You Could Get Arrested For Shoplifting

Was that shirt worth it? Was that lipstick worth it? Was that eyeliner worth it? Were THOSE COSMETICS WORTH IT?? WERE THOSE COSMETICS YOU SHOPLIFTED FROM THE DRUG STORE WORTH IT????

Probably not, because you probably got in trouble for it. You can’t steal those kinds of things. I’ve written a book called ‘Klepto’s Guide To Ethical Shoplifting’ that allows people who suffer kleptomania to still shoplift but not get in trouble for the things they steal. With the advice from this book, you still get the rush from shoplifting, just like you would get the rush from shooting heroine or some other drug, but you don’t suffer the effects. Because as anyone who has been klepto knows, it’s not about WHAT you steal, it’s about the high you get WHILE you are stealing. So for example, if you steal the little panty-hose things you put on to try on shoes, if you steal a box of those, for example, you can’t really get in trouble. The store could ask you to leave but they can’t really call the police over something like that. Plus, I use those pantyhose things, so it’s beneficial for me when I take a box of them from a shoe store. I also justify this by telling myself that most people forget to use them or are wearing socks, so they don’t need the pantyhose things to try on their shoes.

I have thousands of things you can “steal,” plus dozens of other tips you can use to improve your klepto life. Just because you have kleptomania, you shouldn’t suffer from it. I have to go steal some stuff, I’ll finish this later.



Stealing a dart board from a club is a good way to exercise your klepto impulses.

The Bathroom Is...

CLEAN!

Writer's Dilemma

Best Idea Ever

My sister came up with this last night, and since it's the best idea I've ever heard, I'm going to try and fulfill it this weekend, and every weekend I go out ever again. We are going to adopt fake names, as usual, but this is the highlight: we are going to use McDonalds names. One of us will be Ronnie, one of us will be Birdie, I will be FK (for Fry Kids) and my sis will be Grim, or Grimace Kowalchuk. When people ask why her name is Grimace, she will tell them: Do you have a fucking problem with that?

I DON'T think anybody will notice that it's all McDonalds names. I cant wait to be FK!

I popped a balloon, now everybody HATES me

I went to a scenester party and popped a balloon and then everybody HATED me after that. I POPPED A BALLOON. I practically RUINED the party. I guess it's taboo to pop a balloon on purpose at a scenester party. I guess it's just something you don't do. It's a real energy zapper for scenester dancefloors.

It was IMPULSIVE. It was IMPUlSIVE to pop that balloon. I was wearing 2 inch heels and all I wanted to do as soon as I got to the dancfloor and saw that balloon there was POP it with my heel. POP IT WITH MY HEEL. YOU try wearing heels around balloons and see what impulse comes over you. You try that next time, all you scenesters who are just STANDING around watching me.

...I did make one friend though...

Slut Tattoo Blog #8

Today I did something different. I went outside in the real sun and worked on my skank tattoo. It worked well. I was kinda secluded so I didn't fear anyone seeing me getting my slut tattoo that way. It was either that or cover it up with my bottoms, which would suck cause there would be a tan line and then slut tat right beneath. I never thought about how I would deal with the real sun, I guess it is something I can include in my How To Get a Good Slut Tattoo book. What to do in the summer, in your bathing suit on the beach. I'll poll all the sluts. See what they do, what works best. But anyways, my slut tat looks great, probably equals 2 or 3 tanning salon visits, which is also great, because I am also getting all my vitamins from lying in the sun.

I also had a random thought tonight when I got home... Why am I doing this? What would possess me diaratize something this intimate and then just show it to the myspace world like it's everybody's business? Well, I do it for the creeps. It's the creeps who always comment on my photos. It's the creeps who always send me "Hey" messages that make me feel noticed and good about myself. It's the creeps who tell me "you're interesting" and I use that phrase over and over in my head to validate myself. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I say "You are interesting," and then I thank the creeps. Thank you Creeps, I dedicate this tat to you.

Mittelschmerz

I'm experiencing 'middle pain' right under my slut tattoo on my right side. Does this mean that all my kids from my right side will be sluts and all my kids from my left side will be non-sluts?

That would actually be kind of cool if I had a kid right now and then in 18 years I could tell her she was destined to end up in Playboy because mommy had mittelschmerz right under her playboy bunny slut tattoo when she was making you.