Happy 2011

I love New Years.

Simon

I'd like to be able to call myself a Gold Panner one day...

When I worked the flea market a couple weeks ago a met a fellow vendor who pans for gold in the spring out at Princeton. He doesn't make money, he makes nuggets. Then it dawned on me. I could be a gold panner. I'd like to pay myself in nuggets and make about 9 nuggets per day. Then under "occupation" I can put "gold panner." I'll become explosively rich and I'll do something obnoxious with my nuggets like melt them into a belt.

I'll wear my melt belt like a feign and hide the sand trapped in my fingernails with nugget enclosed fists. I'll use some of my gold to build a time travel apparatus that needs my melt belt as the keystone for activation.

I've long had a crush on the periodic table of elements, my attraction to the metals forming a romance of sorts. Iron is in my blood and gold is in my heart. It's the only metal in my heart. If I have to dig through grains of sand to find it, then Au revoir. I'll be at the river panning with gold dusted knees and eyes that spate like the klamath.

Score!

I'm just remembering that one time I died in the snow

I'm just remembering that one time I died in the snow. I'm feeling it again, but feeling the painless part, the death part. The part where I came alive again, the part where it no longer hurt. Dying in the snow was far less painful than I thought it would be. It's like a good memory I have, a milestone. The feeling in my body became numb, and then cool, and then fluttery, and then cool again, like dipping into a pool on a hot day.

Wft?. What?

What the fuck are you talking about, Google. 

Klepto's Guide to Ethical Shoplifting: Excerpt from Chapter 2

Being that it's almost the end of 2011 and that time of year when it's nearly impossible not to shoplift, I read my own book, Klepto's Guide to Ethical Shoplifting, that I published a couple years ago. Not so much because I was feeling tempted to shoplift; but more because it's inspiring to remember the things I can do to satisfy my cravings in fun and festive ways. I'd like to share these ways with other kleptos in the hopes you can make your holiday season fun and arrest free.

Here's an excerpt from Chapter 2: Don't take things People Need:

"Once you can gauge what people might need in order to run their business, you can get a better idea of what to slip in your purse. Contrary to popular belief and media distortions about kleptomaniacs, we often experience shoplifter's remorse. I've had many a guilty night scouring piles of things I stole but didn't even want. As a kelpto, how often have you wished you could go back and exchange your steals?

When you take things people don't need, you eliminate a lot of the guilt associated with being a klepto, and in doing so you often find a place for the things you do steal because you're more accepting of them and klepto less often.

You can refer to Appendix A for a "Do they need it?" checklist that might help you decipher if the person/business you're stealing from is in need of the item you're about to steal.

Is it a costly item?
Are there lots of the item around you?
Will the item be noticed if it goes missing?
Is the item big?
Is the item small?
Is the person/company you're stealing from going to lose money if you take the item?

These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself before performing an ethical shoplift. There are different degrees of ethicality as well so sometimes it will be your own judgement call. 

Restaurants and Bars
Eating establishments are great places to be klepto. In fact, I avoid stores altogether and do most of my stealing at non-retail establishments. Knives, forks, cups, salt shakers, menus, candles, griddles, the list goes on. I have a fully stocked kitchen with various items I've stolen throughout the years. What most people don't know about restaurants is that they budget for the loss of items such as these. They know glasses break and forks accidentally get discarded in the trash. I justify my steals at restaurants by telling myself the glass is going to break anyway, I am saving the glass.

Bars are equally rich with opportunity. Aside from shot glasses and cliche steals such as that, bars often stock walls and shelves full of trinkets and junk that would appeal to no one but a klepto. I have my own library of stolen books from the volumes of hardcover collections that were nothing but a space filler at the establishments I took them from. I justify my home library by telling myself my acts were ethical, the books were a fire hazard, and nobody would have ever read them if I hadn't taken them. Bars do not need books and items, they are there as mere space fillers and will probably go to the landfill when the bar goes bankrupt in a couple of months.

Tis the season to be klepto at a restaurant or bar. If you enjoy Christmas decorations, most places will put out wreaths, garland, bows, lights and cheap decorative ornament balls for the taking. If you're into being klepto for christmas decorations exclusively, then bars and restaruants, along with hotels, are the perfect places ."

...

Hope you enjoyed this excerpt from Chapter 2 of Klepto's Guide to Ethical Shoplifting. The full version is available on Amazon and at limited bookstores. If you are thinking about stealing this book off the shelf, I have mixed feelings about it, which are included in the Preface of the book.

Margaret

Felicia

Red Face Man

Red Face Man <----- Click to listen to Red Face Man song

I wore a rad pair of Barbie shoes today while the owner was in gym class

Cleaning out my iphone, found some slutty pics

Got my son to take this for me.



Managed to get out to the club for an evening. I stayed way past midnight so I had to pay the babysitter double time. Was worth it though.

Knife Calling

Ok, knives. Ok. You want to come out, I get it.

Sleeping Beauty Alternate Beginning Pt 2

Listen to this episode

Sleeping Beauty Alternate Beginning Pt 1

Listen to this episode

Writing 2's Like a Man

This is how you write 2's like a man:

-see video

Hey, Tampon Girl

I know about 1000 men who would buy tampons for you without hesitation. They're all on myspace, 50 or older, overweight, and wearing a thin white t-shirt and cheap deodorant. Most of them are in my Friends list and would drool at the opportunity to touch the outer surface of something that will be going up your vagina.

ANA Confession 28556)

I think about what a delicacy I would be for cannibals or any other animal that eats flesh. Any predator would go for me out of a pack of humans, I'd be the most enjoyable and provide the most stored energy until their next meal. Animals or cannibals eating other humans caught (if there were any) would move over to my body like hyenas, cause I'd taste better cause I'm fattier. I picture them devouring my fatty legs and my thighs, they'd be all crowded in those areas. If I were sold at the deli my meat would be worth more, because it's the fattiest cut. It would sizzle on the barbecue the most, and cannibals would rave about it the most after because it tastes the best and melts in your mouth. I would clog their arteries the most with my fat and my ass would be like crispy bacon, what everyone wants at brunch. I deserve to get eaten with a body like this.

Me and the Slugs

It's so weird writing for other people. There's some feeling I feel that I just don't expect other people to feel, and that I shouldn't expect myself to be able to get across. Like, last week I took a walk. I had routed the walk, it was a walk I wanted to take, a loop. It was a 2 hr loop in my area, down a mountain, then around the residential bottom, then back up the residential mountain, then down a busy street to the beginning where I started. I routed the loop early, drove it many times with the kids, over and over, depending on if the song in the car was good or not. If the song was a good song when I got to the end of it I'd start the loop again and if it wasn't a good song I'd go do what I was supposed to be doing. Rain or sun, bad songs or good songs, I drove that loop many times. And I got excited about walking it, wondered how long it would take me, if it was possible, if it would kill my feet, if I'd have to worry about people I know seeing me walk it.



Before I walked it, I tried two times, on two consecutive days. The first day I parked my car in the spot I wanted to start it and then I realized I didn't have any power in my phone for my ipod, or any songs I wanted on it. And I had to piss. So I drove home, which I was very disappointed about because it was such a sunny, good day to do it on. The next day I had made an extra effort to get the right shoes and the right clothes and to have music on my ipod that I wanted, then I got to the same spot and realized I didn't have earphones. So again home I went.



The third day, it was cloudy, drizzly all day. But in the direction I wanted to walk it was clearing up. So I took a chance and did the walk. I started on a mountain ruggedy path, deserted but for me and the power lines and the huge black slugs I noticed. I must have seen about 20 or 30 huge black slugs on the dirt. But I was distracted by the fact that I had to piss really bad. I thought about turning around, but figured maybe I could hold it. When I got to the bottom of the hill, without having turned around, and being in a residential area now, I thought about where I might piss this bladder out. I thought about going up to a house, asking to use the can. Seeing what doors to other realities would open, who I would meet. How I would affect their realities by knocking on their door. I'm not much one to be that bold with immediate reality though. I prefer to do something at my own pace and then write about it later.









So I found some bushes in a bushy back path to piss in, did a good job, didn't get it on my shoes, noticed the spit looking globs from whatever insects do that on leaves and wondered if I'd gotten any of that on my crack during my squat. But overall was proud of myself for everything dodged, literally, any neighbours in their tall houses who I'm sure peep out of their windows knowing that people go along those bushed paths to piss and do whatever the empty wrappers say they do.



Then I continued along, passing a few people, passing a jogger, passing some people going into their tall middle class boxes with 24s of beer. I passed a vacant lot and a bus stop with a woman who watched me and another woman with a baby in a stroller whose baby covered her eyes to me. I did a bunch of stuff on the walk, got out of breath, got hot, listened to a podcast I'd recorded that day. Passed 3 teenage girls who were as aware of me as I was of them.



Then I ascended back up the mountain, at the other side of the loop. Excited about this part, I liked this part in the car when I had done it a ton of times. It was harder than I thought, steeper, Blah blah. I thought about going into a path that went into the woods instead, blah blah.



Anyways, after 1 hour 45 minutes I made it to my fucking car. And I don't know how else to explain what happened on that walk other than that it was a defining moment because everything that happened before that walk and everything that happened after that walk and everything that happened during that walk will forever be relative to that walk in my mind. And I don't know how else to explain it to an audience who is always listening in my mind and who I owe nothing to but who I'm writing this to.

Just kidding, assholes

Here's Sunburn Girl, tho. She gets off on people rubbing her sunburn.