Man Band

I wish I was a man, because then I'd form a man-band. It would have five lead singers, and some baggy clothes, and some tight clothes, and we'd switch it up between baggy clothes, and tight clothes; baggy clothes, tight clothes; baggy clothes; tight clothes.

Music Moguls

The G-Unit music moguls are just trying to survive. We've got to understand, they're just trying to get by. Maybe they can only eat mansions and wear Bentleys. We wouldn't want them to starve to death and not have clothes. We should support them by purchasing their CDs and then listening to one song a whole bunch of times, and then never listening to the CD again.

I'm Pregnant

Ooooooh look at me. I had sex 9 months ago. My husband banged me like a drum without a condom on. We had sex without a condom. We did it bareback. Look at me I had bareback sex. I had a man inside me.

3 Muskateers

Who eats those motherfuckers?

Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle is the King of comedy because he broke his own record of performing stand up comedy for 6 straight hours. I would like to break that record by doing one really really good second of stand up comedy. The one second stand up comedy routine. They could call me the Joker of stand up comedy, I wouldn’t mind carrying that title because the Joker is a lot smarter. He flies under the radar and doesn’t play in too many games. He doesn’t get himself too involved, and then just when you’ve forgotten about him he shows up for the games he’s not invited to. He does this on purpose because he's a joker. You are the fool, not him. The next time you play Crazy 8’s and the Joker’s face pops up, know that his smile is one of ridicule and mockery towards you.

Neighbors

I was hoping the new neighbors across the way were hot, nice boys. Then their bedroom curtains were open tonight and I saw one or two flashing lights coming from it. Now I'm thinking it's old people who are taking pictures at night. Why does my mind automatically go there?

Convenience Stores

The other day I was in a convenience store trying to take out money from an ATM. It told me I only had $0.60 in my bank account and would not give me the $0.60 because it does not carry that denomination, which is too bad because I would have bought 12 small candies. I love convenience stores. You can always find something you can afford in the convenience store unless you have 4 pennies. Some convenient stores are very nice, and they have a "Take-a-penny, Leave-a-penny" policy. In these convenient stores, if you have only 4 pennies, you can take a penny and afford a 5 cent candy. But you got to remember to fulfill your other half of the bargain at some other time in your life. You've got to leave a penny somewhere else, in one of those containers, although it doesn't matter where the penny comes from. If you use a penny you find on the ground, it might mean extra-lucky.