How's Cory Larkin Doing?

Cory Larkin! How’s business been in the fiscal year of 2009? Get any action? Get any mortgages paid off for your clients? Get pussy? I tried to help you out last year when I saw your smile where I put my toddler’s bottom. If you do a new ad this year, maybe I’ll put it on my blog again. I don’t know if you should put your ad on a grocery cart though. Most people who have enough money to need a whole cart’s worth of groceries already have their mortgages paid off. Maybe you should try a calendar, that’s what my dad does. Nah that's gay. That's for oldies. You need something fresh. Hmm. What about something different, like margarine? Cory Larkin margarine containers. I tell you why. Everyone uses margarine. And people always save the containers and reuse them forever. It’s like magazine advertising. People put their Christmas nuts and bolts in them. Or use them for paint water in art classrooms. Your face could turn up in all different cupboards and timelines. People living in 1234 Burnaby Terrace are old peeps with arthritis who move shit from their car up the elevator to their door with your grocery cart. That’s where you were, Cory. I don’t know if I told you that. You’re practically in a retirement facility with lonely renters. And you’re not going anywhere, you’re staying in the parking garage. They’re never going to buy a home, Cory. I’m probably the only one who noticed you and this is my way of paying you forward since I won’t need your services, ever ever ever. I don’t know how you would go about getting your ad on a margarine container but you could prob find it in one of those corporate branding catalogues. They do all kinds of stuff like watches and shit. Maybe I’ll get a T-shirt made for you. If the T-shirt people at the Cherry Bomb give me a hard time and ask why I’m putting a mortgage advisor on my shirt I’ll tell them you’re my husband. And that I’m trying to support you. I’ll tell them we’re having a baby and we’ve been showered by the shrapnel of the detonated economy. Maybe I’ll get a discount. I’ll wear it. I’ll wear it out for you. Put your number on my boobs. Lots of people look there. Maybe I’ll wear the shirt under my suit. And if I need a break from my suit-for-a-week I’ll take off my blazer and have Cory Larkin smiling at the world from my marginal wavelength.

Where the FUCK did all the Men go?

Where the FUCK did all the Men go?

.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

Who the HELL is this?? And where the hell did all the guys go? If I want to play tea party with my bears I’ll go back to grade 4. I wasn’t even this lame in grade 4, no girls were. Not ones I knew anyway. We made thriller sexcapades with our topless barbies. What’s with the cutsey-wutsey? Is this what girls want these days? I’m too far-gone in my deranged reality to know what the hell’s up with people anymore. I don’t think all my invisible friends are talking about PHIL when they are talking about 4^th density ascension and the male balancing himself out with the female. I don’t think they’re talking about EMO BOY.

Not to mention you're boring, say something we haven't all thought before whilst taking a dump.

....

I know I liked kite and puppet store boy and enchanted forest boy. But those guys weren’t working there because they loved kites and puppets and fairy tales and the 3 pigs. And if they did, they’d probably be gay and genuine. They were like 29 and they worked there cause they needed the money. They didn’t work there cause they knew it would get them hundreds of thousands of gaggling emo loving bimbos. These guys just wanted to get the fuck off work and probably go kite surfing, or do some other cool hobby, not puppeteer with tootsie rolls and vlog on youtube and be cute.

....

I’m sending my owl on you, emo sap, she’s gonna rip your little fluff ball apart trying to find guts and edible parts…Nah she’s too smart for that. She’s too good for you.

Maybe a Funeral

.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

Shit, I forgot to talk to my parents about not having a funeral. Actually I didn’t forget, I just didn’t have the opportunity. It’s kinda hard to bring up. Like what am I supposed to say, “Guys don’t have a funeral for me if I die, k?” They already think I’m weird enough. They’re gonna be like “why are you even thinking about that?” and then they’ll be like “what dumb conspiracy are you following now?” then they’ll be like “what have you been smoking?” in their parent voices. You know parents, they always ask that. Like smoking’s the only way to administer a drug. And then they’ll just tune me out and not even hear my plea. When people think you’re crazy they just ignore you. Try telling your parents the Queen mum was an 8 foot lizard who shape-shifted back to true form when she passed on to the next realm. Try not being labeled crazy slipping them that morsel of truth.

Best Note

So good and she'd never even know why.

A Bio Alcohol Fireplace?

Wow, thanks mom & dad, that sounds really cool. Does it have a trap door on the other side? Is it like the sarcophagus gate that will take me to SAGITTARIUS B???

Get Ready For It

Get ready for it. Mother Earth is going to cull her world. She is going to cull her world of all the weak runts and eat the dead ones after.

If You Smell a Donut

You MIGHT not be in a donut shop! Be careful! You might be in a strip club. There might be whores all around you. The donuts and cotton candy you are smelling might be a hooker who strategically placed that scent on her pulse points in order to garner a sexual response from the male part of the brain that gets him to spend money. Watch out! It's not cotton candy! It's a hookerR! She smells like candy and fluff but she doesn't on the inside. I knonw it's overwhelming, I smelt it too. But you've got to control yourselfc. You've got marshmallows at home. You ccan spend a little bit on the hooker. $5 at most. She will be happy with that. But don't let her carnival carnivorous cotton candy smelling neck and backbone and back tattoo fool yhou. She put that scent on her back tattoo. The put them on all her tattoos! She did it on purpose. She rubbed it in there. It will overtake you. she reads cosmo magazine and she knows about the studies they've conducted and she knows that the #1 turn on smell for a guy is DONUTS. And not just constable wiggums guys, Every guy! She's fucking with you,man. She's fucking with you., Don't spend $30 on a 5 min lap dance. Not worth it. Just buy a donut from Tim hortons, they're 80 cents and it opens at 4.

Winter Poem

[a poem that explores my fear of being locked outside of the house after a night of partying in -30 degree temps. Inspired by Deadmonton. Goes to the song 'Bow Down' by Ice Cube, or any Ice Cube song will work]
.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

Larry put your gloves on
Come dig your daughter out of the snow
She’s frozen like a popzicle
A popzicle a lobzicle
Lopsided kamikazikal
....
See her little hair stickin out there?
That’s where she’s buried in her underwear
And a snowsuit that didn’t even help
Cause you didn’t hear her puppy yelps
....
Dad. Daaaad. DAD.
Ring ring goes the bell
Pound pound goes the door
Daughter’s locked out, door’s frozen shut
Papa’s eyes are frozen shut you hibernatin putz
....
Daddy get the shovel
The occupational handle one
The one with the curved handle
Yeah that’s the one, The one you got from Costco
You gonna dig your daughter out
....
Put her by the fire
Melt that ice block off her knuckles
Make sure that arm doesn’t snap off
Too bad she drinks so much
She might have felt her heart freeze up
....
Daddy get the coals
Daddy get the kindling
Get some financial statements to burn
Get the fork and rake them in
And don’t forget to bring the urn

"Every time you say a swear...

..Jesus gets nailed a little bit more on to the cross."

-Mrs. Nemetti, Gr. 3 Teacher, St. Augustine school, 1991

Who Would Win This Fight?

VS

SANTA - DO NOT put these two together under the tree! They will KILL each other. The children do not need to see that bloodbath under the tree on Christmas morning.

Cougars Vs Murderers

What Am I More Afraid Of?...
Murderers or Cougars in the Woods?

Murderers won last one so I'll put something up that matches them a little closer in stature. There are known cougars in the mountains of BC. One attacked a child in her backyard on a mountain near where I live. The kid's mom got in and saved her (thank god) but I'm still afraid of those bloodthirsty cats. So:

Murderers vs Cougars (in the woods)

Murderers: chop up my body after
Cougars: eat my body after
Murderers: you can plead with a murderer
Cougars: you can't plead with a cougar
Murderers: you can play along with a murderer and outsmart them
Cougars: you can't play along with a cat that is eating you and feeding you to its young unless playing along = being fed to young
Cougars: easy enough to avoid - just don't go to the woods
Murderers: could be anywhere
Murderers: evil
Cougars: hungry
Murderers: lots of people have been killers
Cougars: not many cougars have killed people
Murderers: shows about crime killings make me feel awful but I watch them anyway
Cougars: I like National geographic

Drumroll...
Murderers wins. Thinking about a beautiful majestic animal makes me feel fuzzy on the inside. Thinking about the vacuum eyes of charles manson and ted bundy makes me feel dead.

No He's Not

I am, yep, yep. I met him on a cruise. We really hit it off. He lives in Oklahoma but we talk on the phone every day. I have a flight booked there for January. I think he could be the one…I haven’t talked to him in a few days but that’s because he was home for thanksgiving and the time difference and stuff. He’s going to call me tonight.

How To Have

How To

You Validate Meeeeeeeee

I just want to be with you! Because you would validate me. You would validate me as a human being. You would make all those people I went to high school with think that I’m actually okay now that I’m grown up. You would make everybody I pass on the street spin their heads in utter awe of our union together. We could be a power couple! You would validate my eye patch. And it’s size!

Weather Forecast

Might as well blog about the weather like everyone else. If you are in the Lower Mainland area, it’s going to be cloudy. It will probably be raining. There might even be frost and you’ll have to find some way of getting that off your car.

There are upper troughs moving in from the west and lower troughs moving in from the east and they're blowing into each other and creating a grand formation of cumbinglinigus clouds. The cumbinglinigus clouds have a very positive charge, and this mixed with warm winds from the Pacific ocean means that it is going to start raining men. This is nothing to Hallelujah about. Crime will increase. People will get raped. Many people will die. If it starts to rain men, we suggest you lock your doors and run to your bomb shelter if you have one, for as long as you can or at least until the sperm dries up, which will be in about a week.

Guy's Big Bite

Have you ever seen this Guy on the Food network? I get weird watching him because he feels like a major food addict and it's hard to watch, like it would be a meth addict cooking meth and then shooting it up after. It's just like that. He seems like a decent guy and everything, he is just WAY too much of an addict to be comfortable watching. He’s be like a dog the way dogs are when they’re waiting for food that you’re eating, he'd be like that dog but also have the ability to use a can opener and open his own food and the fridge and the pantry. HE IS THAT DOG.

Fuckcember

Fuckcember. What can I say about Fuckcember besides that it just makes me not really want to be a part of this world? And then I start to fear that I am going to attract death. And what a better time to die, than right around Fucksmas. If I'm not too careful, the universe is going to line it all up for me. Better call Operation Rednose. Just to make myspace that much more important, instead of filling out my donor card, I am proclaiming through this site that you can take my organs for other children, or teenagers, clitoris included, they probably need lots of those in Africa where they are routinely mutilated. I don't have a foreskin to donate for all the people mutilated here.

Babies Being Pushed Out Of Vaginas

Channel 41: babies being pushed out of vaginas
Channel 34: babies being pushed out of vaginas
Channel 52: chefs running around for ingredients

...guess I'm watching the Food Network again

Let's Try It Anyway

Red Robin Coupon

I also want to enjoy the finer things in life

like bigass Yankee candles.

I Just Wanna Talk to a Flower

Am I the only person looking forward to this?

Where are all the weird people?

Thanks John Mayer, thanks

I think I’m warming up to John Mayer a bit. Actually I’ve been warming up to a lot of things and morons and enemies I can't stand in the recent weeks. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, I’m worried for my hateability.

I didn’t try to like John Mayer. I have not been trying to like anybody I presumably hate. Some acoustic album of his was playing on repeat at a party I was working at. If I didn’t hear cheers from half the people there that John Mayer was on, I probably would have asked somebody who it was with the intention of getting the album. I’m embarrassed for myself. It helped John Mayer’s case that his lyrics and voice were fuzzed out by the party atmosphere and that he was sandwiched between the beloved Hall & Oates and Van Halen and Journey and Whitney Houston. So I was already buttered up. He also had one on there with Eric Clapton or some legend. He’s really been stacking himself up against me.

All I have to say is, FUCK YOU John Mayer, FUCK YOU. I’m not giving up. I’m not surrendering to your douchedom. Even if it means I have to make excuses to hate your music. Even if it means I have to hear your high pitched voice of a queef over your guitar riffs that are lukewarm with seduction. Even if it means I have to hate myself in order to hate you, I’ll do it. I’ll hear your voice as a high pitched queef and I’ll repeat the mantra, Fuck you John Mayer, fuck you until the day I murder myself because your voice comes on during a lovemaking session.

[No Title]

[no blog]

Hey Scenesters,

Hey Scenesters,
Maybe you should try putting noble gas inside your scenester balloons at your next scenester party. That way, maybe disrespectful shoddy broads wearing 2 inch white stilettos won’t come out of nowhere and pop them with her heel and RUIN everything. Maybe you won’t be so irritated if you bring a tank of noble gas to your next scenester shin dig.

Word to the Noble Gases

Still really into the periodic table of elements. Wanna pay some respect to the noble gases, to the guys on the far right. You’ve brought light in the creation of:

balloons
elf voices
80s clothing
superman
palm tree/beer lights
demon voices
lasers
Jupiter’s air

Normally I wouldn’t feel I have merit to be the one honoring your greatness, Noble gases, since I am no chemist nor am I as obsessed with or enamored in you as the true chemists are. I don’t know much about you, have only but scratched that superficial surface with my humble awareness. However, I justify my lowly tribute by saying that most humans and 3rd density beings could care less about your existence, so I would hope that you gracefully take what you can get, which I trust you will oh Noble ones. I hope I speak for many, conscious or not, in saying that you impress me and fascinate me with your 1st density greatness.

No Funeral

I had a thought while driving today that if I die tomorrow, and there is a funeral for me, I will be MAD. I do not want a funeral the same way I do not want a wedding. Everybody doing the same standardized thing in the same church wearing the same colors to fulfill the same external expectation, bleh bleh. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to weddings as much as I love going to funerals. I just don’t want my own. I guess I’ll have to talk to my parents over the holidays or something, let them know I’ll be really mad if they throw me a funeral if I die. I don’t want no casket. Don’t want no smiling picture of me in a frame on a pillar. Don’t want no lunch after. Don’t want no dead body smelling flowers. Putrid, it’s PUTRID.

Tipping at Starbucks: American Version

Been spending a little time in the states and after frequenting about 10 Starbucks's I noticed that they have completely different tip jars. They don't have Canadian tip jars, which are usually wide open holiday mugs or something ugly that never sold during markdowns. In America they have locked boxes with slots in them that are attached to the counter!

SO. I could revise my tipping instructions, to include options for americans to tip on the cheap, as well. However. I noticed that starbucks people in america don't seem to exude that they want or care about a tip. But INTERESTINGLY, I am feeling more generous. I like to fold up a 1 and slip it in that little see through prison of change.

Observations:
-tip box slot is kinda small, good for change, not great for bills. Conclusion: American starbucks employees only want to be tipped in crappy change (cause they don't have loonies or toonies here - although I did get some weird token looking things that supposedy are $1)
-tip box if full of dimes and pennies and crap change, maybe one bill in the entire box. People treat them like muscular dystrophy boxes in grocery stores where you put your shit change in there cause you don't want it. That's what they look like.
-tip box is usually not right out in the open, have to search for it with your eyes

My overall advice about this is that you shouldn't even bother tipping at American Starbucks's, especially if they have tip boxes. Nobody else does. It's like the bystander effect. I just don't feel guilty about it here. However, if you're feeling generous, by all means, tip. I'm slippin 1's in there like it's canadian tire money! I've never thrown a loonie in a tip jar in canada, EVER.

Peak Flaccid

Whistler = OVERRATED. Peak Season = LIES.

You can beg all you want...

I will not let go of your buoy. There is plenty of air in your buoy to keep us both afloat. You may have gotten to your buoy first, but I got to your buoy second, which means I will hang on to your buoy for longer. I have swum from buoy to buoy. I know buoys. I know a good buoy when I see one. You’ve been at your buoy for too long. You need to learn to swim.

Conversation between Me and Myself

Even though me and myself are best friends, we sometimes get ourselves into kerfuffles.

ME
Did you know that red wine needs to breathe?

MYSELF
Oh, that’s so stupid.

ME
Like how does red wine breathe? Does it also need to brush its teeth because it will stain itself red?

MYSELF
Haha, yeah it must have really stained teeth to go with its breathable lungs.

ME
Well, not necessarily. Not everything that has lungs has teeth.

MYSELF
Hmm

ME
Maybe I’m wrong about a lot of things.

MYSELF
Yeah, you might be. You might be wrong about everything. Maybe you’re stupid, Maybe you’re a big loser. Maybe nobody likes you. You’re so in your head. People think you’re weird. You stand for nothing.

ME
I need to distract myself immediately. Booze or masturbation?

MYSELF
Both.

Love and Satan

People who worship Satan still love Satan. It is an act of love to love Satan. There is still an overwhelming direction of love toward something, in this case Satan. Whereas if everyone hated Satan, that would be true Hell, which it kinda is with all those Satan haters out there.

Fuckvember

Fuckvember is the time when I've got to buy the most gifts. Not because it's also Fucksmas season, but because everybody fucked around Vagentines day in Fuckruary of whatever year and then a ton of babies were born in Fuckvember. Haven't you noticed? Everybody's fuckin birthday is in Fuckvember. It's the universal symbol that everyone is still having sex and making babies. Fuck you, Vagentines day. Now I gotta buy presents because a bunch of people fucked.

Suit Time

I’ve been pondering and pondering and pondering. Just pondering about this suit-for-a-week business. Now's the time, if I’m really gonna do it. Time to quit making excuses. Time to materialize a reality. Now I just gotta swallow my pride and have the courage to wear a man’s suit around everywhere I go. Because I know it will be an adventure. An adventure between me and me. Which is the best fucking kind there is.

Right, Me?

Yes. Right.

Don't pretend, you anorexic girl

Don’t pretend. I see your little front you’ve put up. You make it look like you’re all healthy and into exercise and you love to bake for people because you’re so high energy. Well you know what? I KNOW about your secret. You like to BAKE. For OTHER PEOPLE. And you never EAT IT. Because you want everyone to be FAT and you want to make sure they get fat by baking them the most fattening, sugary, unhealthy crap you can find from the bulk bins, you cheap fraudulent bin-shopping…wait I can’t think of a name that would be insulting to an anorexic. Because you can’t call them Fat-ass or something implying they’re fat, because they know they aren’t really fat, even though they have body dysmorphic disorder most of the time. You can’t call them skinny or skeleton or anything either because they take that as a compliment. Hmmm. Uglyface? You bin-shopping uglyface.

Just wondering what the point of "Cancer awareness month" is

It's like, I'm seeing advertisements for cancer. Like the way I see ads for wedding photographers on Facebook. It is that obvious. So now they are advertising for us to get cancer? Cause that's what it feels like.

Or maybe they mean this kind of awareness. Prob not tho:

It's Like a RIDDLE

I still haven’t been able to figure out why living things poo. A nice thought I had though is it makes good fertilizer. It is good for plants, poo helps them grow.

Belly Button Is Wet Because:

a) sweat

b) didn’t dry it enough after shower

c) laptop is leaking a clear substance

d) belly button is leaking clear substance

Least creepy answer: b
Answer I hope it is: b

Before & After

Uggly Boots

There are exactly 22 ugly boots in this ad.

Journal from Grade 6

This is what my best friend Dre and I did in Grade 6. Passed around journals all day so we could communicate during class. I kept them all.

You Could Get Arrested For Shoplifting

Was that shirt worth it? Was that lipstick worth it? Was that eyeliner worth it? Were THOSE COSMETICS WORTH IT?? WERE THOSE COSMETICS YOU SHOPLIFTED FROM THE DRUG STORE WORTH IT????

Probably not, because you probably got in trouble for it. You can’t steal those kinds of things. I’ve written a book called ‘Klepto’s Guide To Ethical Shoplifting’ that allows people who suffer kleptomania to still shoplift but not get in trouble for the things they steal. With the advice from this book, you still get the rush from shoplifting, just like you would get the rush from shooting heroine or some other drug, but you don’t suffer the effects. Because as anyone who has been klepto knows, it’s not about WHAT you steal, it’s about the high you get WHILE you are stealing. So for example, if you steal the little panty-hose things you put on to try on shoes, if you steal a box of those, for example, you can’t really get in trouble. The store could ask you to leave but they can’t really call the police over something like that. Plus, I use those pantyhose things, so it’s beneficial for me when I take a box of them from a shoe store. I also justify this by telling myself that most people forget to use them or are wearing socks, so they don’t need the pantyhose things to try on their shoes.

I have thousands of things you can “steal,” plus dozens of other tips you can use to improve your klepto life. Just because you have kleptomania, you shouldn’t suffer from it. I have to go steal some stuff, I’ll finish this later.



Stealing a dart board from a club is a good way to exercise your klepto impulses.

The Bathroom Is...

CLEAN!

Writer's Dilemma

Best Idea Ever

My sister came up with this last night, and since it's the best idea I've ever heard, I'm going to try and fulfill it this weekend, and every weekend I go out ever again. We are going to adopt fake names, as usual, but this is the highlight: we are going to use McDonalds names. One of us will be Ronnie, one of us will be Birdie, I will be FK (for Fry Kids) and my sis will be Grim, or Grimace Kowalchuk. When people ask why her name is Grimace, she will tell them: Do you have a fucking problem with that?

I DON'T think anybody will notice that it's all McDonalds names. I cant wait to be FK!

I popped a balloon, now everybody HATES me

I went to a scenester party and popped a balloon and then everybody HATED me after that. I POPPED A BALLOON. I practically RUINED the party. I guess it's taboo to pop a balloon on purpose at a scenester party. I guess it's just something you don't do. It's a real energy zapper for scenester dancefloors.

It was IMPULSIVE. It was IMPUlSIVE to pop that balloon. I was wearing 2 inch heels and all I wanted to do as soon as I got to the dancfloor and saw that balloon there was POP it with my heel. POP IT WITH MY HEEL. YOU try wearing heels around balloons and see what impulse comes over you. You try that next time, all you scenesters who are just STANDING around watching me.

...I did make one friend though...

Slut Tattoo Blog #8

Today I did something different. I went outside in the real sun and worked on my skank tattoo. It worked well. I was kinda secluded so I didn't fear anyone seeing me getting my slut tattoo that way. It was either that or cover it up with my bottoms, which would suck cause there would be a tan line and then slut tat right beneath. I never thought about how I would deal with the real sun, I guess it is something I can include in my How To Get a Good Slut Tattoo book. What to do in the summer, in your bathing suit on the beach. I'll poll all the sluts. See what they do, what works best. But anyways, my slut tat looks great, probably equals 2 or 3 tanning salon visits, which is also great, because I am also getting all my vitamins from lying in the sun.

I also had a random thought tonight when I got home... Why am I doing this? What would possess me diaratize something this intimate and then just show it to the myspace world like it's everybody's business? Well, I do it for the creeps. It's the creeps who always comment on my photos. It's the creeps who always send me "Hey" messages that make me feel noticed and good about myself. It's the creeps who tell me "you're interesting" and I use that phrase over and over in my head to validate myself. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I say "You are interesting," and then I thank the creeps. Thank you Creeps, I dedicate this tat to you.

Mittelschmerz

I'm experiencing 'middle pain' right under my slut tattoo on my right side. Does this mean that all my kids from my right side will be sluts and all my kids from my left side will be non-sluts?

That would actually be kind of cool if I had a kid right now and then in 18 years I could tell her she was destined to end up in Playboy because mommy had mittelschmerz right under her playboy bunny slut tattoo when she was making you.

Suit For a Week

I have decided I am going to go to the store and buy a man’s suit and wear it for a week, just to fuck with my reality. Just to see how my life changes for that short portion of time. And if the changes will be long-lasting. And then maybe I can write a movie about it called “She Wears a Suit For a Week." Yes, the pitch-panel will LOOOOOVVVEE that.

Slut Tattoo Diary #5

The slut tattoo is looking sharp. It's enough to be noticed by the naked eye now, and I kind of want to show it off. I understand these sluts now that I have one of their tattoos. I get it.

Having this new slut tattoo has shifted my perspective somewhat. I look at the world through slightly different eyes. Eyes that go something like, "I have a slut tattoo, so fuck you." I get that slut cockiness now. I get the slut tan, the slut tanning beds, the slut lotion, the slut stickers, the slut bleached hair, the long polished slut nails. We may be making fun of those sluts from the outside, but they're making fun of us on the inside, in all their slutty hotness. And everybody knows, ahead of class, ahead of talent, and arguably even ahead of wealth, slutty is the most important thing.

Slut Tattoo Diary #4

I finally went slut tattooing yesterday after like a week and a half so it was almost like starting all over again from scratch. There was a white blob of an outline of bunny where the original one started but I have long LONG given up with the pen.

I'm confident after this slut tattoo session though, that I will have a decent slut tat for the summer if I don't give up. Only thing I realized is when I go to kits beach in my bikini I won't even be able to show my slut tat off cause I don't want it to disappear/burn. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about that yet. Obviously I will cover it up, but maybe I'll just continue to wear the sticker over it to make even more of a tattoo. Who cares. Is anyone gonna care that I'm working on my slut tattoo at the beach and not in a slut tattoo bed? Is that like, taboo amongst sluts in the slut world? These are questions I want answered for my How To Get a Good Slut Tattoo book that I am compiling right now. I guess I'll find out by the number of gawks I get when I wear my bunny sticker to the beach this summer.

You know what they should do... they should make the stickers look like actual tattoos. If you've ever had your own slut tattoo, you know what I'm talking about. If not, I have included a picture of what a slut tat sticker looks like, they are not pretty. They are bright red and look like a sticker. If they were black or purple or something and made of a material that resembles skin, that might be lucrative to whoever invents that. sigh...

Airplane Gas

Some people think they're chemtrails, trying to cover up the evidence of the reptilians coming over on their planet X. And in many realities it probably is that. But I think it's just the airplane taking a big fart. A fart across the sky!

Dream Interpretation

Interpret this:

I ended up running into "Bruce," an old fling who was persistently pursuing me as usual, and so I decided to give in I guess cause I was kinda horny, only catch was that he had an obese lady attached to his back. So anyways, I'm making out with "Bruce" and being like, do not lie on top of me you have an obese woman on your back, and I was also trying not to touch this woman because she had bed sores. And then, he was kissing me and I noticed that the obese lady was also sensuously licking my shoulder/neck and I freaked out and ended everything. He got even more persistent and so I was like "aren't you married now?" to which he did not deny, and that was it. I told him I was not sleeping with a married man who has an obese lady on his back.

What the hell?

I Want One

http://www.festivalofowls.com/owlsaspets.htm

Astral Projection

I'm finally learning how to astral project and I'm pretty excited about it although it might not be easy for me as I am not one with a "quiet mind." I thought I started to astral project yesterday while meditating and it was really cool cause I was in that pre-dream state and actually remember being with a few other people and being like "ok we're getting on the spaceship now" and then after that my body started feeling REALLY weird, like heavy in a way and I did NOT feel alone, almost like others were holding my hands, then I started seeing wicked geometric patterns and felt I was in space, then it stopped and I thought it was over.

However, now that I read up on AP, looks like I was only in a minimal, minimal stage and was nowhere near actually leaving my body, especially if I could feel it that intensely. I like this how-to site. I like the guy. I would love to go to one of his 20 hr workshops but he's probably in the desert somewhere in the US. Anyways, yeah gonna astral project. This is also good in case I ever go to jail, I'll just leave my body every day/night/all the time.

Joint Email

Trying to convince my boyfriend to get a joint email with me. I want a "Becky & Dan" account. He thinks it's a dumb idea but he's boring. I told him we could use it for swingers evites and stuff. He looked up from the paper at that suggestion so maybe we'll try it.

Friday Night Views

Guessin lots of creeps are on here on a lonely Friday night. Friday = big expectations, which = big potential for disappointment and feeling like a loser. Everybody's out. You're not. You just posted 3 ads on craigslist under the personals section titled Friday Night DT Looking for Nice Girl to to for gyoza with, Let's go for some cupcakes or chocolate, and Hey im in abbottsford!! Ready to have fun, Im hott, very hot boy! Maybe you'll head to Granville later when all the drunk ho's are piling out of the bars and try to snag one before she gets to the Roxy Burger to drown her own lonliness in fries and puke. Thought I'd come on here in the hopes of getting a creep message. Maybe I'll respond to those CL ones with my myspace link and then let you know what happens. Will be my little fri nite experiment. Cause I'm lonely too. I'm so lonely BOO HOO HOO HO HO HOW HO. Gonna go mastabate.

Who Cares?

Who caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeees?

So you fucked up...

I like that about you. Fuck-ups are sexy so long as they own being a fuck-up and rub it in the face. Rub the fuck-up in. Rub it in my face. I like your fuck-up. I like your fuck-up in my face. Gimme more fuck-up. I like your owl shirt. You should go get another one. Just don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up and buy an eagle shirt. Unless you’re planning on rubbing it in my face. Rub that bald eagle shirt in my face. Put it on. Take my face. Rub it in. Rub your fuck-up eagle head shirt in my face. Please. Write ‘I fucked up’ on it. Wear it. And then rub it all in my face. Just do it. If it’s meant to be it will be. If you’re meant to be a fuck-up, you will fuck up.

Slut Tattoo Diary #3

I've gone 3 times now and the tattoo looks the same. How many times do you have to fuckin go? Do you have to work at a tanning salon? Do I need to get a job at a tanning salon so I can tan every day to make this slut tattoo work?

I think what I'm gonna do as a last ditch is go two days in a row. I'll go tomorrow and the day after. I've heard from tanning insiders that in order to maximize your tan before an event or a slut night out is go for two consecutive days and then rest a day and then maybe a day after that. Geez christ I'm not made of money though, that costs shit. Guess maybe I should get a job at the salon. That would = free tanning, good slut tattoo, cool friends.

...or perhaps tan in the real sun. That always gives the best tan. Oh yeah and I'm gonna bleach my hair. Because I forgot to say, slut tattoo includes bleached hair.

I'll take a picture after my 2-times-in-a-row tan, reason I haven't is cause I'm embarrassed this slut tat looks like shit. Maybe I should write a book. How To Get a Good Slut Tattoo. Interview some sluts. Go from my own experience. Make it all ironic but not really. I wonder if people would buy that. Maybe if I made it an e-book. Nah, it needs to be one of those glossy picture books you seen in Urban Outfitters that would be on some hipster-slut's coffee table. Gonna do it. Gonna pitch it. Nobody steal my idea. K.

The Stupidest Thing Ever

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

The Campbells

Does anybody remember this show? It was a canadian series in 1986 that was sort of like a Little house on the Prairie ripoff. Anyways, I used to think as a little kid that the family was a family of cannibals because I thought a campbell was the same as cannibal, and when the show would come on late at night and I would see the buggy and the family riding with their big 1900s bonnets and I thought they were going to kill people and eat them. So I turned it off and didn't watch it but it freaked me out for a long time any time I saw those opening credits. I completely forgot about it till now.

Slut Tattoo Diary #2

This slut tattoo thing is a hard bit. First off might I suggest using a permanent pen in order that your regular pen does not wash off immediately in the shower right after you trace your sexy sticker with it.

I dunno about this ... I dunno. Im definitely going to follow through. I want a good slut tattoo for the summer. But I'm worried this bunny is gonna be all fucked up. It might be all over the place and look like shit. I don't want fuzzy lines. I want a nice white prominent bunny.

Another thing is now I have to tan like 3 times a week at least. These sluts are devoted, I'm not even taking them for granted anymore. They put lots of work in and they get good slut tats out. Any time you see a slut with a slut tattoo, know that she is a hard working slut of a woman.

Slut Tattoo Blog #1

I'm building up a slut tattoo and I went for my first session today. Getting a slut tattoo is a lot harder than getting a real tattoo because you have to build it up with your tan. The most difficult part is the first few sessions because the skin around your tat isn't dark enough to really show the tat for the next time you want to put the sticker on it. This is how you get a good slut tattoo:

1. Choose something slutty. I went with classic playboy bunny.
2. Put it on a slutty part of your body. I put mine close to my hip bone so it shows when I wear my low rise jeans.
3. Wear the sticker on your chosen area for the full tanning session.
4. When you remove the sticker, especially for the first few sessions, it is important to outline the tat with a pen so that you know where to put the sticker the next time you tan. The tan will fade slightly between now and your next tan, so you need a way of knowing where you originally placed your slut tat so that you don't get a huge bunny, as a woman at the tanning salon told me.
5. Tan as often as you can. This will speed up the formation of your slut tat and make it more intense.

The Sex Ship

Landskin condomb Lamdskin condoms :a,bski cndoms. :amdslo cpmdp,s/ LAMBSKIN CONDOMS (it's dark)

Eeeeewwwww. It’s one of 2 scenarios:
1. (Which I hope it is) Your partner has a severe allergy to latex and can therefore do it safely no other way; or
2. You want to have sex with an animal (lamb) and it’s a good way for you and the lamb to have a threesome with your girlfriend. That’s why they’re gross. Cause between the two of you, there’s the lamb. That is dead cause it’s been skinned. The lamb is an equal participant, dead or alive. It’s also pedophilia because it’s a lamb. So you could be a bestial pedophilic orgy lover. I hope it’s number #1.

What the Hell is This?

I realize that this blog has become a place for me to hate-on. It's
living up to its name of What the Hell. But this one is a What the
Fuck? This is a WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF SHIT?? I'm not an
expert. I've only been printing letters and numbers in the American
alphabet for the past 20 years. So, silly me when I come across this
wigit or whateverthefuck it is called and have to try 3 motherfucking
times before I can figure out what the shit it is. And I didn't. I gave
up. I gave the fuck up. Because apparently I am a retard, according to
the artificial intelligence that compares me to a computer every time I
sign in.

Crush On You

You found out I've got a crush on you. Eh whatever I'll just deny it. You'll never know the truth. uh - what's that? - you found out from my best friend who can't keep a secret to save her life? Yeah well she can't keep her labia together either and she's also a big liar. So whatever. She probably has a crush on you, she's just trying to see how you'll react. She doesnt wanna scare you off cause she's a big slut and lots of guys hate sluts. They don't want kooties. Never knew a rumor could spread so fast? Never knew my bff's legs could spread so fast either. And trus me, after having a sleepover with her, i know. I think she might be bisexual, actually. Put the moves on me too. Except I've seen her period-stained underwear so THAT's never happening. Gross. She always wanted to read "Are you there god, it's Me Margaret" with me in elementary but I was never into those puberty books. Those were for lesbians. Anyways, yeah, she's a big liar and a slut. What else you wanna know?

Emergency

Oooh God, it's an emergency! I'm stuck in this elevator, I'm stuck! What am I gonna do? I have claustrophobia. Oh, goodness, I'd better think of something - it could be hours before I get out of here. Hey - is that a phone? There's a phone in here??? Thank god, because I don't have a cellphone. PHEW. God I'm glad they put phones in elevators. Now all I have to do is-- hheeeeeyyyyyy... Is - is - is this phone bolted in? The phone is bolted in?!?! Why on earth would they bolt a phone in a place where there might be an emergency?? Well... It's a good thing I brought my screwdriver... heh heh heh. Yep, little ol me, always got my screwdriver on me for emergencies, I'll just take it out of my purse here. There we go, now I'll just unbolt this phone-- Oh fuck, it's a Robertson driver!

Samaritan Advertising For The Week: Cory Larkin

This guy showed up on my grocery cart yesterday, and although I sure as hell won't need a mortgage expert ever, I felt bad shoving his face into all the other grocery carts in the cart lineup. That smile called for the Samaratin ad of the week. Cory Larkin, I hope this helps you get some ass. I mean business.

The Twirly Slide

We are in a sad existence that there are no longer real twirly slides in children’s playgrounds of the modern day. Fuck the plastic junk safety conscious slides that go one and one half rotations and get 4 feet off the ground. I want the metal twirly slides of the 80s with the 3 full rotations, 20 feet high and a big slanted metal support pole that can be used as a second slide if you need it! And I want my kids to have those too! How the HELL are those not in existence anymore? If people are going to rally and take away real twirly slides for safety reasons then at least, at least, at least open a playground for adults with real twirly slides and an adult ball pit and adult moonwalks. I can’t believe no one has done this yet. PLUS. Real twirly slides don’t hold in the smell of pee. Yes, metal twirly slides got pissed on too. They always had a piss stream* down the middle where the paint wore off mixed with sand and piss-covered grit. But, AT LEAST the piss rolled down and got washed off in the rain and didn’t hold old piss in all the fucked up PLASTIC PORES. Hell, type in ‘twirly slide’ in google photo and I can’t even find a real bona fide twirly slide with the blue and red twirly stripe along the rim. fuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckit!!!!!!!!!!

*[Thank-you to Josh Tuftin for reminding me about the twirly-slide piss]

BM

Haha, Billy Mays' initials are BM, like bowel movement. That's funny.




Whatever you do though, don't buy a Billy Mays alarm clock, or you will fuck off, you will FUCK OFF into a lower density.

Fuckuary

Fuckuary suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuucks.

Been Watching Billy Mays All Day