Fucking bitch. She wouldn't be more late, she'd be more late waiting for a fucking cab. But that's a whole other story, because she's judgmental of my driving too, even though she's only got her learners. She can be such a bitch. That made me feel like shit.

So, bed heels stayed on. But I took them off.

I'm wearing just high heels tonight to bed

There I said it. I like to do stuff like that. My kids won't know, I have carpeted floors, they won't hear the clicking from my bed to the bathroom and back several times for water, urination, and detoxifying vitamins. Heels in the night work great for stepping on silverfish that scuttle from under the dark when I flick the light on and look at a sex face in the mirror that hasn't had sex, just good high heels to bed. I like the feel of the heels


snagging the sheets. I like the dirt crumbs. I like clicking the heels together and pretending to be a slut Dorothy in bed with the wizard of oz. Not an old man, a young one with a topaz zodiac who controls everything and blue green slut shoes that match my blue green slut shoes.